2 I am fresh, for her attention I yearn A mother that’s sharp My heart starts to feel the burn Of outstretched hands, cold and untouched Nurture washed out by drugs, affection that’s rushed I get small tastes of kindness A smile, a kiss Though I do not know her love It’s still something I miss 5 And alone The picture I draw is called ‘home’ She won’t put it on the fridge So in the bin it goes I have learnt that silence Is rewarded with her hug goodnight So I hold my breath when she passes, and pray she holds me tonight Maybe if I cry she’ll feel bad I’m upset I wake up tired and alone on a pillow that’s wet I get small tastes of kindness A laugh, a hug Though it seems forced and fake It still gives my heart a tug 7 And smarter I’ve learned mummy is like me Chasing after someone who doesn’t want her Changing to make him happy She gets small tastes of kindness His time and his money The words that sting like acid are coated in honey Why can’t she see he doesn’t love her? Can’t she tell from how he holds her? But I am glad that he hurt her Because she cries on my shoulder I get small tastes of kindness More hugs as it gets colder I can’t help but hope she’ll love me more when I’m older 12 And in high school, I read her my grades out loud I cross my fingers and look up, hoping she’ll be proud But she’s staring out the window Her eyes are clouded over I run up to my room I pray that mummy gets sober Why doesn’t she listen? Why doesn’t she care? My friend’s mothers hold them Everything seems so unfair I’ve started to wonder Is it even worth it to try? But she doesn’t even talk to me So I keep wondering why My small tastes of kindness Are getting smaller and smaller If ‘mother’ means love Is ‘mother’ something I should call her? 16 My bags are packed, but still feel empty The whole house is quiet, the silence still tempts me I know silence is rewarded with the hope of her touch Since being 5, I’ve learnt it shouldn’t mean that much When it comes from someone who barely keeps you alive Her small tastes of kindness are no longer enough to survive I deserved to be loved And that’s not the way things were So I’m going to find love In a world without her As I walk out the door, I sense her breath on my shoulder I know she is sad but I resist the urge to hold her Kindness and love is something a mother should teach But from a little girl her love has always been just out of reach As I walk out the door I feel something set free It’s that 2 year old girl, she’s coming with me