When you died,

I didn’t feel sad, maybe indifferent?

There was this child ignorance

of the permanence of death

You drifted out of my life

trying to get better

It never worked

I thought it was like that

It wasn’t.

I didn’t grieve you

not in the traditional sense

I grieved through other people

I saw your absence through the tears

of my mom

of my grandparents

of my aunts and uncles

As time passes,

I find myself grieving

in a more personal way

I grieve through myself

I see your absence through events

that you should’ve been at

Support that I should’ve gotten

Father Days that we should’ve celebrated

I didn’t expect this

I thought I was done grieving

But maybe you don’t ever stop

You just continue living

with the grief as it changes shape

until it is just there

A constant buzz in my ears

Present but not ever consuming.