“you’d have to be an absolute fool to believe that!” my best friend ali says to me, looking at a text i got from my boyfriend.

the text reads, “i promise ill never leave.”

from both of our experience, that promise is never kept. by any man.

“i dont know, i have a good feeling about him” i said to her.

she laughed and we went on with our night.

as the relationship progressed, my good feeling stuck around.

he was the sweetest soul. he bought me flowers, all the cheesy relationship stuff you see in movies.

i truly did believe him.

but you know, nothing lasts forever.

the guy i thought i knew, who always wanted to be around me, loved my presence and made me feel like the only girl in the world, turned into a face i could barely recognize.

sitting through all of my work shifts with me turned to staying home and playing video games, the all night facetime calls turned to sleepless nights alone, and “i love clingy girls” slowly faded into “i need alone time”.

why does this always happen to me?

arguments became more frequent. i could feel him getting sick of me.

next thing i know, i suffocate him.

im too much.

im too needy. 

i still remember the first time he broke up with me.

i was texting him at work, and he said something that hurt my feelings. we argued about it, until the words “we need to break up” appeared on my screen.

i freaked out. left work immediately with a family emergency, and scream cried in my room begging him to stay.

it was pathetic, the way i was begging.

“ill change anything you want”.

“tell me what i have to do”.

“ill do anything”.

the list goes on of the things i said to convince him to stay.

he declined every call, and refused to meet up in person because he needed space.

i felt like a little girl trapped in a 17 year olds body just wanting someone to love her.

lets just say this exact scenario happened about ten more times.

even though we are together now, one specific breakup sticks with me to this day.

we saw the barbie movie together.

on the way home, he dropped the bomb that he didnt want to call that night.

being as sensitive as i am, that stung.

i tried to argue it, but instead of him changing his mind, he broke up with me.

i parked the car in front of his house and followed him into his yard, grabbing onto his hands begging him not to leave.

there was a point where i had to just give up and go home.

my best friend on the phone, “its okay d, youre going to be okay.”

the words echo in my mind to this day.

i was a fool to believe that.