The day Harriet returned I thought..”how could this be? I killed you! I killed you with my bare hands! Was it all a dream? Am I truly that mad?” I watched you as you crossed the street, so nonchalantly. Your hair flowing in the wind as if you were in a cover girl commercial. How dare you look that carefree after the hell you put me through! After all the fucking lies! Who are you? Are you just in my head? Is this some cruel joke? Is this my guilt? My guilt that threatens to haunt me everyday for whAt I’ve done? I thought you saw me too. Our eyes locked and you smiled at me like the first day we met in high school. Long before everything turned to shit, you were my only friend in the whole world. When Joe called me fat you were the person that dried my tears. When I shared my dreams with you, you were the one that encouraged me to chase my dreams. You looked at me through those light blue eyes and you saw my soul! True sisters in every way....until the lies started. First you would lie about where you were going, but I knew. I knew you were sneaking off to see Joe the asshole that didn’t know how to love. How could you love him? I thought I knew you! I thought I knew everything about you! Then you started to lie about hanging out with OUR friends without me. Why did I deserve this? Maybe I was too needy? That’s what my mom always told me. She would say “ darlin’ you just love too hard! You force others to keep their distance. You’re too needy and no one likes that. Therefore, no one could ever love you!” She was always sharing words of wisdom for her eldest daughter. Even when I came to her and shared with her that I had been raped I never got the understanding and love that I so craved, until you showed me kindness. I always end up ruining any relationship in my life though. Sometimes it by jealousy, my “neediness”, paranoia and my agonizing need to please others by being someone I’m not. I close my eyes and count to ten but you’re still there. I follow a safe distance away not to be too noticeable. You smile at everyone that passes you. I catch a whiff of your perfume that lingers in the air. You always loved clean scents. Warm cotton by clean was your favorite. I get closer trying to close the distance between us now because I just have to know. I have to know if it’s truly you! If it is truly you Harriet then who the hell did we bury that cold October night? I reach out to touch your arm and you startle easily. Turning to ask what I wanted I realized in that moment i wasn’t even sure what to say!

All the stars in the sky died. The days were long and dreary. Everyone felt helpless as no one had an inkling of where she was...except me. Harriet was the most popular girl in school. She was beautiful but not snobby. She was perfection from her light blonde hair bob down to her coach bag and matching coach shoes. She wasn’t just popular either , she was charming and genuinely nice. She started the “stop bullying” campaign before it was a “thing”. Harriet was also my best friend in the whole world. My first ever friend really. I could tell her anything and I knew she wouldn’t judge me. She would look at me intently through her brilliant blue eyes and put off this energy that let me feel I was going to be okay. So why did I do what I did to her? What’s wrong with me? I never meant to hurt her. I swear it! Things just got out of hand. The events that happened a week ago were now a distant memory and a blur. I loved Harriet maybe even more than a friend. Sometimes when she looked at me I thought she felt it too. Obviously I was wrong. When the police came to my house to question me I nearly shit my pants. I had had run ins with the law including underage drinking, petty theft and having drug paraphernalia on my person. I was always so cool calm and collected, but this time I could feel the blood rush to my face as they asked me questions about our relationship, if we ever had a fight, when was the last time I saw her? Fuck if I can remember “all the details” from a week ago. I know I looked guilty but I couldn’t reveal what I knew. Not yet anyway. At this point there were too many people involved we had to make sure we were all on the same page with everything. The days that followed harriets disappearance were the worst of my life, but let me take you back, back to the beginning of Harriets end.
My family and I moved to this little suburb when I was 14 years old. We left our home in Chicago for my mother’s boyfriend. I hated her for the move. I missed the hustle and bustle of busy city life. This town was boring. I had no friends and I vowed I’d move back to Chicago as soon as I was 18 years old. I went to school that August and kept a low profile. I walked to school as it was a block away. I was pretty average looking in my opinion. Approximately 5’2, 100 something pounds and long straight brown hair that I always had curled and pulled up. I kept my eyes down as I walked the halls of this little school and listened to all the conversations around me.