Hummingbird
Hummmmmmmmmm
A hummingbird appeared
in the courtyard, when my
aunt Keri was about to die.
It landed on each of us and
Then flew inside.
Hummmmmmmmmmm
Keri was pure and kind.
She loved grapefruits.
She loved how sweet they were.
How ironic.
Hummmmmmmmmmm
They don’t tell you how when
You have a close extended
Family you feel the weight
Of a loss in ripples.
Their grief pulses and collides
and amplifies in your chest.
Theirs becomes yours too.
Fast and frantic and
Unseen like a hummingbird’s wings.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmm
I am sad but
Do I feel as sad as them?
Do I feel as bad as them?
I grieve a mother figure but
I don’t grieve a mother like them.
A sister like them.
A spouse like them.
A daughter like them.
So I grieve for them but
Where do I sit in the hierarchy?
Am I allowed to be sad too?
Hummmmmmmmmmmmm
My grief skips rocks but
They grieve in boulders.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmm
Why didn’t they include me,
When they scattered her ashes at
The grapefruit tree?
When they see pink flowers,
Why don’t they think of me?
If we don’t share the weight of this loss equally,
Are we still a family?
Hummmmmmmmmmmmm
Seriously
Don’t they know that
Since she’s been gone
I’ve never cried so hysterically?
Hummmmmmmmmmmmm
But she’s their mom so
I make munchies and charcuterie
in her name.
I eagerly listen and try
To say the right thing, bring
Her up and when needed I
Change the channel for them
Searching for a show not about
Loss or cancer or mothers and
daughters. A surprisingly difficult
Task considering our insatiable
Craving for death.
I listen to my cousin’s grief podcast.
I write this poem and feel guilty.
I speak at the service
Careful in my speech not to exaggerate our closeness.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmm
My grief can only exist in crevices.
I am wine poured into a jar of sand.
What a vulnerable, truthful poem….I felt this. When my grandfather passed away, I had many of these same feelings. I saw my aunt and uncles (his children) and my grandmother be sad. I felt like I shouldn’t feel as sad as them. But know you are entitled to your grief and your feelings. There is no wrong way to grieve. 🖤
Thank you 💜 💜yeah I feel like we don’t ever talk about how to navigate grief hierarchy, and how much emotional energy it takes to stay in your lane and prioritize others’ grief over your own. It’s 100% true that some people’s grief is bigger than others AND true that everyone’s grief is valid. But it’s hard to hold both of these truths at once. Glad I’m not alone in this feeling 💜