He’s never looked at me this way before.

I haven’t seen him in a year and I’m still head over heals. But this time, I think he is too.

There’s something different about him. A good different. He’s polite and caring. His mannerisms have gone from high school boy to man. He pays attention when someone speaks as if each word is piercing his heart. I think I can get used to this.

Every month our families host a game night together. I’ve only been to a few because i’ve been off at college, but Andy hasn’t been able to make a single one.

So, a year later he finally shows up unannounced and I’m left speechless.

My mom reads something off a card and everyone bursts into laughter.

“Sounds like something Jenna would do”, Andy mocks and gives me a wink. I shove him and awkwardly giggle at the truth behind his statement.

I’ve always been an extremely nervous person. I noticed it during my early years of high school. I would always feel afraid or upset or uncomfortable no matter what I was doing. It felt like a beehive was in my stomach on a constant loop and I didn’t know if it was just me or everyone else felt like their head was about to explode too. Until finally, my doctor told me I had an anxiety disorder.

I’ve never been a fan of surprises because of it, so It’s about right that I’ve been fidgeting and sweating since I saw those deep brown eyes meet mine.

When the games are over, the parents head outside to start a bonfire with the help of the younger kids. I sneak upstairs to the bathroom for a moment to take in everything that’s been going on. The mirror shows the reflection of a young woman whose had a little bit to drink, but the pain in my eyes conveys that everyone can tell I’m in shock.

I walk out of the bathroom feeling a sort of relief and I’m ready to take on more social interaction when I see Andy waiting by the opening of his room...which I have to pass in order to get back downstairs.

“Hey”, I mutter, shuffling and reshuffling the ring on my left pointer finger.

“Hey. It’s been a while huh. You look...amazing. I missed you.” His last sentence lingers on his lips and in my mind. He missed me? Does that mean he actually cared about me? About what I said?

The last interaction we had was a snapchat where I confessed I was in love with him on a stupid drunk dare and he left me on open. That was a month ago.

“You look pretty good yourself. Your girlfriend is one lucky gal.” Shit. I did not just say that. What the hell Jenna?! The fidgeting has gone from my ring to a string on my shirt and now my palms feel sweaty again.

“Yeah if only I had one. I would but see I can’t get this other girl out of my head.” I’m pretty sure by this point I’m chewing all the skin off the inside of my cheek.

“Jenna...I know It’s been a year and I know we were like brother and sister but-“

“don’t”, I whisper because that’s as loud as I can make sound come out of my mouth at this moment.

“but I’ve been in love with you for years Jenna. I left here in love with you and I tried to get over it but here I am and I’m still dying inside”. I stare in his eyes unable to speak or move for what seems like hours. I wanna be anywhere but here. He’s said the words I wanted him to say since the day we met but now that they’re out I just want to scream.

He lifts his arm and brushes my hair out of my face. So warm and strong. I could melt into these hands.

He leans in closer, and I panic. I feel the beehive come to life in my stomach, aching to be set free. Oh no.

His lips are moments away from touching mine and all of a sudden my feet are racing forward past his room and the movie room, past the picture frames of him and his sister as babies, all the way down the stairs until I’ve slammed the back door behind me.

I bend down to catch my breath and all I can think is...

Damn anxiety disorder. What the hell did you just do?