STORY STARTER
Submitted by Celaid Degante
Leaving
Write about a character leaving something, or someone, they love.
Unsettled
I could sit here and complain about all your imperfections
I'm sure someone would listen
It's time to see things from your point of view
Your life was completely depressing
Fight or flight mode- always stressing
Alcoholism, drug addiction & undiagnosed mental conditions.
Long days and nights she'll spend alone
Trying to find security In comes Mr wonderful
Now she'll welcome a new lover- unlike any other
Say hello to substance abuse
Man, she loved getting high
So much time has passed still a child inside
Her Religion, she hides within.
Insanities, she now speaks as true.
Unable to help herself
abandoned by all those she knew
She should have been better
She should have fought harder
But why all these expectations?
More education
More empathy
More direction
Her eyes full of shame
Hardened by a life full of trauma
Unable to apologize
It may bring on unsettling reality
Hide behind the insanity
4 separated children
Who carry the burden
In life, They'll never feel "normal"
Mental health is real
It's not a mask people put on just to hide behind!
It's the skin they're forced to wear
And the battles are always strong within
Save your judgement for your reflection
Easy to say what should have been done
But they didn't choose this sickness
Our fucking System isn't working
Easy to say what should have been done
But they didn't choose this sickness
Our fucking System isn't working
Same old comments about how she just
Didn't accept help when it was given
Interesting concept?
One way of doing things trap them in a box designed to fit all
expect everyone to adhere to the broken systems treatment
New ways need to begin
Time to stop judging and try to understand
How can they be fully accountable
Society has failed the ones who needed help
It's not a give me a dollar I'm homeless help
It's a help me find a way out of this hole I've built help.
We need Better knowledge, more funding and patience for people
type of help.
They're victims to a vicious self isolating system
if we don't find away to help.
Society too
will tell you to move on from them
What a fate to bear "alone"
I'm sorry Mom.
This poem does a great job of exploring a difficult idea: the struggles of someone with mental health issues and how society's systems fail them. The poem successfully moves from the narrator's initial observations to the narrator's experience, and finally to an understanding of what needs to change.
One suggestion for improvement would be to give the poem a stronger structure. Consider breaking up the longer lines into shorter lines with different lengths and rhyme schemes that could provide more variety and dynamism in the poem. Additionally, revisiting some of the lines could make them more compelling, such as replacing the line "Interesting concept?" with something that more clearly conveys the narrator's ideas about the broken system.
Your last stanza needs some work; it's quite unclear who the speaker is addressing or what the point is. Rewrite this section to make it clear who is speaking and what message they’re trying to get across.
With a few tweaks, it could become an even more impressive piece of writing.
