**_Chapter 9

_**_Davian_

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All I can see as I walk is Maisie. The way she stares at her shoes, the way she’s always is holding her left wrist. Like she’s hiding something, it makes me wonder: How many of us really go through life without keeping a secret?

Maisie stops in the middle of the sidewalk, a house behind her. Her house.

“This is it,” she whispers, her blue eyes meeting mine.

I give her a gentle smile, my eyes flicking over her shoulder. It’s white, one floor, a huge willow tree covers everything, a few of it’s branches almost touching the green grass.

_She grew up here._ I think my eyes falling back to Maisie. _This is where she’s known comfort, where she’s come home everyday after school. _

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“I’ll remember that,” I say. And I will, because I still need to tell her the truth. Looking at this place, all her memories good and bad. I see me—us sharing a moment here. The moment where everything is out in the open, the truth.

“Good,” Maisie pulls me back. I fight to keep my smile from fading. _If only you knew._

Without thinking I reach my hand out to hers. Her left hand, the hand she’s been grabbing at all night. As soon as our fingers brush past each other I feel something. But it’s not butterflies of gooey, happiness or whatever people always say, it’s guilt. I did this to her, I crushed all her hope. And hope is something you can’t ever repair, when it’s gone . . . It’s just gone.

“Night,” I whisper. Pulling my hand back before Maisie can grab hold of it. It feels wrong, to hold her hand, comfort her when I’m the one who gave her the pain.

Maisie doesn’t say anything, she just looks into my eyes. A small smile growing on her lips. “Thank you.”

I suck in a deep breath. _Please_, I beg. _Don’t_.

“I’m sorry,” I mutter, forcing my eyes to the sidewalk.

Maisie shakes her head. “It’s not your fault. You did nothing.”

Is it wrong that I wanna laugh at that? Literally in every story when someone says that ‘it’s not you’re fault’ they really, truly mean it. And most importantly it’s true. This isn’t one of those stories, I’m beginning to think Maisie thinks it is. She can’t.

“Night,” I repeat, then I walk away. Is it rude? Maybe, but if I stood there any longer I would have told her. _Then why didn’t you stay there!_ A voice says, a voice I wish I could argue with.

. . .

I sleep for the last few hours of the night. When I wake up the next morning Tommy is there. Standing in my doorway, the early morning sun glinting off the tips of his blonde hair. If he saw this, he’d think he looked like a god. I bet he feels that way now. He’s the perfect son, the one who always has to clean up after his brother. And while doing all of this he keeps a smile on his face. Which to me seems like the hardest thing to do.

I lift my head a little off my pillow my eyes begging for me to close them again. I let my head fall back to my pillow, turning to my side.

“How long have you been there?” I grumble as Tommy comes in the room. I can see the smile on his face, even though my eyes are closed.

“I don’t know,” he says. “Little while.”

I swallow, does he know I left last night? Does he know where I went? I told him and Allie about Maisie. How she’s basically recovered, how we talked and it felt so, I don’t know, natural? Right? They weren’t mad exactly, they said it was good. But they also thought that I shouldn’t talk to her anymore. I mean maybe it’s because I didn’t tell her the truth, or maybe it’s because I’m sure the whole time I was talking about her, my face was hotter than fire.

“Why?” I ask, keeping my eyes closed as my heart begins to race. _Please, please tell me you don’t know. _

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Tommy lowers onto my bed, he sighs. I force my eye lids to stay closed, if he does know. I don’t want to see the disappointment on his face.

“I was waiting for you to wake up.”

I can’t help it, I let my eyes open. “‘Cause?”

“I need to talk to you.”

Tommy? Tommy needs to talk to me? Normal brothers must talk because he says this like it’s not weird. Of course normal brothers talk, brothers who have their parents and have things to talk about. Things that aren’t like killing someone’s mom. So . . . What are we doing here? Trying to be normal?

I sit up, leaning against my pillows. Whoa. Tommy’s face is the most serious and nervous I’ve ever seen him. His eyes are locked on mine, he’s playing with his hands in his lap. What’s going on?

“Okay,” I tell him. “I’m listening.”

Tommy takes a long deep breath before he fishes around in his pocket. I hold my breath, what does he have in there that could make him stand in my doorway waiting for me to wake up?

Then he pulls it out. The reason he’s so nervous, the reason he was waiting for me. A reason that brings a smile to my face, a real smile. A big smile.

“You know we’re brothers, right?” I ask, my smile growing as I stare at the black velvet box that Tommy has in his hands.

His eyes drop to his hands. “Oh, I guess I forgot . . . Well maybe this will change your mind.”

Tommy climbs off my bed and drops to his knee, opening the black lid to revel a small, simple diamond ring. It sparkles gently in the sunlight. My smile grows bigger as I think about him and Allie. I was so focused on teasing him that the fact that this is for Allie, hasn’t even sunken in yet.

“Will you marry me?” Tommy asks, a smile on his face. He’s so happy, is it me or Allie that makes him feel this way?

I put my hand to my chest. “Tommy . . .” I do my best to gasp like those shocked girls on TV. I fail but it gets a laugh out of Tommy so it’s a win in my world.

“Brothers are family by blood,” Tommy scoots closer. “But I want us to be family by proclaiming it to the whole world.” Tommy looks down, and when he meets my eyes again, its a look he’s never given me before. A look of—

“I love you.”

