I’m finally free. I’m free to do what I want, I can eat whenever I please and whatever I’m craving. I’m no longer shackled to anybody. I am my own person.

so why do i feel so empty?

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why do i feel like i have no purpose?

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I push these thoughts aside, storing them in a box and dragging them far, far away. Maybe dig a hole and throw them in. I am no longer anybody’s experiment and I should be happy.

so why aren’t i happy?

i make these unruly claims with no evidence.

__ Anything is better than that, being forced to undergo torturous experiments. And for what? Being shackled to a chair, being fed food laced with little bits of poison, trapped in a building crawling with guards, lest anybody sneak in and kill me. And for who?

Maybe death would have been better. Maybe in death I would have free will. Maybe. 9 years I spent locked in that hell hole. Traded between foster parents like a toy. Before they eventually gave me away. After they decided I could never be like a daughter. After they decided I shouldn’t be forced upon anyone else. “We can’t ruin anybody else’s life like you’ve ruined ours.” I was 9 when I was given to the lab. I was 13 when they decided to stop treating me like a human. 15 when they started torture. 18 when they finally gave me my freedom. 18 when I was tossed onto the street like a rag doll with nowhere to go.

So I sit here today. Underneath a bridge. Pigeons my only companions. With nothing to do except wait for deaths cold embrace.

I remeber they would try to see how far they could push me before I felt pain. They got tasers and put them to the highest setting. To see if I could withstand it. ** **I remeber they would try to force my mind to escape. To jump somewhere else. To leave my body. They would see how long I could stay away for. They prodded my body, whilst I watched. They got whips and beat my body. Just to see if I could still feel it. They starved me. Trying to see how long my body could survive for. They starved me for days.

But yet I feel nothing now. I feel no overwhelming emotions. I feel an absence. I feel a dark abyss where my feelings should be. I feel nothing but pain. A dull throbbing on the edge of my consciousness. Night without moon. A star without planets. A home without a person. I am an ocean filled with nothing but pain. I learnt to throw my wishes away long ago. But today I wish for one thing. I wish for release. Whatever that may be. Whatever it includes. I wish for release.