I am on my side, and you are on yours.

I thought we were together but now I’m unsure.

A rift built between us, a mound standing tall.

I cannot move on whilst I hear what you call

An uncomfortable moment when stories I share

Of childhood and trauma and all that is there.

You say that it hurts you, these stories of mine;

Yet they’re of my trauma, not yours, and I’m fine.

The hill that you built in mere minutes is steep.

So I dissociated and then I did weep.

I felt silly and nasty for causing your pain,

But now that I think of it I must reframe.

You want a girlfriend with no trauma in past;

A person I can’t be, it never will last.

I can swallow down grief, I can choke on my thoughts

But I refuse to be living on your shoulds and your aughts.

You placed so many flags on that hill in one night

That I’m seriously worried, it’s been quite a fright.

Are you an abuser just like those before

Who will slowly destroy me and watch as I fall?

Should I be worried and should I be scared

Of the woman I see who I really thought cared.

I now know that my memories are formed into knives;

No longer just mine, I am ruining two lives.

Yet somewhere within is a voice in protest.

My trauma is mine and not yours to arrest.

Why should I close off when I’m learning to live;

I have power in speech and the names that I give

To all that went unspoken and all that hurt me.

So much pain was caused but no one could see.

I refuse to shut up while I’m building my self.

Living true to my past and my future with help.

I don’t feel supported, but do feel ashamed.

Your words and your hill have taken what I named.

You claim that you care but I don’t think that you do.

For if you cared really you would follow things through.

You would listen without making these stories about you;

And care unconditionally thinking of me too.

I can’t understand how you’ve taken offence

With a life from the past you have claimed self defence.

So we keep sitting on opposite sides;

You in your castle and me where I hide.

Frozen in terror and buried away.

No longer will I see the brightness of day.

I cannot trust you and I cannot trust me.

I have nothing left but defences you see.

I cannot be broken, I will not be bent.

Perhaps life alone will be better spent.