I never knew it could be this hard, I had said goodbye what felt like a thousands times to people, places, not once did it hurt as much as this.

There were so many things I could say. There are so many different ways to say goodbye and yet the only words that I could form in this moment was-

“Okay.”

No ‘see you soon’.

No ‘I love you’.

No ‘please don’t go’.

Just, okay.

And it’s better than the deafening silence that Leon responds with. The glint in his blue eyes tells enough. This isn’t anywhere near as painful for him as it is me.

Dear Luke, You are such a great guy, but i’m not a great girl. You are funny, sweet, kind, thoughtful and full of love and joy. I’m a broken human being who has hurt people over and over again. I love you so much, but you deserve someone that you can lean on all the time. I’m not that person. Luke, you deserve happiness and deserve the world and me being in your life isn’t helping you. Some part of my heart will always beat for you and love you. I will always remember your slightly crooked smile or those deep green eyes that I could stare at for hours. I will always remember the way you could always make me laugh when i’m stuck in my own twisted forest. I love you Luke with all of my heart, soul, and everything that I have. This so hard for me but if you love someone this much, you need to let them go. Goodbye Luke. I will always love you.

• Your broken ex…

It all came down to this moment. After weeks of contemplating, dreadful days and lonely nights, it hit her. She was either making the best decision of her life right now, finally some time to focus on herself, get a degree, attain some self love and respect, happiness and most importantly, peace. Or she could be making the worst decision, leaving him would mean losing everything , leaving him would mean public embarrassment as to why she did so, but most importantly, leaving him would be denying her undoubted love for him, it would be like a form of dismay. But she had decided. Trembling as she spoke, tears flowing down her red cheeks from crying all day and unto the park floor , where they first met, she decided to end it where it all began, finally she spoke “ I had a dream where we had to say goodbye, I don’t really know what it means but I think It was a sign from God. Goodbye my love, you’ll forever be my first love, but it has to end. I’m sorry” and those were the last words she said to him. They had no longer existed…

He was not sure what woke him. It couldn’t have been a noise as all he could hear around him was silence, a silence that instantly signified that something was wrong. He looked to his right, to the empty space beside him. He slowly slid his hand over, feeling the rumpled sheet, as a familiar scent, her scent, filled the air. Still warm. He blinked a few times, allowing his eyes to adjust to the bright sunlight filtering in through the thin curtain. He slowly sat up and looked around. He called for her. He waited, but no response came. Dread filled his stomach, rising up like bile. Somehow, in that very moment, he knew she was gone.

You never know. You never know when it’s the last time you walk on the streets of the city you grew up in. When, for the last time, you buy your favourite buns in that small bakery around the corner that always smells of cardamom and anise. When you get that flat white that tastes of fresh bread and walnut from a barista who doesn’t even ask your order anymore. When you visit that one place with tall street lights right across the theatre you used to visit a lot when you were a kid. You never know when it’s the last time you see your elders. When you drink that last cup of tea with milk, sitting across your grandma. She was always stubborn, know-it-all, and annoying, but now you miss her. You never know when it’s the last time you see your parents. One morning, you go to school, angry with your dad over a small thing - I think he asked you to wear a sweater because it was cold outside - and in the evening, your mom tells you he died at work from a stroke. He wasn’t the best dad, however, you still miss him and wonder what could’ve been if only he stayed alive and saw you through your teen years to the adulthood. As for mom, one day, you go together for a trip to Prague, and the next day you pack your suitcases to leave to the US for good. Then, a couple years later, you leave the US to move to Canada, for good also. She visits you six years later in Canada, and you can’t help but wonder if it was the last time this time. You never know when it’s the last time of this. You never know when it’s the last time of that. You never know when it’s the last time. You. Never. Know.

The Moment I had to entere the plane, the moment I sat down on my seat, looked out of the window, in exact that moment I realised what my heart was trying telling me. “I can’t leave her, my true love, the only person, who could make me feel worth something” Just for a few seconds I saw her, my light, my hope, my love, standing outside waving goodbye with tears in her eyes. My heart skipped some beats, as I could saw her sweet little smile. My very first tear since ages rolled down my wine red cheek. “Marie?” Immidiently I stood up, running to the enter. I had to get out of here. I had to be with her. Now and forever. But someone was holding me back. „Now it‘s too late. She isn’t here anymore”, a voice in my head telling me. Again I looked out of the window, but nothing. There was simply nothing. No light, no hope, no love, nothing without her. Aggressively I punched against the window. Sharbs were making my bloody hand shaking, my head was turning red, my heart started pulsing, crying out loud for help. As I woke up in the hospital again. Faced to the reality. „Sir, stop! She is dead, there’s nothing you could have changed. You had to go. Now please, let her go. Let her go were she belongs to now. Live your life for as long as you can, you never know what could happen.

