Sat in my dining room chair, you sat in yours, I watch you down the whole thing in what seems like two, maybe three gulps. Alcohol is a task for you- something to get done; finish. You never savor it.

Wiping tears from me eyes before they can reach the apples of my cheeks, I let a quivering, small smile stretch as far as it could across my flushed face. Admittedly, it didn't stretch very far. The corners of my mouth were the only parts upturned.

"Are you crying?" you ask, worried. "What's wrong?" you still sound so compassionate.

"I did it," my voice wavers as I admit this "It's done."

"What do you mean? What's done?" You seem so far away.

"Yesterday- over the phone. This is the end. This is our- this is- we can be together- like you said-" I'm trying to recall the events of yesterday as a whole. Everything has been fuzzy lately. Has it? Maybe for a week. No- two to three weeks. I don't know. My head hurts. You look sick.

"You know very well that's not what I meant. It's going to be okay. People break up all the time. In the end," My ears are ringing. "this will all seem like it's lifetimes away. You'll have someone else, maybe I'll still be alone but we'll be happy. Happier- apart. Safer. That's what we talked about." No. This isn't a what I heard- what you said.

I already did it. There's no undoing it, is there? I could call an ambulance, they would rush in and take us apart, they would pump your stomach. The police would take your statement once you were conscious. You wouldn't understand. You would even press charges, I bet. I would go to jail. No, prison. Jail and then prison. I would rot. You would live a life where I was just an event that you survived. You'd be a brave victim and I would be just another deranged ex.

You would never love me again. Not in the way I love you.

"Well..." I speak as I breathe out a deep inhale. "At least... can we talk about boundaries? What's next? What- I can never see you again?"

I stall. Within the next hour or two, you'll be gasping your last breaths. This will be our last misunderstanding. I will bring us to the commitment I know we both want, deep down. You may not see it yet but in the afterlife, whatever that means for you and me, we will exist as one. No bills, pets, jobs, groceries, landlords, friends, or family to weigh us down. Just you, and me. Our spirits in the vast afterward. You'll forgive me. This is partially your doing, you know that. I don't feel well. I don't feel well. You'll forgive me.