2

I am fresh, for her attention I yearn

A mother that’s sharp

My heart starts to feel the burn

Of outstretched hands, cold and untouched

Nurture washed out by drugs, affection that’s rushed

I get small tastes of kindness

A smile, a kiss

Though I do not know her love

It’s still something I miss

5

And alone

The picture I draw is called ‘home’

She won’t put it on the fridge

So in the bin it goes

I have learnt that silence

Is rewarded with her hug goodnight

So I hold my breath when she passes, and pray she holds me tonight

Maybe if I cry she’ll feel bad I’m upset

I wake up tired and alone on a pillow that’s wet

I get small tastes of kindness

A laugh, a hug

Though it seems forced and fake

It still gives my heart a tug

7

And smarter

I’ve learned mummy is like me

Chasing after someone who doesn’t want her

Changing to make him happy

She gets small tastes of kindness

His time and his money

The words that sting like acid are coated in honey

Why can’t she see he doesn’t love her?

Can’t she tell from how he holds her?

But I am glad that he hurt her

Because she cries on my shoulder

I get small tastes of kindness

More hugs as it gets colder

I can’t help but hope she’ll love me more when I’m older

12

And in high school, I read her my grades out loud

I cross my fingers and look up, hoping she’ll be proud

But she’s staring out the window

Her eyes are clouded over

I run up to my room

I pray that mummy gets sober

Why doesn’t she listen?

Why doesn’t she care?

My friend’s mothers hold them

Everything seems so unfair

I’ve started to wonder

Is it even worth it to try?

But she doesn’t even talk to me

So I keep wondering why

My small tastes of kindness

Are getting smaller and smaller

If ‘mother’ means love

Is ‘mother’ something I should call her?

16

My bags are packed, but still feel empty

The whole house is quiet, the silence still tempts me

I know silence is rewarded with the hope of her touch

Since being 5, I’ve learnt it shouldn’t mean that much

When it comes from someone who barely keeps you alive

Her small tastes of kindness are no longer enough to survive

I deserved to be loved

And that’s not the way things were

So I’m going to find love

In a world without her

As I walk out the door, I sense her breath on my shoulder

I know she is sad but I resist the urge to hold her

Kindness and love is something a mother should teach

But from a little girl her love has always been just out of reach

As I walk out the door I feel something set free

It’s that 2 year old girl, she’s coming with me