I had only ever dreamt of a moment like this and now that it was here, it couldn't feel like anything but a dream. Some type of imagined fantasy, a daydream of heartbreak- these things I usually did to test the depth of my own emotions. It never feels the same when it comes to fruition. Maybe I'm manifesting self-fulfilling prophecies with these hypothetical situations, or maybe it was just finally time for this to happen. You inhale sharply through your nose and I catch myself doing the same, your heartbeat feels like it's pounding on the inside of my throat and I don't think I have the courage to admit to myself that it could be my own.

In another daydream, you called me down to the river and I didn't let fear hold me back from showing up. I'm still here. Hiding behind the tree's. I'm the eyes on your back, watching to see which way you turn. Here and now, your eyes refuse to turn to meet mine. It wasn't supposed to happen this way, where I show up early to the water. You're supposed to look back my way, crack a small grin and put a hand to my cheek to pull me in for a kiss. You're supposed to place a warm hand over my cold, nervous one and calm the shaking.

This is what's happened, I showed up by the river. The bubbling of the water running low over rocks and the chirps from crickets sound slow in the cold air. I am sitting in the mud with my end of dress pushing towards your shoes, the current will carry me away from all of this. You're sitting in the mud with your knees up, elbows resting upon your knees, head resting in your hand. You can't look my way and I can't look directly at you. There is no calm or warmth here.

You haven't said a word and I refuse to break the silence despite the arguments and fearful words building like a shoddy dam in my chest. You press a thumb against your lip and bite down, I follow suit with my hair hanging down so you can't see the mirror in my eyes. You don't want to see the reflection of you that I hold. Glass mirror eyes is what you called them. We both seem to pause in thought- inhale, then exhale together.

I had only ever dreamed of a moment like this. And to call it a dream would be generous, in truth it was a nightmare and I had never thought I'd ever be in this place. There was no point in turning this into a fight, a fight with an opponent no longer playing isn't much of a battle. If I'd had a knife with me I would have cut my words into wood instead of wishing to speak them to you. You, sat there with your lip red from being chewed on. You, sat there with your eyes filled with tears. You, sat there saying nothing.

However, in the nothingness came a knowing. It wasn't what either of us has intended to learn here by the river. I only came because you called for me, and you, the one who gave love to my name, only came to see me once more. You wanted to sit there until my heart broke, you wanted to sit until I know longer remembered I was here to say goodbye. I stayed because I wanted to hear you say those things. I stayed because I still meant those things and wanted a final memory of knowing you meant those things too.

What happened by the river is, you never got the courage to say anything at all. And I, who could only mirror what was given, never got the chance to say goodbye.