I can’t hold it in anymore. I start laughing, I raise a hand to my eyes as Tommy laughs too.

“Say . . . Sa . . . Say it back,” Tommy says in between laughs as he climbs back onto my bed. He’s still in character, and it makes me laugh even more.

There’s a small knock on the door frame that silences everything. We both know who it is. Tommy shoves the ring into his pocket as he rises to his feet, scratching the back of his neck.

“What’s going on in here?” Allie asks with a smile.

Tommy shakes his head. “Just guy . . . Stuff.”

Allie brushes a loose strand of her hair behind her ear as she tilts her head. “Guy stuff?”

Tommy nods, turning to me. “Guy stuff.”

He flicks his head toward Allie. _Tell her_. He mouths, his eyes a mix of nervous, shocked and exactly what I’m sure Allie will see when he pulls the ring out for her. Happiness.

I meet Allie’s eyes, expecting the butterflies that have always come with those green eyes. But they don’t. I don’t feel anything towards her, anything above what I’d feel to a sister. Love, but not that kind of love.

“You know,” I lift a hand to my eye rubbing my fingers down my face. “Like how you girls talk about boys and makeup or whatever.”

Allie holds back a laugh. “I didn’t know guys liked makeup.”

She’s joking, I can tell. Is it weird that at this moment I want to reach into Tommy’s pocket and pull the ring out? I’d ruin Tommy’s big plan, but every time I look at the future I feel Allie slipping away.

Although maybe it’s just her slipping away from me, from my feelings. Or maybe I just want to be the one to ask her, make her love me like how she loves Tommy._ I miss those butterflies._

“What if we do?” Tommy breaks my thoughts apart.

Allie shrugs, still in the frame of my bedroom door. “All I’d ask is for you not to wear lipstick when kiss.”

Tommy lets out a small laugh. And I feel the tiny fluttering wings at the pit of my stomach. Allie wouldn’t care if we liked makeup or all the girl stuff. She’d still stick around, still be here.

“You’re something else,” Tommy smiles as he walks over to Allie. “Did you know that?”

Allie laughs as she puts her hands on his face. I imagine it’s me she’s laughing with, me she’s touching, me she’s staring at like there are a million stars in the black sky.

But when I look at that picture, it’s not Allie’s face I see. It’s just a black shadow, the other piece of my messed up heart I haven’t found yet.

“I know,” Allie tells Tommy as they both lean in for a kiss. Allie rising on her toes as Tommy brushes her his fingers over her cheek. It’s a nice moment for them, I don’t feel weird. Kinda like a third wheel, but kinda like I’m watching a movie.

Allie leaves after and Tommy stays where she leaves him. He’s in love with her. Isn’t he?

“When are you going to do it?” I ask as Tommy twists around to face me, a smile on his face.

“I don’t know.” He replies as we walks over to me, sitting on the end of my bed like he was before.

“Soon?” I smile, my heart racing in my chest at the thought of having Allie as a part of the family. She already is in both me and Tommy’s mind. Hopefully in hers too.

Tommy sighs. “I don’t know, D.” He looks to the ground, running a hand through his hair. “I’m not scared she’ll say no. I’m just scared that we’d be rushing into it.”

Rushing? After dating through all of high school, after never leaving each others sides since Mom and Dad died. They practically already are married, Allie lives here, Tommy makes dinner with her, they come home to each other. Putting a ring on wouldn’t make anything change. Would it?

“You don’t think that,” I tell Tommy as he plays with his hands in his lap. “You know it wouldn’t be rushing, rushing is after two months, maybe even a year. Not after nine years.”

“I guess. It’s just Mom and Dad, I always pictured them sitting in the front row. Crying or whatever.”

So he’s waiting for them to come back. I never thought about it, that Mom and Dad won’t be here for all my big moments. I won’t have anyone to for my future girlfriends to meet, if there even are any. I doubt after everything I’ve done that anyone would date me, let alone love me.

“They’ll be there,” I say it with so much confidence. The question spinning around my mind is: Do I actually believe it?

Tommy puts a hand on my leg. “They’re gone, D. When you’re gone there’s no coming back.”

He’s talking to me like I’m a little kid who doesn’t understand that dying means gone. _Maybe he’s talking to himself. _

“We’ll save two seats,” I hold back tears. “In the front row.”

Tommy gives my leg a small squeeze. “I haven’t even asked her yet. Don’t go hoping.”

“She’ll say yes before you even get to ask.”

Tommy smiles, looking down.

“She’s already said yes,” I continue. “She picked you Tommy. Go pick her.”

Tommy lets out a slow breath. “When did you become such a love expert? You haven’t even dated.”

“I pick stuff up. Off the streets.” I joke.

Tommy laughs as he lifts himself off my bed. “I’m not putting a date on it.” He says as he walks out. “I just wanted you to know what I was thinking.”

I nod even though he’s already out my door and down the hallway. I fall back into my pillows, letting out a breath as I stare at my ceiling. All the little stars that don’t even glow anymore still shine down at me. Tommy and Allie are perfect for each other. And perfect doesn’t even exist, that’s how right they are.

_Maisie. I should tell her. _

No! It’s not something for her to know, we just met. Plus I’m not sure Tommy will even let me bring her to the wedding.

_Davian! Shut up!_

_ _I slowly drag my hands down my face. I can’t think like this. I shouldn’t have talked to Maisie because now I know that I won’t be able to stop. __

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