Chapter 1: Surprise!

There’s a ring on the doorbell at 2PM.

It’s my Birthday, and I don’t want to deal with another door-to-door salesperson, with the same-old-sales pitch:

“Heeey [Insert some compliment, like “Nice Shoes!”!] I’m in the neighborhood today, doing some work for your neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Made-up-name, and …”

“No Thank You”.

That’s how it would go.

Jocelyn and I had the rare luxury of a lunch together- just the two of us! - at “The Select” modeled after a Parisian artist watering hole (but that’s for another story) - to celebrate my Birthday, she’s stepped out to pick up a cake (and she won’t tell me what kind) to celebrate with the kids later.

That means there’s nobody home to answer the door but me. And it ain’t happening.

I’m wrapping up some work before the kids get home.

And ignoring that doorbell.

//Ding. Dong.🛎️//

…….

Nope.

//Ding, Dong!! // Ding, Dong!! //🔔

Not going to do it.

//Ding-Diddi-Ding Dingitty Dong!! // 🔔 🛎️

…….

Ding, Dooooooooooong!!!! 🛎️ 🔔 🛎️ 🔔

I get a static electricity shock from my laptop.

“Okay! Okay!”

Stomping over to the door, I exhale.

“Can I help you …”

My jaw drops to the floor.

There’s a Wizard at my door.

For the record, there’s a lot happening at The Dune House on any given day, but visits from Wizards are unusual.

“Are You ALONE?!!?” The Wizard asks me.

“What? Why are you asking me that?”

“I mean … is your wife gone?” He leans in, raises his hand to his mouth, and whispers:

“She mustn’t see this!”

“No, she’s …. Wait, why am I telling you this!?”

This is getting stranger by the minute.

“Who are you? And, why are you dressed like a Wizard?”

The Wiz is about six feet tall, seven feet with the purple cone hat with yellow stars. His belt has a picture of the stars of a galaxy woven into the fabric, but they’re blinking - and moving. He looks like he’s lived a long time.

“Edwin Dune!” There’s no time for questions! Take this book and put it in a safe place.”

“You can open it only when nobody is around!”

He hands me a book, sealed by two leather straps and metal buckles. Unintelligible characters - symbols or ancient text - are written on the cover.

Underneath the text there’s a galaxy printed on the cover. An impossible infinity of stars are sparkling there and the galaxy is rotating right there on the book cover.

“Duuuuuuude, that’s cool!” I hear myself say.

I’m beginning to get intrigued. Somehow I’m reminded of Gollum and “my precious”, but this book isn’t giving me the Sauron viillain vibes. It has the feeling of, I don’t know, a talisman or magic guide.

The Wizard speaks again.

“Don’t show it to ANYONE, except your sons when they’re older - your daughter won’t need this - you’ll know when it’s time!”

“And REMEMBER!” He grabs my forearm firmly and looks me in the eyes. I can see stars shining in his pupils.

“We’re not supposed to KNOW!!” 🧙‍♂️

The Wizard let’s go of my arm, turns around, and POOF! ☁️ He disappears in a cloud of purple wizard smoke that quickly dissipates and leaves me staring down at that book in my hands.

Chapter 2:

The Title

I close the door and walk into the kitchen.

I set the book down on the island and stare at it for a few minutes.

The galaxy slowly turns, and the stars blink, and I wonder what is written inside. But first, I want to see what those stars look like in the dark. Into the pantry I go, closing the door behind me.

This is turning into the coolest Birthday, ever.

Little stars hover over an inch to two inches over the cover. Intertwined in the stars are little objects. They look like “things” but I can’t quit make them out.

“I should Snap a photo to Jocelyn!” I think.

A minute bolt of lightning blasts up from the cover and shocks my hand burning me. It hurts like a bee sting.

I hear the Wizard whispering in my head, admonishing me. “Don’t show it to anyone …”

“Okay! Okay!”

Back in the kitchen, I set the book down on the island and turn around to run cold water on my hand from the faucet.

As soon as my hand feels better I turn back to the island, it’s time to open this secret book.

And, there’s still some time before Jocelyn returns, although I’m not convinced that I shouldn’t share it with her.

My jaw drops when I turn back and see the book cover. The strange, unintelligible symbols are shaking, shifting, and shuffling into letters. Letters that I can read.

The Title.

Chapter 3: Enlightenment

It says …

“The Secret Map of Everything!”

Subtitle:

“How Your Wife Finds All The Things!”

Oh, this is a real treasure. I unbuckle the straps faster than a, I can’t think of any clever analogy, and I open the book.

A burst of golden light emanates from the treasure trove of its plentiful pages. Angelic music delights my ears.

I see carton birds dancing in the air, fluttering around me, like I’m in that old Adam Sandler movie, which one was it?

