Death is never a good thing, even when it is welcomed. Tears are still shed, and thoughts still hurt. We expect it to come, and know that sometimes it’s just knocking at our door. It’s never easy, even when we want it to be.

I had been through everything with her. Sleepless nights as we both tried to calm the other, it’s the result of two friends who both had toxic minds. We spent weekends together for many years, where we would message boys we liked, then forget all about it the next day. Our days were filled with constant messaging to discuss the latest events in each other’s life and the world. We were in no pet new to the idea of hurt.

Not even a year earlier, I watched as she slowly withered away with her grandmothers death. For weeks, her smile was gone, her laugh sounded off, and no one felt like being around her any longer. Soon she came out, it was like a slump that we no longer talked about. Her smile returned and the laugh that we grew to love made a new appearance. Nothing can prepare you for seeing your best friend absolutely lifeless. It was merely practice in the events that was to haunt me forever.

Hearing of her grandfathers death was another event, he was old, and smoked and drank everyday. I didn’t know him personally, but knowing his lifestyle didn’t surprise me of the event. It was four days before I saw her. I can’t even recall seeing her at the funeral, which I briefly stopped by to see her, see any light. Days without any contact with her. It was scary, knowing someone else was dead, but also wondering if she was too. When I finally saw her, she was different. There was nothing left of her, her eyes seemed to lose all color. This time was different, she had nothing to smile or laugh for. I thought when I was looking at her, she was the dead one.