Guilt is a heavy weight upon the heart. Sometimes you try to justify the things you've done; Finding loop holes to try things you know you shouldnt But in the end, you ask yourself: was it worth it? You sometimes had moments of clarity Allowing you to see the bigger picture But you denied their truths, and said, not yet. Soon but not yet. Living in the past is useless Worrying constantly about the future’s worthless Every decision that you make affects the future Just as much as it is influenced by the past. I realize now that Thoreau was right, as he wrote in Walden-
“I have been anxious to improve the nick of time, and notch it on my stick too; to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and future, which is precisely the present moment; to toe that line.”
The time is always now. I have written this in the past As you, now, are reading it in the present. But for me, the time is now, as I write this in the present.
If you're having second guesses about certain details in your life Don't wait until it is too late To try to fix your mistake.
As the voices in my head started as shouts of reprimand, The longer I ignored them, the quieter they became, until Final whispers wandered away without care.
As I locked the door and slipped off my shoes, I walked to the kitchen to start preparing some coffee. I hear thumping on the floor above, as if someone’s jumping up and down. Then I hear an excited scream, “This is going to be the best thing ever!”
A second voice joins in, “Alright, we're gonna need ribbons, we're gonna need pink, we're gonna need balloons, and most importantly...
Cake!” “For Stella-...!” They say simultaneously.
“Y-you mean for Stellla to enjoy her birthday, right?”
“Hahaha! Yes, of course. That's a given, it counts as the most firstest that it flies off the chart, allowing the second thing, this being cake, to take it's abandoned position of “first”.”
“.... Riiiiiight.”
Then they both laugh as I chuckle. I remember when I had friends as a kid. The world seemed brighter back then, but I guess friendships don't last forever. I hope the birthday party goes well. As I watch the coffee finish brewing, I wonder if I should try to contact my old friends. Who knows? Maybe the future isn't as bleak as it seems. After all, appearances can be deceiving.
“If watching cartoons has taught me anything, it's that ninja never quit.” With stronger determination, the black-clad little boy tightened his headband (which was just one of his dad’s black ties), and he continued to try to learn how to ride the bike. He had received this new gift from his mom, and he was not going to give up on it. It was the first thing he had gotten from her in a long, long time. He felt joy at the idea that his parents were started to get along better these past few weeks. Maybe one day, they'll all be together again. He’ll never let go of that hope.
I stared into his dark green eyes, so changed and clouded with hatred, as I tried not to flinch away from the gun pressed against my head. The gun he was currently holding against my head. My hands started shaking as I held them up in surrender. Not out of fear only, but also shock that he would ever do that; threaten me. I know he’s not in his right mind, but it still hurts.
“Please,” I begged, “don’t do this. This isn’t you.” I spoke barely above a whisper, but I knew he heard me. He took a step forward and I stumbled back a bit, closer to the edge. I stopped myself from turning to check how close I was. They’re sure taking their sweet time. What if they don’t bring it in time to save him, or me? If he ends up killing me after all this, I’m gonna find a way to haunt those idiots who killed us both by wasting time.
This isn’t how this was supposed to go. The serum was supposed to bring him back to his right state of mind, but it only provoked is anger further, and led to him hurting all those innocent- well, random, people. Some of them, he seemed to personally have something against, so maybe he had a reason, but then again he seems to hate me right now. And I know that isn’t true. It can’t be. Anyway, plan B is to capture him again until we can figure out the right way to... “un-brainwash” him.
“I’d stop talking if I were you. You’re only getting on my nerves, and it’s not very wise to annoy the person with a gun at your head.” He looked up as if contemplating something, then back at me. “Then again, you’ve always been rather stupid.”
I can’t stop my face from showing that I took offense at that, but it also hurt. “There’s a difference between knowledge and wisdom, you know,” I couldn’t stop my voice from trembling either, but I had to keep buying time, “neither of which you seem to be practicing at this moment.”
Stupid, stupid, stupid! Am I trying to get myself killed!? He glares at me and I shut my eyes, waiting for the end.
I know I was expecting it, preparing for it even, but my heart still broke when I heard the gun click. I opened my eyes slowly to look at him. His face changes from confused to frustrated as he continues to try to shoot me, to no avail. The gun ran out of bullets. He must have used them all up earlier. My arms feel weak and I let them go limp beside me. He throws the gun down and grabs my throat tightly, the force making me stumble back and almost slip off the edge. I don’t try to stop him as my vision darkens, but I hear the others as they finally arrive and -
And everything goes black...
Two weeks later, I can talk normally again and we’re all here, waiting for him to wake up. We tried twice already to bring him back to normal, and as the saying goes, third time’s the charm. Hopefully he doesn’t freak out when he sees us all just staring at him, as we’re gathered around his bed. He has restraints on this time. We learned that lesson the hard way.
