I always hated drunk drivers, alcoholics in general. Yet I still drink, maybe it’s the “no turning back” motto that does it or the alcohol that makes me forget the pain I caused.

The deal with alcoholics and drunk drivers is that they ruin everyone’s lives. Their own and the people around them and for what? To forget the pain in your life? Drinking won’t take that pain away. You’ll forget it, only for a second before it comes rushing back within a millisecond.

Drunks drivers I despise more, I should know since I was one.

I find it funny when the driver survives and everyone else didn’t, how is that fair? It’s not.

I live with that guilt.

I killed my ex-girlfriend. Some people telling it’s not my fault and blame the alcohol. I don’t.

And they shouldn’t either, the irony is that after that they’ll just drink more and more, until they lose themselves just like the passenger lost their life.

Because of my stupid decisions, Starr lost her life and I didn’t. I thought what everyone else in town did. How is HE alive? WHY is he alive? How can he live with himself? And I can’t.

I ruined her life, I ENDED her life because of my poor decisions. What if I hadn’t listen to my friends that night? What if I just stayed home and ate ice cream like normal people do after a breakup?

She would still be here taking pictures of dogs in the park, me getting a brain freeze on her double scoop of rocky road ice cream with toppings she put on herself.

She even got accepted NYU, her dream school, same school I applied for as well. She got in and I got waitlisted and after she died that spot went to me.

It’s like karma is laughing at me, I don’t even believe in it since Starr was always a sweet person, who, of course had her flaws. I’m not sure what to believe anymore.

My mom told me that God takes the wrong people sometimes and that’s it’s not my fault. How can it not be my fault? It’s literally everyone’s fault to them but mine! The people in town know it and so do I. They remind every time when they throw things at my house. A rock, a brick, even shit before.

After her death I never reached out to her family, how can I? But how can I not? Her sister constantly tries to invite me over for dinner but her parents don’t want to see me.

Why the hell would they? I just don’t understand why everyone doesn’t hate me, I ended Starr’s life and I took everything from her. Everything she earned was given to me.

I’m just a sad pathetic loser who dropped out. I’m the reason why there’s another Angel in the sky, why the sky lost a Starr, why she won’t ever smile again.

I became a loser. A drunk. A murderer. I turned into the thing I hate the most.

I wish I could take everything back, I wish I could just hold her one more time or even just see her or hear her laugh. Not her cries for my name, not her coughing up blood, or saying that she loves me, or telling me about her dreams.

The life she PICTURED.

The same one I ended.