Roommates? (Different Ending)

YA fiction

Drama

My heart sank to my stomach. “Oh, no.” I realized the grief stricken words came out of my mouth when I see her demeanor change from shock to outrage. She was right to feel that way, but this was why I had taken a gap year. Okay, well, it wasn’t the original reason, but it was why my gap year had been a little longer than a year. I don’t think any of us have the insight to realize how much of an asshole they were right after graduation.

“You?” She demanded and I felt a meager smile on my face.

“I… I guess.” It sounded sheepish coming out of my mouth.

“No, absolutely not, I can’t-“ I don’t know what came over me but I had cut her off.

“Wait, I know it’s much too little and way too late, but I’m sorry, I was a total asshole to you and so were my friends and you didn’t deserve that. I’m not gonna make excuses or expect you to forgive me, so I’m going to go down to the RA’s office and ask to switch. And I’m sorry again.” I noticed her eyes had softened but I lowered mine to the floor as I picked my bags up and turned to the door. “By the way, your art is amazing and I’m glad you kept going despite my bullying.” With that, I left for the RA’s office.

Two hours later and I’ve come back up the stairs with what I assume to be the most apologetic look anyone’s seen. It took a few minutes of back and forth with the RA, before two hours of different kinds of searching like empty dorms, people who don’t have roommates yet, people who were also looking to switch roommates, with no luck. Until further notice, we were stuck with each other. Despite having my own key to the dorm, I knocked on the door following with, “it’s me.” Gaining no response, I opened the door after a moment of silence to her putting her clothes away, though turning to me as she noticed the door opening.

With a sigh, I keep my eyes to the floor. “I’m sorry, but there’s not another option for me. I’ll stay out of your way the best I can and I think I can buy those Japanese slider changer doors to put in the of the-“ It was her turn to cut me off, my face burning with embarrassment as my ears were filled with her giggling.

“It’s okay, we can try to make this work in any case. I’m willing to give it a shot, anyways.” She was smiling at me and I gave her a curt nod before putting my bags on my side of the room, ready to start settling in.

Comments 2

The Author

7 months ago

Hi! I saw you were looking for general feedback on discord and I need something to do rn so here I go. Also I’m not sure if this is the piece you wanted feedback on because the link didn’t send anywhere specific, just your profile.

The story was very interesting. I liked the concept, and this would definitely make an interesting story if further expanded with the character dynamics you set up. You added some backstory to the characters that make them intriguing enough to keep reading, and their dialogue was fun to read!

In terms of feedback, this is what I’ve got:

We humans have the attention span of a goldfish, therefore the first sentence has to catch your attention. The one you started with was good, but perhaps you could try to add the characters personality into it, or some sort of shock value that makes the reader curious. The way a character is introduced in the first sentence forms the way we begin viewing them (at least I’m a short story where you have very few chances to showcase their personality). If your characters stressed and has a foul mouth, the first sentence can be “The moment our eyes met, I knew I was fucked.” That had shock value and displays their personality and mood. From what I can observe, the character seems a little flustered and shameful at the moment, so the first sentence can play into that.

Another thing I noticed is that your relying on telling thing through the narrator instead of showing. For example, “I realized” “I see” “I don’t think” “I noticed” “she noticed”, once in a while you can use those, but when used repetitively it can create a disconnect between read and story. I struggle with this issue a lot, so trust when I say your doing much better than me.

The last piece of feedback I’ll give is pacing. The character enters and they immediately apologize, while the other one appears angry. There’s little conversation that builds this up, and perhaps they could have spoken a bit more and gradually released the information on how they knew each other. Then when the character comes back, she is giggling and seems to be ok, when she was mad before. If you add or cut a few scenes, the characters actions will make a little more sense.

Anyways, I’m sorry this so long, I started typing and didn’t realize how long it got. I really do like your writings, and your ideas are great! You don’t have to listen to what I suggest, it’s just issues I observed that I myself struggle with, and have a wonderful day!

Etch

Falling