I unconsciously hold my breath as his eyelids start moving, like he’s trying to wake up. He slowly opens his eyes and then blinks once, twice, and then his eyes suddenly widen and he sits up so abruptly that he falls back down when the restraints, well... restrain him.
Nobody says anything as he sits up slowly, looking at each one of us. When we make eye contact, I see no hatred, no anger, only confusion and... fear. Does he remember?
“W-what happened?” He looks down at his wrists and looks back up with more concern and fear in his eyes. “Why am I-?”
“It wasn’t your fault.” Someone tries to reassure him. I’m too preoccupied at the moment to take notice of who.
He turns to whoever said that, and tears start forming in his eyes, “What did I...?”
I walked closer to him and started undoing the restraints. “It’s a long story,” I say without looking at him. “We’ll explain after you’ve had something to eat.” We’ve kinda kept him prisoner for the past two weeks, but we didn’t starve him; he just refused to eat. It’s going to take a lot to explain what happened during the time he can’t remember. Apparently he does remember getting brainwashed, though. He... killed people. Almost killed me.
It’s gonna be a long day.
Thursday 5, January 6:32 pm
Dear Diary,
Today has not been a good day. I tried getting along with my brother today, but he makes it impossible. Earlier today, I asked him the simple question, “Why are you afraid of water?” and he just glared at me as if I had done something wrong. Like, what's his problem? There's nothing wrong with water, don't we need it to live?? Anyway, after glaring for no reason, he just stood up and left... Without even saying goodbye. I was just trying to have a casual conversation. Is that not what normal people talk about? Their fears?
Other than that my day was pretty boring. Same as every other day.
Friday 6, January 6:27 pm
Dear Diary,
My brother visited me again today. He says mom would come to talk to me, but she can hardly get out of bed. Nice excuse. I told him that she doesn't love me and he kind of took a second to deny that, so... Hah! I was right! He also brought me something though, a picture. I won't tell you what it is. It makes me sick. How about a guessing game?
It's hideous. It's dead. And it's the reason I'm stuck in this place
Saturday 7, January
Dear Diary,
He didn't come today. I may have ripped the picture then thrown it at him yesterday and gotten out of that room, but he didn't look mad at me, just disappointed. And sad. Like kinda how feel. Maybe I should tell someone. Oh hey! I'll tell you, my precious diary. The reason I drowned her was that she told me that she had drowned my baby brother. That kind of makes us the same, only I got caught and sentenced to prison, and she died.
I think I know the answer to my question from two days ago now. The reason that he's afraid of water is that his two youngest siblings have both died because of it. Or maybe it's what happened to dad. That gives me an idea of how to get out of this place.
Thursday 19, January
Dear Diary,
I've lost my family to my greatest fear. I lost my mother and sister on the same day. My mother died from cancer, but oddly, both of my siblings drowned. When I was twelve, my younger brother drowned in our backyard pool. Then when I was 18, my older sister killed my younger sister by drowning her, too. My dad drowned when I was seven. Ever since then, I had always feared that that's how I would lose my life, but instead...
It's how I lost my family.
Bob wanted to be a superhero. That's all he ever wanted. He just wanted to be like the heroes in his comics and favorite shows. He decided to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower one day, to see the world from a new perspective. He walked around “hiding behind columns every few steps and scouting the area suspiciously. His eyes widened when he saw a toddler crying on the ground as multiple adults simply walked past. He walked towards him and crouched down in front of him. “Hey there, little bud. You lose your parents?” He picked the small child with little effort and started looking around for stressed parents. He saw an old lady looking around the ground and calling out for a “Tommy.” Bob took the toddler to the woman and asked, “‘Scuse me, ma’am. Is this your grandson?” He held out the toddler towards her like he was Rafiki holding Simba. The way her eyes lit up as she laughed with joy and gently hugged and kissed the young boy was more thanks than Bob could have hoped for. He saluted and went about his hero-doings. As he scouted the area for villains or more trouble he saw a middle-aged woman walk rather closely by the edge of the top area’s floor. He quickly ran to her to warn her of the possible danger, but as she turned towards him, her heel broke and she fell backward. Bob was only 14 and while he wasn't a wimp, he wasn't superman either. He caught her hand just as she was about to fall out of reach, but he could only hold her for so long. She cried out for help and the next thing Bob knew, his grip slipped. He watched with terror as she fell further and further away. Hers we're not the only screams as many people saw what had occurred. But they misunderstood the situation. They believed that Bob had pushed the woman off. He tried to explain what had happened and he looked around the crowd for anyone who believed him. He made eye contact with the old woman, but she recoiled and hugged Tommy protectively.
