Hey 👋🏼
A suggestion to tighten this up—if I may 🙂
It would be cool to drop the “Yelled the policeman”
I say this because I can see that it is being shouted (you are using caps). Adding “Yelled” is repeating information (unnecessarily). Also, you’re using more than one ‘tense’ (past and present). Most of it is in the present, so perhaps try that?
Maybe try:
"HEY, STOP RIGHT THERE!"
‘The policemen points his gun at the 13 year
old, who appears to be half awake.’
(I’m not sure that repeating “she wipes her eyes” adds to the scene…so I suggest leaving the first one out)
“She is a black girl, with corn rolls in her hair. She wipes her eyes and can see the red, blue and red flashing lights. It’s blurry. She sees guns being pointed at her, and begins to panic.
(I think “red and blue” is just fine)
“She is a black girl”: I thought about the relevance of her skin colour…
Some might prefer that you describe her skin (show us that she is black, rather than tell us) BUT there is something very direct about this description, that I liked. Fearless.
Because you’ve emphasised her colour—in this context, you seem to be telling me there’s another story there, and that her skin colour is relevant to that story. Great curiosity stirrer!
"Don't you move" said the policeman.
Aku stands still, looking at them. She begins to growl.
I am going to come towards you, so don't move.
Aku’s hands begin to crackle and morph. Her veins move under her skin like earthworms.”
(Again, I changed this slightly because of the tense etc, but I ‘loved’ the image of worms under her skin!)
In a stressed situation like this, perhaps we’d write about her heightened emotions, but I like the physical descriptions, ie the ‘pumping veins’ like “earthworms” (which reflect stress emotion).
My curiosity peaked when you introduced this element…
“She growls louder, showing her sharp teeth and dark eves.(eyes?)”
(It made me think ‘what genre is this? It started off ‘very real’, then seemed to take a turn toward fantasy?—Using words like ‘crackle and morph’ probably did it for me. 👏🏼
Was she simply sleep-walking? What’s with the flashing lights? And why does she have sharp teeth? 😂 SoOooo many questions—I wish the piece was longer!
“A gun pops off Aku runs in the back(y)ard of her next door neighbor.”
First piece posted!—Well done! and welcome to The Daily Prompt! 😀Thanks for posting.🙌🏼
