We all sit together outside after school, waiting for our rides to come. You and I are drawing in my sketchbook. Your sister is laughing with her best friend. Glasses looks at us from behind her phone.

“Oh, yeah, about you leaving—“

I bolt up, pencil dropping on the side walk. I turn to you, a fire of betrayal burning in my eyes. “You’re leaving?”

You look at me with an apologetic face. Your sister and her friend have stopped talking, your sister is avoiding my gaze.

“Well, yes,” you bump my shoulder with yours, “I was going to tell you, but….”

The screech of the bus gains my attention. Glasses and I pick out bags up, heading to leave.

“L—“

I shake my head at you. “It’s fine, bye.” I turn my back to you and head behind Glasses to the bus.

The next Monday morning, you don’t appear for class.

***

My brain is on shut down. Everything else is shit.

“Now I know how Bella felt when Edward left,” I mutter, shuffling through my bookbag to find my assignment.

Ice Cream Hair touches my shoulder from beside me. “Hey, where’s—“ He says your name.

Suddenly, my heart pumps, my eyes narrow. I can’t breath. I…can’t…breath.

“Piss off.” I hiss. I place my paper on my desk and turn away from him.

“Well jeez,” I hear him mutter, “She’s even more cranky than she usually is.

***

Lunch is normal. Glasses and Diva are on their phones like always. This time I’m on my phone as well.

But it’s not normal.

The sound of the cafeteria does not compare to the depressed quiet between us three. Usually Diva would start a conversation and Glasses and I would respond from there.

Usually you would too.

I dig to my backpack and find my Bluetooth headphones. I flip through my playlist until I find _Devil’s Manner_, one of our favorites that we shared.

I want to cry. I just want to give up and cry. I never told you how I feel and now I’ll never get a chance.

***

I am messed up. I don’t think I’m depressed, no, I’m not that in despair. But I know that I’m messed up.

I cry in my room, sketching you with a blue pen. It’s dark and probably midnight, but that’s perfect. No one will hear me or confront me.

I draw you smiling, angry, crying, confused.

I laugh.

How you always looked confused. That face was the one that caught my heart. That face of pure innocence.

I rip the paper from my sketchbook and crumble it into a ball in my hand.

_Fuck. FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK! _

__

_***_

__

__

I don’t_ _know what time it is.

I’m wondering what it would look like I you had stayed.

If I had confessed.

If you had loved me too.

If we were a couple.

Married.

I sigh. I would have had you all to myself. No one else would be able to see you the ways I have.

But now….

I scream into my pillow and bit my lip.

**_That can never happen now._**