After the trial, in which he was judged guilty, he was sentenced to 7 years in juvenile prison for second-degree murder. He came out of jail as a changed man and swore that he would never make the same mistake again. Never would he go out of his way to try to help anyone. He would merely end up hurting people.
This is indeed unimaginable, for one cannot truly describe nothing. Now, this nothingness is different than just air or darkness. The emptiness of space outside of the atmosphere is much closer than the emptiness in an empty water bottle to true nothingness. Before the creation of the universe I would imagine a dark void, but would this be accurate, for, in order to have a space with darkness, there must be a space to begin with.
The physical reality is made up of three things; matter, time and space. Matter is that which can be felt. If you reach out your arm and move it back and forth, to your left then right, in a speedily motion, you can, in fact, feel the air around it. Matter is that which takes up space. Time is the measure of change. Space is that which holds matter. They are converse, space and matter. Space is the place in which matter exists. Without these there is no physical activity. Nothing physical. Just emptiness. Outside of the materials that the immense ball of matter which took up space, there was nothing.
What I would see is nothing.
What I would hear, is nothing.
What I would feel; nothing.
But I also wouldn’t be.
It was late at night. The road was empty but for the few passing cars every now and then. The wind blew in the streets and down the dark alleyways. Speaking of which, Robin had just decided that going down one of those was a great idea for a shortcut.
He’d had a long day and many things he had to deal with. He didn’t notice there were other people further down until he heard them whispering after he tripped over some trash and hit his head on the side of the large dumpster.
“What was-?”
“Keep quiet, she might be here soon.”
“What if she chose today of all days for a different route?”
“Well, then we’re-“
“I see her.”
They crept further into the darkness as a woman entered the alley.
Robin, confused and still a bit dazed from hitting his head, turned in her direction. “Oh, my! Are you alright....?” She ran towards him and helped him get up from the ground. “...Robin? Well, would you look at that we just keep bumping into each other don’t we.” He rubbed his head and looked at her as he straightened, trying to recognize her in the darkness. “Uh... you’re- wait, Keridan?” “The one and only.” She flipped her hair back and crossed her arms. “What brings you here at this time?” They heard some noises further down the alley and that’s when Robin remembered he had something he wanted to tell her. Or had to... his head was really aching and he just wanted to sleep. “I’m not sure.” “You’re really concussed, huh? You need help getting home? How’d you hurt yourself?” “Wait, how ‘bout umm.... I help you get home?” That... that sounds about right, yes. I should- I mean, I think that she needs to be safer. “What? I’m not the one with the concussion.” “I’m not concussed I was just... confused.” “Was?” “Look, I’m trying to ask if you want me to walk with you until you’re s- inside of your house.” He looked at her, waiting for her response when she suddenly laughed. Confused, more now than before, he asked, “What’s so funny?” “I found you here, on the ground in the middle of a dark alley- with a concussion, and here you are, worrying about my safety. Hah. What, a gentleman. And hey, sure. I mean, I still have some leftover takeout if you haven’t had dinner yet. I could use some help eating that.” “What type of person has dinner at 11 pm?” “The type of person who’s made it her life goal to procrastinate until opportunities arise, opportunities such as these.” “Hmm.” Robin suddenly started shivering as a particularly cold breeze blew through the alley. The dark alley, that they should probably get out of. “Hey, do you take this route everyday?” Hearing himself ask that out loud reminded him of the earlier conversation that he had overheard. “Yeah, why do you ask?” “I think we should get out of-“
“Not so fast.”
They both turned to see two men dressed in dark clothes, wearing masks and pointing guns at them. “We’re not leaving without the little lady.” One of them walked closer to them but stayed in the shadows. Neither of them said anything but Robin turned to stand in front of Keridan. He saw a third figure in the back but didn’t think much of it until that one cut the other two’s throats and somersaulted towards them. ...Huh?
“Pleasure doing business with you.” He bowed then stood up straight and saluted. He was dressed in black and dark navy blue. The Shadow was the name that he had been given by the tv news reports about him. Apparently he goes around killing “bad” people. “Hey, wait. You’re that hero everyone talks about, right? The shadow?” “More like a vigilante, if you ask me.” Robin muttered, but was somehow heard by him. “I would agree with you wholeheartedly. Now, I suggest each of you gets home safely and as soon as possible.” The more he spoke, the more painfully familiar he was. “Do I know you?” Robin was almost glaring with how hard he was trying to concentrate on where he had heard him before. He turned towards him and Robin could have sworn he smiling at him under his mask, “Hmmm. Such an interesting question. You could know someone for a thousand years and still not truly know them.” With those words, he knew exactly who he was.
