The day Harriet returned I thought..”how could this be? I killed you! I killed you with my bare hands! Was it all a dream? Am I truly that mad?” I watched you as you crossed the street, so nonchalantly. Your hair flowing in the wind as if you were in a cover girl commercial. How dare you look that carefree after the hell you put me through! After all the fucking lies! Who are you? Are you just in my head? Is this some cruel joke? Is this my guilt? My guilt that threatens to haunt me everyday for whAt I’ve done?

I thought you saw me too. Our eyes locked and you smiled at me like the first day we met in high school. Long before everything turned to shit, you were my only friend in the whole world. When Joe called me fat you were the person that dried my tears. When I shared my dreams with you, you were the one that encouraged me to chase my dreams. You looked at me through those light blue eyes and you saw my soul! True sisters in every way....until the lies started. First you would lie about where you were going, but I knew. I knew you were sneaking off to see Joe the asshole that didn’t know how to love. How could you love him? I thought I knew you! I thought I knew everything about you! Then you started to lie about hanging out with OUR friends without me. Why did I deserve this? Maybe I was too needy? That’s what my mom always told me. She would say “ darlin’ you just love too hard! You force others to keep their distance. You’re too needy and no one likes that. Therefore, no one could ever love you!” She was always sharing words of wisdom for her eldest daughter. Even when I came to her and shared with her that I had been raped I never got the understanding and love that I so craved, until you showed me kindness. I always end up ruining any relationship in my life though. Sometimes it by jealousy, my “neediness”, paranoia and my agonizing need to please others by being someone I’m not. I close my eyes and count to ten but you’re still there. I follow a safe distance away not to be too noticeable. You smile at everyone that passes you. I catch a whiff of your perfume that lingers in the air. You always loved clean scents. Warm cotton by clean was your favorite. I get closer trying to close the distance between us now because I just have to know. I have to know if it’s truly you! If it is truly you Harriet then who the hell did we bury that cold October night? I reach out to touch your arm and you startle easily. Turning to ask what I wanted I realized in that moment i wasn’t even sure what to say!