12/08/2022 what am i supposed to do? my best friend, someone who ive never seen as anything more, the one who ive loved platonically for the past eight months just confessed his feelings for me. i dont know if i feel the same way. dont get me wrong, hes great. but im terrified of ruining the connection we already have. im a great friend, but im not a good girlfriend. i have way too much past damage and its not his job to fix that. i just know it wont go well. anyways, its 12 in the morning right now and i just cant sleep. what he said keeps replaying in my head. i cant believe he has feelings for ME. all the other girls in his past are butt ugly, so what does that say about me? idk, theres so many things going on in my head right now, i think i just need to go to bed.
12/12/2022 i think i might have feelings for his friend, matt. hes 3 years older than me, but i just think hes cute and funny. maybe out of my league, i dont know. i dont want him to find out, because i know he will be upset. im not even sure how i feel anymore. love and boys are just so confusing and im too scared to be hurt again. he hasnt even shown any interest in me, so i dont know why im letting this affect me so much. maybe tre isnt so bad after all. i feel like he would treat me nicely. i just dont want to get into a relationship, ruin it, and then lose the friendship we had before. but maybe itll be okay. maybe it wont be like my last relationship. i cant go through another heartbreak, i just cant. but being with him makes me forget all of it. i feel the need to push these feelings down and pretend they dont exist, out of fear. maybe i will talk to him about it soon. just not yet. maybe not ever.
12/24/2022 matt and i hung out today, we made gingerbread houses today. i told tre, and he ignored me for the whole day. i knew he would be mad. i tried to talk to him about if after i got home, but he would barely say anything. what he did say, kinda broke my heart. i feel like a shitty person. he told me that once he catches feelings for someone, he just cant let go and he hates to see me with someone else. we texted about it for a while until he went to bed. i am still up, just thinking. hanging out with matt wasnt even that fun, we just didnt click. he seems funny as a friend, but not anything more. which is what i used to think about tre but i feel like that might be changing. matt is supposed to come over for christmas with my family tomorrow, my mom invited him. she said tre was welcome too, maybe ill just have tre come instead. ill sleep on it.
12/25/2022 i told matt he couldnt come over anymore without giving him a reason. tre and i hung out all day today, we had burger king for lunch and went sledding. he came over for christmas dinner with my family, and met my aunts and cousins. my mom took this picture of us on my back porch that i just cant stop staring at. his face is just so fun to look at. maybe i am starting to grow some feelings for him. i cant fall asleep tonight, its already 2am. update: its 3am right now and my aunt just threw up in my bathoom from drinking too much. i am a raging emetophobic, i cant handle anything that has to do with vomit. so yeah, im not getting any sleep tonight. i have nobody to talk to about it so im just here freaking out by myself.
12/26/2022 i am still traumatized from the vomit incident last night. luckily, tre ended up waking up at like four in the morning for some reason and responded to one of my previous texts, so i was able to talk to him about it. it was actually so comforting. hes so understanding about my phobia and it just feels like he gets me. maybe friends to lovers isnt an awful idea. i know that if i told him how i felt, he would be thrilled, but i just cant bring myself to make that commitment and possibly mess things up. nothing eventful happened today, i just hung out with tre like normal, like every day. now im just chilling in my bed with my cat. goodnight…
01/07/2023 its been a while since i actually wrote something. i can confirm that i am in love with tre. i think im going to tell him tomorrow. so much about how i feel has changed. remember that photo i said my mom took of us on christmas? yeah, i made it my wallpaper on my phone and whenever i cant sleep, i just look at it and it makes me so happy. just something about his smile and the way his arm is around me. i think i know how i want to tell him. im going to wait until i drop him off from hanging out and just text him straight up saying i am in love with him. im scared. not because i think hes gonna reject me, but because im scared to commit to this. once i say those words, its either we end up as lovers, or our friendship is over altogether. what if i change my mind? is there a reason i didnt want to be with him that im forgetting? i guess well see. i have no choice but to let him know how i feel.
01/09/2023 i told him. last night. it was like 12 in the morning, and he wouldnt respond to me. he was already asleep. so i just said it, laid awake thinking about it for what felt like forever, then eventually fell asleep. i woke up at like six in the morning for some reason, checked my phone, and realized he texted me back at like three. “i love you too”. this cant be happening. in my sleepy daze, i said lets get married, and then fell back asleep. after waking up and realizing it wasnt a dream, im not entirely sure what happens now. its been over two yeats since i began a relationship with somebody, i wasnt sure how to do this. and i knew he wasnt either, because hes never had a girlfriend. do you think hell even know how to treat me? i guess well find out soon. we hung out today, but it was nothing different. just our normal driving around, going to target, driving around more, getting food, smoking some weed and then going home. im in bed now, ready to fall alseep and have nightmares about him breaking my heart.
