Containing the stinging tears-- trying to keep them from rolling down my cheeks like coffee when you've drank and part from the cup too soon-- was very... painful.

The world was an unfair place... He didn't deserve to leave this earth the way he did.

A sob racked my entire body and my heart clenched, becoming more and more painful. It felt as if someone was trying to suffocate me by means of strangling it and ripping it out of my chest. It felt as of the pain would be never ending because I, myself, couldn't leave this wretched place along with him...

A swift wind blew, rattling the metal stands that held up the canopy we all stood under. I shivered under the only black layers of dark wear I could find. They were too thin for this weather...

I failed... the tears ran down my cheeks like a cascading waterfall.

He didn't deserve this-!! I- I didn't- I didn't want him gone... I couldn't- *be* without him...

How was I supposed to go on with my daily way of life?? How was I suppose to wake up every day, turn in bed to no longer find his peaceful sleeping face...

How was I supposed to make dinner and prepare family meals for one less person...

Who would I talk to and turn to and listen to when- when I needed it?? When *we* needed it??

...or well... I suppose there was no longer a *we* really, was there...? Not when my other half has stopped breathing... Not when he's being lowered slowly to the ground this very second as the skies grumble their complaints because such a precious soul was now leaving this broken tattered world...

My hand gripped my shirt, at my chest, right at where my heart was supposed to be- the shattered aching thing....

What hurts the most is knowing... you weren't ready... you didn't want to leave this place... not then- not now... not like that-!!

I shut my eyes, willing my eyes to clear so i could at least see something. Looking down at the coffin, the dark maroon wood i chose because it matched the beauty of you- taunted me. *It* will get to stay with you forevermore... and I have to stay up here. In this world. Continuing to go on with my life. Pretending I wasn't ripped in half and taken from this world without warning.

The rose in my hand pricked my fingers but that little bit of nothing could never compare to the pain of the hole in my chest. Slowly stretching out my trembling hand, I dropped the rose. It fell slowly as if... asking me if i was sure... Did i want to say goodbye...??

*Of course f*cking not*

The sad rose fell on the shiny wood with a loud thud. All the sounds of the world ceased around and my heart gave one last pull, one last ache one last crack...

...Before it settled. My heart would never mend, but for now i had to will it to stop breaking. I would have to to on living without you. For the meanwhile... anyway...

Because this isn't goodbye forever... Only a see you later.

They started picking up the dirt with their shovels and filling his grave with it slowly. I would... I will keep going for you, my dear... i will keep living and won't let my heart fall to pieces and disperse to the wind like ashes. Because I know that one day I *will* see you again... One day I will hug you again and get to kiss your face... One day i'll be six feet under the ground with you- and when that day comes perhaps my heart will begin to mend again... But until then, my love... until then...

I blow a kiss at the coffin and step back, the grass tickling my ankles.

I would visit this grave for the rest of my life on this earth- Until it becomes *my* time to lay next to it. Until my time comes to be with you again and I may see the beauty of love and life once again...