“Come on it will be fun!”

“It won’t.”

“Yes it will, don’t be boring.”

Reason number 1: if you feel the need to get absolutely shit faced and snort half of Columbia on a night out to “have fun” then maybe you’re the boring one.

“Ugh. If I go out this once then I never have to again.”

“Fine, deal.”

Reason number 2: The Slug & Lettuce just gives me Love Island vibes. I don’t know why it just does. Every “lad” in their dresses the exact same. They’ve been to the gym, only ever bench pressed and bicep curled, you can tell from the skin tight black jeans they are wearing that they’ve never done cardio or done leg day once. They wear a white shirt that is ridiculously tight around their arms, short sleeved because they need to have their tatted up arms out. Now I have no issue with tattoos, I have plenty, but when you and your entire group of mates have all got the exact same design finishing off with a rose on your hand you look like a bunch of dickheads. Now the age of these “beys” varies from 18-30. At 18 I get it, at 30, get your life together. You look ridiculous.

Then you have the girls. Girls vary a little bit more. You have the 18 year olds who have made way to much effort, the 22-26 year olds who for most of the time have got it right but then their personality is the same as the girls on love island who suddenly act like wisemen (or women) when their “friend” has been cheated on and they all do that drunk kinda thing where they shout over each other, call each other babe and say how they’ll always be there for one another. And then you have the over 30’s who are usually recently divorced, single mums who think that the 18 year olds that are ‘flirting’ with them actually fancy them and that they ‘still have it.’ You don’t girls, it’s just banter. Grow up.

“See I told you it would be fun!”

“I would rather be dead.”

Reason Number 3: The conversations you hear … oh my god. Lads trying to be impressive to the table of girls half a mile away by shouting in their deepest, roadmanist (?) voice about all the absurd shit they’ve done recently.

“Oi lads lads, oi! Do you remember that time J was doing the roof at work and we fuckin’ pushed him off?! Ey ey! Hahaha fuckin’ mad one, the bell is still in ICU haha!”

Listen boys, if you want to go and talk to the girls, go and talk to them. Your stories about being lads aren’t actually impressing anyone, all everyone is thinking is ‘what a bunch of cocks.’ And not in a good way.

Girls are also just as bad, they also tell stories really loudly to each other to try and get the attention of the boys. It’s almost like watching a mating ritual on David Attenborough, it’s just a shame neither sex does when the deed is done like some animals.

A few hours later and my nightmare is nearly over. This is the worst bit though, leaving. Not because I don’t want to. Oh no, I was mentally in my bed with a book 2 hours ago. No it’s the fact that everyone who you have been watching and judging all night have now become way to friendly as they are all, and I believe this is the technical term, ‘drunk as fuck.’

“Oh shit, sorry mate sorry, I didn’t mean to knock in you.”

“It’s fine … please get your hand off me … no I don’t want a hug … no I don’t want to be friends, fuck off”

You see girls and guys who have met 20 minutes before spending doubly as long saying goodbye to each other and getting one another’s Snapchat details so they can not message each other the next day when one of them realised that they could have done a lot better and ‘omg I can’t drink again’. I hate it. I hate people.

“So did you have a good time?”

“…yeah actually, I did.”