01/11/2023 he kissed me. he fucking kissed me. i could tell that he was hesitant, he like leaned in, pulled away, and then leaned again. we made out a little, and then HE SAID HE LOVED ME. this cant be real. it feels like a dream. i am officially fully in love with this man. i feel like he will treat me good. i dont really have that much else to say. goodnight🥰
01/15/2023 ok guys i officially have a boyfriend! he asked me to be his girlfriend, but in the most “tre” way ever. we were driving around together, and he looks at me and goes “lets date”. i simply said okay! and that was that. he kissed me again when i dropped him off. it feels like my life is complete. i have everything i could ever want. i dont even think i need this journal anymore. matter of fact i think im going to throw it away.
As the darkness sank into her veins she felt the evil take her over. She was no longer the sweet, kind hearted girl he fell in love with. After he screwed her over too many times making her feel like she was inadequate, she was done. Enough was enough. The disrepsect became unbearable. After that fight, the one he didnt know would be their last, she started picking up her things that were scattered all over his room. “What are you doing?” he asked angrily. “I cant do this anymore. I deserve better.” She was halfway out the door before he had the chance to speak. It was killing her. But she wouldnt let it show. She had to be strong. “Baby, please. I promise Ill change,” the same lie spewed out of his mough as a frantic attempt to get her to stay. She wasnt buying it. Not this time. Holding back tears, she hesitantly walked to her car, not looking back as he trailed behind her, trying to convince her not to go. She got in the car. It was over. She blasted breakup songs the whole way home, finally letting out all the tears shes been holding in. Texts and calls from him flooded her phone. They read, “Please, we can work this out,” “I need you,” “Ill do anything.” He was too late. It was hard for her for the first couple months, but she soon realized that she would rather be alone than be with someone who made her feel less than what she was. She had found her peace. Once you leave, dont look back.
“you’d have to be an absolute fool to believe that!” my best friend ali says to me, looking at a text i got from my boyfriend. the text reads, “i promise ill never leave.” from both of our experience, that promise is never kept. by any man. “i dont know, i have a good feeling about him” i said to her. she laughed and we went on with our night. as the relationship progressed, my good feeling stuck around. he was the sweetest soul. he bought me flowers, all the cheesy relationship stuff you see in movies. i truly did believe him. but you know, nothing lasts forever. the guy i thought i knew, who always wanted to be around me, loved my presence and made me feel like the only girl in the world, turned into a face i could barely recognize. sitting through all of my work shifts with me turned to staying home and playing video games, the all night facetime calls turned to sleepless nights alone, and “i love clingy girls” slowly faded into “i need alone time”. why does this always happen to me? arguments became more frequent. i could feel him getting sick of me. next thing i know, i suffocate him. im too much. im too needy.  i still remember the first time he broke up with me. i was texting him at work, and he said something that hurt my feelings. we argued about it, until the words “we need to break up” appeared on my screen. i freaked out. left work immediately with a family emergency, and scream cried in my room begging him to stay. it was pathetic, the way i was begging. “ill change anything you want”. “tell me what i have to do”. “ill do anything”. the list goes on of the things i said to convince him to stay. he declined every call, and refused to meet up in person because he needed space. i felt like a little girl trapped in a 17 year olds body just wanting someone to love her. lets just say this exact scenario happened about ten more times. even though we are together now, one specific breakup sticks with me to this day. we saw the barbie movie together. on the way home, he dropped the bomb that he didnt want to call that night. being as sensitive as i am, that stung. i tried to argue it, but instead of him changing his mind, he broke up with me. i parked the car in front of his house and followed him into his yard, grabbing onto his hands begging him not to leave. there was a point where i had to just give up and go home. my best friend on the phone, “its okay d, youre going to be okay.” the words echo in my mind to this day. i was a fool to believe that.
take it from me, every guy should ALWAYS worry about the boy best friend, and every girl should worry about the boy best friend. because i was the girl best friend, and he was the boy best friend. i refused to believe we could be anything more, it never even crossed my mind. even after the eight months straight that we spent hanging out, the times we slept together in the back of his car, the “goodmorning” and “goodnight” texts. it meant nothing to me. not because i didnt care, but because i was oblivious. i continued to talk to other guys, unknowingly breaking his heart in the process. i went as far as bringing him along to hang out with these other guys, not thinking anything of it. until the day he told me. it was a story that lingers in the back of my mind, even over a year later. “i have to tell you something” a text from him lit up my phone as i was walking into school. it clicked. i knew what was going on now. how could i be so blind? it took him all day to say it with his chest, and i turned him down. the stupidest decision ive ever made, but i was scared to ruin the friendship. i loved him. so much. but not in the right way. until i did. one day it finally hit me. i was in love with him. i have no idea why it took me so long. “i am in love with you” i typed out on my phone immediately after getting home from hanging out with him. “i love you too” he said at 5 in the morning. our first kiss happened a few days later. not long after, he became my boyfriend. always watch out for the boy best friend.
