The birds chirp as the sun rises to meet the clouds. Sunlight streams through my lace covered windows. I wish to say I rose with the sun but I made very good friends with the moon. I haven’t slept a full 12 hours since... his accident. I wince audibly and closed my eyes shut.

I lay on my side, paralyzed with a cocktail of emotions burning through me. After what felt like hours, I relaxed my body and slowly started to get ready. School still existed after all.

I walked through the halls, my eyes looking straight ahead. I used to have trouble with that, focusing my gaze. But now, it seems so simple. I used to gaze at him, playing with his cars... Tears stream down my face, going unnoticed until a girl alerts the teacher.

Again, I’m sent to the counselor’s office. I sit down as she starts talking. I tune her out and go to my happy place. Me on my knees beside you as you babble about everything under the sun. You always loved making noise. You were so adventurous... too adventurous...

I faintly hear my name so I come up for air and tune back in to her relentless lecture.

“Cayla, you just have to talk to us. And we can help you. You used to be so talkative. Now you sit here, staring at me. And your grades have dropped to F’s! Cayla, what happened to your ambition? Talk to me so I can help you.” She pleads, with genuine concern in her eyes. I look straight at her, assessing her appearance and tone. She’s tired, over-worked.

I look at her clock and see it’s almost time for school to end. Already? Time went too fast for my liking now. His time ran out too fast... I looked back at her and started to speak, “You don’t understand. He was my baby brother. My reason to believe God exists. I loved him,” My voice rising with each word. “So, when he was taken away, a part of me died. And when he was killed, a bigger part of me died. He needed to be protected! He needed me! And I wasn’t there!” I stood up suddenly, scaring her. “So, no, I won’t talk to you. Because you can’t help me. The only way you can help is if you bring him back. And I know you can’t.” The bell rang and I grabbed my backpack on my way out of the small office.

Tears started to fill my eyes. I stormed to the nearest exit and threw my backpack at the wall behind me. Memories rose to the surface of my conscious and anger bubbled under my skin, hot as lava. I was panting before I knew it. My mind shut down, I could only feel the wall under my fragile fists. Hit, hit, hit, hit... I was throwing blow after blow upon the offending wall. I could feel skin break and feel bone bruise but I didn’t care. I needed an outlet and this was the closest thing near me.

I felt blood splatter on my face and I hit the wall harder. I faintly heard footsteps and yelling but I could care less about that. All I cared about was the anger inside of me. More blood splattered on me and I heard shuffling around me. As I was in the middle of a right hook, arms circled my waist and other hands grabbed my wrist. I struggled and cried out in pain. The body behind me crushed my body to theirs, I couldn’t breathe. The black over my eyes rose and as my conscience slipped under me I saw a crowd of students, two security guards, counselors, teachers, and people I once called friends.

In my deep sleep, induced by pain-killers, I was in a field filled with small flowers. I looked around and saw my baby brother. I ran to him, screaming and yelling for him. He never looked my way. When I was a few feet away I reached out my arms and once my fingers grazed his hair, he turned to ash.

My eyes burst open. I was in a hospital. I saw a group of people outside my door, discussing something with very serious, hushed tones. There was a window in my room... I got up quietly to unlock the latch. I stepped up on the windowsill, looked up and stepped off with a smile.