Peering down, everything in me wanted to jump. Yearning to get in and be enveloped by the wonderful feel of the pre-heated water. The sun was scorching in the midst of summer and everything was perfect for a swim. I wiggled my toes in the shore where the lake water met the smooth stones, my chest beating with anticipation and adrenaline. A swim was always a great way to warm up my morning, gets things going while having a nice bath. Except bathing is not what advices considering it does not rain often here. So the water is always murky and rarely naturally filtered. Today it was especially murky and appeared to be pitiless with the black hue that hung right beneath the surface. It was eerie but not scary and nothing in my body signaled wrong, so I tiptoed till my ankles were submerged and my feet were out longer visible. Such a thick film. I raised my foot out at the quick thought that maybe it was too thick and actually stuck, but my foot came off clear and dirt-less so my troubles were scoffed off as delusions. I wiped the bottom of my foot on the smooth stone for a little callus touch-up, which felt rude to do to Mother Nature and smart to do as a human for being all-natural. Here we go.

Without even allowing my body to ask my mind if it was ok, we dove into the waters with a free toss of my being. With a little back arch, I wriggled a little in a mermaid-style swim and held my breathe till my lungs felt the pressure of wanting to inhale again. When it came, I opened my eyes. The surface was close and the sun was bright through the dark murk, looking like an eclipsed moon. These moments in life where I can pause and just be are what I live for. Where I can just sit here and take a deep breath of my surroundings…. Oh shit. Too long. My chest yanked at the realization of how nice breathing was, and it screamed once more when my head was 2 feet from the surface. So close and yet so far. The water rushing against my face made the situation more wild and I felt like I had gone down farther than I realized. Keep calm. I focused on the thought of holding my breath. All my thoughts were wild so I kept it on the idea that my breath is held and everything is cool. I’ll get there eventually and I’ll be able to hold it till then. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven… Eight………. Nine… Ten..? …! Why are we taking so long? How are we so far! I could not have dove and gone this deep! Why is the surface not broken yet by me face and why am I not able to breathe yet? The sun is RIGHT THERE! What is…. Ok, stop. Chill. You’re fine and you’re still holding your breath without passing out so danger isn’t immediate yet. But I’m really not sure how much longer I can do this. It’s got to have been at least a minute by now. Maybe I can kick my legs harder. With the force of the water being pushed off my calves and the bottoms of my feet shoved me a little higher and the anticipation in me rose. My arms flailed desperately for the air side but only reached to find more water above. Another two feet of arms reach. I stroked that with both arms, my head down to propel and break tension, my legs vibrating vigorously like scissors. My heart cried for oxygen and my lungs screamed to expand. I just wanted to give up and inhale. But that would be a terrible end. So I really need that surface break or I’m going to die. The thought drove my body into a maniacally flail that both thrust myself up and exhausted the last of my energy. And yet. The sky. I still couldn’t reach it. And the sun. It shone through the dark cloud like a flashlight through a sheet. Not an attractive description but a pretty bland picture when vision begins to blur. Why have I not reached the surface? Why are you so far? My body stops

abruptly and I give up altogether on strokes. My abs burn. I use them to twist my body to look down. To turn from the hopeless finish line. But. With my eyes open underwater and my mind muddling with losing thoughts and consciousness, I could almost make out another sun. A little light shining through the bottom of the lake where it taunted me at its other end. As gravity grasped my realization that the bottom was getting closer, my heart twisted and my stomach sunk.