just like that, it was over. the person i had spent seven months devoting myself to, giving everything i had, removed from my life. without a trace. without a trace, except the dead roses that lined my wall. he used to buy me flowers. when he loved me. rather than throwing them away when they died, i would hang then from a picture frame on my wall, so i could remember his love whenever i questioned it. after it was over, after i drove away from his house, tears flooding my eyes blurring the road that lied in front of me, the road that led me home to my dad, who carried me into the house. my dad, who saved me. my dad, every girls first love. my dad, who sat me at the kitchen table and reminded me of my worth. days and days went by where i would lay in my bed and stare, at the dead roses. the dead roses were mocking me. they haunted my room, yet i couldnt bring myself to get rid of them. i wanted to rip them from the wall and stomp on them, the way he stomped on my heart. but every time i got up to do so, i froze. i couldnt do it. i did this for days, until my dad came to my room with a trash bag and told me it was time. he watched me cry like a baby as i gently seperated the dead roses from the wall, rubbing my back and assuring me that i would make it. who knows where the dead roses are now, all i know is that they are no longer in my room.
life is full of misunderstandings. especially when youre like me, someone who cant express how they feel. i could say one thing, and mean something completely different and not even realize. i think this is why we fight so much. i think this is why it feels like he is starting to resent me. as days go by i can feel his love slipping away, silently. it started off subtle, the hugs getting shorter, he takes longer to respond. our sex life went downhill. he started being on his phone more when we were together. all the typical things a guy does when he falls out of love. how do you even address something like this? it feels like every time i adress a concern of mine, it becomes an argument. either i shouldnt feel a certain way, my opinion is outright wrong, or both. this is where the misunderstandings come into play. as somebody who gets very emotionally attached, its easy to overthink. when i overthink, i reach to him for reassurance. i guess he got tired of it over time, because i barely get any anymore. its as though he started interpreting my strong feelings as an inconvenience, a roadblock keeping him from peace. it kills me, yearning for the reassurance and getting nothing. but i cant he without him. i need him. i crave him. every time we are apart i wish he was holding me close, and lately i wish for that even when we are together. “please dont walk away” i say nearly biweekly after i express a need he doesnt want to meet. he looks straight through my eyes into my soul as he tells me this relationship is draining. i suffocate him. im exhausting. im too much. the list goes on. but little does he know im doing my best. this miscommunication has led to my world falling apart. i would rather die today, than watch him walk away. the misunderstanding that cost me my life.
he always overthought the idea of me getting pregnant. every time we would have sex, hes never pulled out. not once. i can see why it would freak him out, but ive had an IUD since i was 14, and im 18 now. i still have a year and a half left. it should be working. a year of unprotected sex almost every day with the same person without a second thought, you dont think it can happen to you. until it does. the symptoms came slowly. i didnt get my period, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. my IUD makes them irregular. i started getting sick every morning, but i thought it was just the anxiety of having yo go to school. i never liked school. he told me to take a test, i refused because i didnt want to face the fact that it could actually be happening. what would i tell my parents? how could i go to school like this? i still have at least 4 years of college ahead of me! i was terrified. but together, we went to the walgreens down the street from my house. we had to steal the test, which is just even more proof that we arent ready to be parents. would he even stay? a million thoughts rushed through my mind as i squatted over a plastic stick right in front of my high school boyfriend. a position i never thought i would be in. my crippling phobia of vomit doesnt help the situation, either. how would i take care of a sick child when i freak out if my boyfriend even mentions the word vomit. nothing about this situation was okay. we stared at the first line, anticipating the second. i didnt think it would actually show up, but there it was, a positive pregnancy test. right in front of my face. my mind raced, tears rushed out of my eyes as if they were running from something. he looked at me, terrified. “im right here. im not going anywhere. i promise.” he said as he held my lifeless body. i felt like a corpse. but with another living thing inside of me. the symptoms progressed over the next few months, and i still hadnt told my parents. what if they kicked me out? every possibility you could possibly imagine flooded my mind. it was all i thought about. 5 months in, it was time to come clean to my mom. tears filled my eyes as i handed her the positive test that i had been keeping in my underwear drawer this whole time. just like my boyfriend did, she held me. she was disappointed, but hid it very well. i knew she wanted to support me. the pregnancy was hard. but he was there for me through it all. satisfying every weird craving, holding my hair each morning before leaving me at home to go to work, as present as a father can be. then, it was time. one random night laying in bed watching netflix together, i felt it. my first contraction. not knowing what it was, i panicked and jumped out of bed. then my water broke. reality hit us like a brick as he was almost carrying me to the car. we were really going to be parents. it was the beginning of the rest of our lives.