« You’re just part of a game and I’m part of a reality. This is a Goodbye »

Such a brutal yet pragmatic statement that cannot be forgotten.

How did we arrive to such a stage of fate ?….

—————

She looked at me with endearing eyes and a questionable demeanor.

“What is it about me that you love so much ?”

Her voice sounded low like the waving of the sea. If it was describable, I would compare it to honey that hasn’t been savoured yet enticing to the sight.

At that time, i couldn’t help it. My heart was flying in other enigmatic dimensions. I had to gaze away to avoid exceeding the line that she’d set between her and me. How unsettling

“….”

I couldn’t answer, it felt like opening my mouth to say something would amount to me commiting a sinful act against love nature. If there was something such as a pendulum that keeps ticking louder and louder then that would be myself.

«Answer me, I want answers. Not silence”

Yes, she has bought me back to earth before my soul reached cloud nine. I am grateful but ungrateful at the same. It would have just been the best for the both of us if I were to loose consciousness on the spot. Does the kind of feeling actually exist ?

«Look away then»

Out of all answers I could possibly come up with, this was my top pick when I was in such a vulnerable state.

In my surprise, she looks away and —I took advantage of that.

I slide my hand on her cheek and lean towards her ear whispering slowly.

“I can’t really give you a reason. All I can say is that I’m drawn to your soul”

Have I become a poet ? I never knew that love could bring out something that I never knew was in me.

Her cheek was slighty burning, her lips were lightly trembling, her eyes in confusion looking at my direction.

Hmm—I want to see that expression again, again and again. Using the word “adorable” would be such an understatement of the memory my mind is currently capturing.

I place a gentle yet passionate kiss on her ear knowing that this might challenge that boundary. I’ve definitely lost it——-

«I want you to be mine, there is no point hiding it anymore. Don’t you agree ?»

I was the one who couldn’t utter any word a few seconds again. It’s now her turn. Role swap but with a sweet twist.

The setting was there at the right frequency and at the right time. The sun was illuminating both of our faces. The sand was warm at our feet and the sea…she was humming wonders in our senses. The cherry at the top was her mere presence leaving kisses to my soul.

I lean in the more but towards her face this time. Should I go for a kiss on her cheek now ?—

«U-uh»

She place her hand on my mouth and her face seems to have travelled from the realm of a beach of peaches to an island of apple trees.

I chuckle almost on the verge of laughing a melody of pure happiness. She also couldn’t resist the temptation and an unwanted smile merged at the side of her lips.

«Don’t you know what this means ?..» she mutters with glitters on her eyes

"I know what it means~”

I respond with a warm smile on my face even the wind responded to such expression. The expression of a man who could die of happiness.

——————

The “me” of that time would have never thought that our destiny would part away like that.

“Don’t leave …please…Ruby—-don’t do this me …”

When was the last time my heart bumped this tremendously ? Breathing has become hard and standing almost impossible.

The image that was set before me was like a stoic paper performing the unnatural such as being teared apart with no force exerting on it. Her whole body was disappearing in flakes of a yellowish shine and she offered me her most sincere smile yet full of sorrow and melancholy. Her tears themselves displayed a sense of grief that couldn’t be consolated.

The setting was the same but what changed exactly ? It looks desolate and out of his natural order of contentment—-

She was half, just her other half was left and i couldn’t do anything to exert dominion over the situation. I am helpless——she was helpless too but why was she looking at me at though this situation was the best answer for our circumstances ?——Circumstances you say ? Do I actually exist ?

“I’ll miss you Raphael….”

These were her last words.

You might be wondering what I was feeling at that time….I have no idea—-and I would never want to know.

—-END—

The moment I stepped off the train and felt the weight of Boston's Humid summer air, I knew coming back here was a mistake.

En un pasado que recuerdo muy bien, mi respuesta sería un rotundo "no". No lo hubiera aceptado, no hubiera concebido la idea que ahora vivía en mi cabeza con mi permiso. Era duro, como un golpe imprevisto en la sien, pero tenía que. Algunos me extrañarían, otros festejarían, pero había algo seguro: jamás olvidaría este capítulo.

El ángel caído y el guardián de la oscuridad