I was 12 the first time i had thoughts

Laying in bed staring at the moon nightlight on the wall

Wondering if should do it or not

I was 17 when the thoughts came back

Blame it on the loneliness, maybe because dad died

But everyday was another anxiety attack

I was 22 when the thoughts beat me once more

The assault, the betrayal, the loneliness, the pain

Its like I was unable to move, glued to the floor

Like I had died but my body didn’t die with me

I couldn’t pull the trigger, I couldn’t take the pills

Why is this my life, is the how it will always be?

I was 23 when I finally came clean

Trauma therapy, acceptance, a self love journey

Can’t help but wonder how life would be had I come clean at 18

I’m 24 now and I finally the chills have stopped

I am still alone

I was once so sad, so alone, so lost, my heart perpetually dropped

I am a work in progress

But I am here