i feel pathetic. why can i never leave? why does everyone leave me first? maybe im the problem. i thought i was just meeting bad people. but i guess its just me. thats the only answer i have left. maybe its because i fall too hard, cry too much, love too deeply. or maybe its my overthinking. the way i feel like he doesnt love me if his tone is off or if he says we spend too much time together. its normal too need space. but i interpret it different. and i cant stop. why am i so dependent on the people in my life?  i wish i could be happy alone like everyone else i know. just like he tells me i should. he shames me for not being happy when we are apart. he tells me its draining to have someone who cant be away from him. im suffocating. any words to make me feel like shit for the way my brain works, ive heard. yes, i know its my fault. i dont want to hear it. i allow my world to revolve around one person, and if something is off with them it ruins my entire day. trust me, ive tried to fix it. i make new friends, hang out with them. but all i find myself wanting to do is be with him. ive tried finding new hobbies. coloring, writing, picking up shifts at work, anything. nothing helps. this is why he left me. its also why he came back. he knows i will always be here. its why he keeps leaving me over and over. he knows i will never be able to accept the end of our relationship, and i will beg and plead for him to stay until he gives in. i wish i could go on a tangent about how he loves the attention i give him and stays because he knows im wrapped around his finger, but thats just not true. i know he loves me. its just, i love him more. and theres nothing that will change that. i love to a capacity that no other human being will ever be able to achieve. so leave me again, again, and again. i promise ill still be here, waiting for you to love me.
i think i just met the happiest person in the world!! she is the complete opposite of me. hair that shines instead of getting greasy after one day, a perfect button nose, flawless hourglass figrue and a forehead that isnt the first thing that people notice about here. but she wasnt only happy because of her looks. she had the perfect life. she is type of girl that makes me crazy.  her boyfriend treats her like nobody else in the world matters. getting her flowers weekly, taking her on dinner dates almost every weekend, and shows her off like a shiny trophy. something every girl wants, but only some can have. she is the most emotionally stable person youll meet, and knows how to keep her cool. above all, she knows her worth. yet another thing onlt a select few girls are able to do. she doesnt put up with anybodys shit, and isnt afraid to walk away if somebody does her wrong. me on the other hand, i dont know how to leave. im too scared. too scared to be on my own, too scared to not be loved by anyone. i would rather stay in a relationship in which i feel like shit than be alone. there isnt a single person on earth who hates her. her smile lights up a room and there is always a spotlight on her. she is the highlight of everyones day, and does no wrong. she is smart, calm, and collected everything every man dreams of. every boy wants her. but only one can have her. and he has her. and he is proud of her. not ashamed like some men are of their girlfriends, no. he cherishes her and makes sure she knows how lucky he is to have her. because he is lucky. the luckiest boy in the world. he knows how lucky he is to have the happiest girl in the world, which makes him the happiest boy in the world.  she knows no pain. she has never had to grieve the loss of someone who is still alive, because nobody wants to lose her in the first place. she has never had to stare at words being said to her through a screen thar cut her heart piece by piece, because nobody has anything mean to say about her.  i resent her for her perfectness. i hate the way she looks at me. looking at me like shes better than me, but who can blame her? she is better than me. there is nothing i can do except watch her life through pictures on social media and wish, pray every night that i was her.  i hate the way she walks the halls at school. like she owns them. but technically, she does. there is not one person who sees her and resents her for simply existing. except me. and i always will. i will hate her for having the life i want, and having all the things that i cant. see i used to be happy. but for anyone but her, it never lasts. happiness sticks around for a while, until it grows legs and walks away, leaving you with a heavy heart and feelings you cant explain. i know for a fact that everyone can relate to me. we all know the feeling of having something so damn important ripped out of your hands before you can think twice, all of us except her. her. her. her. i hate her. i hate me. i hate the people who hate me. i hate everything. i have everyone. maybe thats why im so unhappy, because my heart is filled with so much hatred and resentment for the things around me that i forget to appreciate. i apprecite my eyes. the deep hazel-brown that looks like caramel when the sun hits them the right way. i appreciate my empathy. the way i love people unconditionally because i know they need it, even if they dont deserve it. i appreciate my selfless ness. the way i am always going out of my way for others, even if they arent always grateful. i appreciate my inner child, the way i still love childish things even though some people may find it weird, i think it makes my heart pure. i think i change my answer. i am the happiest person in the world. even though my life isnt perfect. even though i have flaws. even though i have been through things that some people may say are indescribable. writing this has taught me to appreciate myself for who i am, and embrace it. i dont hate her anymore, i love her. i still think she is beautiful and kind, but i no longer resent her for it.
