If just by being a human I deserve something,

Then I deserve better than myself.

Because I deserve nothing.

And I know what the responses will be like,

But you don’t know me.

You don’t know why it isn’t enough,

Why it gets more difficult to deny these thoughts about myself,

Why sometimes I indulge them.

And some days,

When I feel a little more sane,

I tell myself I need to say something.

That I need to share more than what’s already out there,

And I’m so confused.

I think I’ve already started replacing memories in my head.

I’m unsure what I have done,

And I don’t know what to do now.

I don’t get it.

What am I not understanding?

What is the secret to being happy?

The meds aren’t doing their job anymore.

If the dose gets higher than why does the anxiety get worse?

I’m kind enough I think.

I deserve better than this mess of a person,

But I don’t always feel I deserve to be happier.

They’re not one and the same anymore.

But I guess I’m equating “want” with “deserve”

I want to be someone else.

The grass is greener over there, you know?

I feel like the cause of my own suffering.

And I do want to be happy,

But more than anything I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.

But that’s what I want,

Not what I deserve.