I can never see the world the same again.

I cannot “unsee” these amazing wonders.

There, before my eyes rises a magical, golden, galaxy of glorious star strings shooting from the book to every corner, cranny, floor, and drawer of the house.

I can see the light strings traveling through the walls, up the stairs to the upper level bedrooms, through the floor under my feet and into the basement, out to the garage, and up to the attic, too.

All along the light strings are THINGS!

Things that went missing.

Things misplaced.

Things forgotten.

A Secret highway of indicators.

An Interconnection of “things”

A vast network of things previously hidden from my sight and my perception.

It’s like x-ray glasses, I can see everything in the house, and - like a time traveler - I can even remember exactly where I put things I was looking for a long time ago, and when I put them there. 🤯

I can see … everything

I can even find things I didn’t know I lost!

The little toy from my youth, tucked in a box.

My favorite socks the dog stole.

That second key for the garage door.

My boxers!

I never put my boxers on today. Oh.

All connected with exquisite little ribbons of tiny starlight, ike cosmic strings of Christmas tree lights, only they’re all lit up - not one of the lights is burnt out.

There’s nothing missing.

I walk all around the house discovering the things with my newly acquired birthday powers being sure to carry the book with me.

It’s magical.

Somehow I end up back in the kitchen.

I have no idea how much time has passed.

Until … I hear a voice behind me.

Chapter 4: Transformation

“Oh, I see you’ve found the map.”

Jocelyn is home. Standing behind me.

Somewhere I hear the Wizard groan.

“Hi honey, I got a … the funniest thing happened while you were gone, a wizard came …” I say.

“It’s okay Ed, I don’t need the details. I know about the book. Well, I’ve heard of it anyway. I’ve never seen one before. Happy Birthday, I guess,” she says.

“It’s the magic all women have inside of us.

We can see the Secret Highway Connecting All Things: So They May Never Be Missing.”

“It comes naturally to us. Like a blessing.”

Jocelyn looks relieved to share this with me.

“But, how does it work? Do you carry the book around?”

“No, it’s all here now.” Jocelyn pointed to her forehead. She continues …

“Listen, it’s a big responsibility. It’s great helping people, but it’s a lot to carry on your shoulders.”

I’m enthralled. “I always wondered how you knew where everything is, like, all the time!”

Jocelyn continued to explain.

“People start to expect you to know where everything is. Everything. All the time!”

Jocelyn sits down on a kitchen stool and lets out a long exhale, unwinding years of the pressure of finding all the things for us bozos.

“It doesn’t always work. Teenagers are notoriously good at losing things. And for some reason they’re fantastic at obscuring things. They don’t even try. It’s so mind-boggling.”

“What happens now?”

“Welcome to the Secret Society of Women Who Know Where Everything Is! You’re an Honorary Member of WHKWEI now.”

Jocelyn takes the book in her hands and flips to a page I hadn’t seen before. It has a giant QR code.

“Well, you have to find things on your own now. All you have to do is scan the QR code.”

“I … I don’t think I’m ready.” I say sheepishly.

“It’s your time now. You can do this.”

“It’s a big responsibility.” I’m starting to panic.

“Do it for the boys!” Jocelyn says.

“Do it for our daughter Anna” she implores.

“But it’s my birthday, this doesn’t …”

“For the love of God!” Jocelyn interrupts me.

“Do it for me!” Jocelyn’s eyes widen.

“I’m so tired of finding things. I need a break.”

At that moment I know I’m going to do it.

For Jocelyn, for Anna, and for the boys.

“Just remember, there’s no going back,” she says. Somewhere, I hear a man in a purple hat sighing.

I scan the QR code with my phone.

WHOOOOOOOOOOSH

There’s a yellow swirly pattern.

It travels from the QR and winds its ways to my forehead in a cork screw pattern.

Kind of like the Ghostbusters blasters.

My arms fly straight out, my hips move in circles like I’m hoola hooping. Time pauses.

I suddenly feel strangely empowered.

And I feel a lightness of being.

I suddenly feel… useful.

Competent!

And … I feel (gasp!) … organized!

Time restarts. Jocelyn opens blinks here eyes and looks around as if she didn’t remember our conversation. She asks me a question:

“What is that book?”

Shhh, it’s yours to bear now, The Wiz whispers in my ear from somewhere far away.

“Oh nothing, Joc. It’s just a book from a wise old friend.”

“Ok” she says, then “Edwin, Honey, where did I put my keys? I think I left your Birthday cake in the car.”

“Nope. It’s in the refrigerator in the garage,” I say automatically. What the … it’s happening!

“Wait, how did you KNOW that!? I don’t even remember putting it there!” Jocelyn asks.

Somewhere the Wizard laughs.

THE END / AND THE NEW BEGINNING 🤔 😂