who are we when no one is watching?

as for me,

does my bubbly facade fall?

is it a facade or is it true,

do i cry in my room tears that stain my pillowcase

from nights late with anguish

or do i smile to myself thinking of you?

maybe i would, if i had anyone to think about

no, rather i lay on my bed and stare up at my ceiling,

wondering questioning

thinking

why can no one seem to love me properly?

is it me or do i simply keep chosing the wrong people,

the people who don’t like to love to show emotion

the people who find it unnatractive to care

i try to be who they want but reality slips in

i care so deeply for so much

i laugh so hard tears stream down my face

and my smile radiates so much love for these

people,

a smile that they don’t return

i can’t bring myself to feel sad

now that there is an emptiness in my heart

where your name used to be

because it feels as though mine hasn’t been in yours

for a long time

i’m not sure who i am when no one is watching

for it feels as though someone is

always watching

i wish i understood the freedom to know my worth,

know who was going to give me the love i deserve

know which boys i’m not going to have to lie

to my mom about because he never told me i was

beautiful

but i tell her that he did because it’s embarassing

my own boyfriend doesn’t even think i’m pretty

or at least can’t express it to me if he does

i wish someone would love me

in the way i love others

but i’m worried i’ll never find someone

who wants who i am when no one is watching

because how could they when i don’t even

know who i am

when no one is watching