“Ma’am, there seems to have been a clerical error.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well you see, according to your file, you qualified for the pearly gates package…and yet…”

“And yet what?! Isn’t it bad enough that I’m dead and now you’re telling me there’s been some kind of paperwork problem with getting me into heaven?!”

“Ma’am, rest assured we will get to the bottom of this, once we speak to HR and -“

“Rest assured?! I’m resting 6 feet under and now I’m in Hell! Literally!”

The pudgy demon in front of me, who can best be described as toad with flappy ears and a snout - pushes his horn rimmed glasses further up adorementioned snout.

“Ma’am, I can tell you from millennia of experience, that yelling at customer service isn’t going to get you into heaven.”

“Well then what am I supposed to do?! Just wait here until HR reviews my file?!”

“Exactly. You’ve got that right, ma’am.”

I look around at the line of souls I’m holding up behind me. Some look like the sort of rough people you cross the street to avoid. I can’t be stuck here indefinitely with them…

“And how long is that supposed to take?”

“Oh I wouldn’t bother trying to conceprualize the time space measurements down here ma’am. It wouldn’t mean anything to you even if I could tell you.”

“And what an I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“Well, as I mentioned, you do have orientation next and you’d best get a move on because Asmodeus does not like to be kept waiting.”

“I refuse to do an orientation for a place I’m not going to be staying in.”

“I’m starting to think maybe there hasn’t been a mistake on your file…” the demon says under his breath but not quietly enough.

“Listen, I want to speak to your manager right now!”

“Hey lady!” A gruff voice behind me yells. I turn around to see one of the rougher looking trucker souls with a sleeve of tattoos. “Some of us want to get to orientation so we can make the most out of this hell hole. So take your welcoming folder from the nice demon and get a move on!”

I swirl around, any sense of self preservation leaving my already detached body. “Listen, just because you’re some low life scum bag who deserves to literally rot in hell, doesn’t mean the rest of us are. And if you’re too pussy to fight to save your soul from eternal damnation, then shut up and let someone who actually has a chance at freedom have her time with the demon clerk! Some of us are actually worth saving!”

That wasn’t smart at all. Definitely doesn’t look good on my soul record.

The trucker winds his arm back, readying for a punch. Will a punch hurt me if I’m just a bodiless soul? I’m scared to find out.

“Why I outta-“

“Enough.”

A chill voice slices through the heat of the crowd. A slender hand comes to my shoulder. I look up to see a goddess of a woman - maybe she actually is a goddess - with cascading silver hair and eyes like cut sapphires standing behind me.

“I can take Ms Wilson from here. Thank you for your time, Joe.”

Joe? The toad demon’s name is Joe?!

The silver goddess guides me through the crowd, past the security checkpoint. Ahead, I can see the dark castle with his silver and ruby spires. That must be where the devil lives.

“Amongst other people, yes.”

I whip my head back so hard that if I had a body, I’d definitely have gotten whiplash.

“You can read minds?!”

“Amongst other abilities, yes.”

“Listen, I’m sure you’re listening to my thoughts right now but I have to say -“

“Yes. They’re quite loud and disorganized. With a tint of horniness. I’m flattered by the way but -“

If I had any blood left, it would all be rushing to my face. Can souls blush?

“Yes, yes they can” the goddess lady replies.

“Shit.”

“Ms Wilson, I think you’ll find that if you stop resisting hell, it might open some opportunities for you. I myself tried to escape numerous times when I first arrived here. But after some time, I learned how to make a name for myself here, and rise in ranks to the point where I live in that impressive castle just over there.”

My brain is racing to catch up to my thoughts.

“Why are you telling me this? I don’t belong here.”

“Oh I think we both know you’re less of a saint than you’ve made yourself out to be. Stop resisting, and hell can be your heaven.”

She spins me around to face her again, revealing a glinting smile of perfectly white teeth.

“I see myself in you, Ms Wilson. The good girl all her life, and where did that get her? Didn’t you ever once want to be wicked? Now’s your chance.”

She opens the palm of her hand, and a ruby red fruit the size of a small gem appears.

“My favourite. Quite addictive, I’m afraid. But when has power ever been resistible?”

She pops the fruit in her mouth, savouring it on her tongue before swallowing. For someone without a body, I can somehow still feel warmth rushing to various places within me.

She smirks.

“Now run along. You don’t want to miss orientation.”

She turns to leave and a wave of dread crashes over me.

“Wait! How will I find you again?”

“Oh. I’m always around. But if you need me, I’ll b at the palace.”

The long sleeves of her iridescent silver dress billow and she walks away. From behind her shoulder she says, “just ask for Persephone.”