Honey, Nearly all of the hate in my heart is reserved for you. I didn’t know I was capable of so much, But love can be abused in an instant. I was always capable of love.
And maybe, There is less room for love in my heart now. But it’s better off this way. Keeping things close, Tight, With people that I trust. My trust gets lost anyways.
All of the hate in my heart is for you. Before you, There was never much hate there to begin with. Now I have so much that I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to go breaking things, Or punching walls, But I’ve said this all too many times. I should just shut up.
People piss me off. I’ve made excuses for other people for so long. I’m done with that. I’m done with hating myself for the way that I feel. I am entitled to hate whoever I want to. Especially when it’s fucking justified.
I am done. I am done with guilting myself, With gaslighting myself, With lying to myself. I am done protecting her. She doesn’t need a shield. She uses people as them anyways. Let her be out in the open For when the fire comes raining down.
Nothing I think, Nothing you say, Could change the fact that she’s a horrible person. That she did horrible things to me. You can’t take that away from me. You can’t take my mind. You can’t take my mind. For once in my life, My mind is fucking mine.
And no one Is getting in there.
In my dream last night, You received punishment. I looked you in the eyes and told you “you deserve it”.
Then I saw you this morning, Walking with some new girl. I’d seen you with her once before. She must be your new victim. What, Losing your grip on your old one?
But I promised myself, That I wouldn’t give you the time of day. You are beneath me. If I don’t crush you, Eventually, You’ll just get crushed anyways.
Tell me, what you want from me? You know I never could… I should’ve known much earlier, That what I gave was not enough, You wanted more. Yet I gave you all that I had.
Tell me, what fate did you want for me? How far were you willing to go, And I’ve wondered, I’ve wondered if you Would kill me. If you had the chance. Cause you walked me down that path, To the very edge. If you jump I will follow, No you never followed. Didn’t even reach out a hand.
You held me by the bay, I couldn’t remeber a single thing. I remember it all now. So now I Am the one asking myself, If the knife was in my hand, Would I?
You know I never could.
I hate you. I think I hate you more than my body can handle. I want to destroy you. Then I want to forget you. But I want to destroy you first.
I feel guilty for that, Until I don’t. I think I’m tired of feeling guilty. You are the villain in this story after all.
Will I ever stop being angry? It’s not like you can change. Some people just are the way that they are. You will never have my forgiveness. I don’t care how long you might beg. Forgiveness is a curse, But to forget would be a gift. The sweetest gift.
You were the downfall of me. Look how the timelines coincide. For that year and a half, You ruined my life.
Look at me back in the Winter. I was mostly doing fine. You were eating away at me slowly, yes, But I couldn’t see the signs.
And then spring is when you pulled the trigger. Shots fired in the dark. I was confused, Didn’t know if I should blame you, But you were holding the gun, I knew that much.
Spring is the first time I wanted to die. After that the feeling didn’t leave my side. I hated myself, I hated the world, I hated you, I hated myself for hating you. I hated myself.
And maybe I would’ve got there some other way, But there was a dam in my mind. It could’ve been unpacked slowly, Not unleashed in a tidal wave, Obliterated by your bare hands. I drowned that night.
I’ve got all this anger now pent up inside. I’d go berserk if I saw you in real life. I can’t get these feelings to die. It haunts me every fucking night.
People suck. But you don’t just suck. You are a monster. And you don’t have claws or fangs, So that makes you the most dangerous type. I’m lucky I survived. And I just barely survived.
Janus gave me a choice, A fork in the road, Split passage ways, Two doors. One to the past, One to the future. And I asked him, Why can’t I stay right here? And he told me that there never was a here. The present is a fleeting moment. You can move forward or go back. Staying still takes you back anyways It was never an option.
There were two doors at the end of this hallway. I can’t bring myself to choose. But that’s a choice isn’t it? My mind is forever lost with you..
My life is lost with you in these memories. I’ll never live at all.
Crush my lungs. If I can’t breathe, Then I can’t speak.
All these broken drums. You played the mind games Endlessly.
It’s poison, not love. It’s the worst of drugs. I wrote this very poem once. Called it fiction, not fact. Now when I look back, I know that I meant it all, experienced what I said.
Because here I am with poison in my blood, Blood filling up my lungs, Broken mind, broken heart, Scars from your “love” I fell to pieces, To the beat, Of all your broken drums.
I miss her sometimes. She was a good friend. We were there for each other in the hard times. We only knew each other in the hard times. It’s easy to bond over that. But I don’t think we would’ve needed it. But she was so sweet and kind And easy to talk to. We bonded over Olivia Rodrigo. I taught her how to make paper cranes And she made an army to rival my own. I made her a particularly special one the day she was crying. It had a little note on the wing, Telling her she was loved, Signed off by me.
I never got to say goodbye, So It comforts me that she has it now. I may just have the memories, But I can hold onto them. And I hold onto this faint little hope in my heart, That I’ll see her again. At that concert in December, Or at a tournament for the debate team. I doubt it, But that’s okay. I’m comfortable with what I have.
I haven’t grown since I was in sixth grade. I thought I had, I wanted to believe that, But if anything, I’m worse off, Or just unchanged.
I forget every now and then, Because I guess egotistical is my natural state, But every now and then someone reminds me, That I’m doing something wrong, That I haven’t changed. So I will change. I will put on a new face just as I have done before, Because I guess that the cracks have started showing again, If I’m being awful I guess. I’ll tiptoe around the things that I say. That’s one of my favorite ways to play this game. I’ve just been reminded I guess, That I can’t get too comfortable, Can’t let the mask slip, Because nobody wants what’s on the inside. Nobody wants the real me. I’m not sure I even know who that is anymore.
