[TW - Suicide]
The wind blows my hair. I’m standing on the edge again. The waves crash against the cliff beneath me, the roaring sound almost drowning the thoughts in my head. Almost. The suns rays warm my skin as it drips below the horizon. Just when I’m giving up does the sun finally shine on my world. The universe has a sick sense of humour. I take another step closer to the edge, my heart beating furiously. I lean over and look at the sea beating the cliff face. The wind whips at my face, chastising me for the decision I’m about to make. But I can’t deal with my thoughts anymore. The drugs prescribed to me don’t ease the pain. Nothing does. And I can’t do this anymore. Two more steps and I will meet my fate at the rocky bottom. Just one more. One more and it’s over. I’ve made my decision. My heart leaps into my throat as I barrel through the air.
It’s over quickly.
[Suicide is an extremely delicate matter, and I hope to have dealt with it respectfully in this writing, but anybody struggling with their mental health, please know there will always be somebody you can talk to. You are worth more than this, never forget that ❤️]
Gay marriage was made legal in 2015. Women were allowed the right to vote in 1918. Black people were sold as slaves up until 1808. Hitler killed countless souls based on their beliefs. Disabled people have been targeted for centuries.
Together we could be more. We could be better. We could be form something unimaginable.
Yet we don’t. Because of looks. Beliefs.
What the fuck is wrong with the human race?
The scars on our hearts, Serve as a reminder. That love will come with a cost. Will you pay that cost?
Will you try to heal the scars? the scars will never heal Or will you carry on, ignoring the pain? i deserve the pain
Will you bandage them? Will you try to stitch it together? Will you add an ointment? Or will you let it bleed…
Will you convince yourself you deserve it? i deserve it Will you give up. i should give up
You are better. The smile taped on will become real eventually. Don’t give up, If not for yourself, then for me.
You need to learn how much you mean to those round about you.
The smell of vomit inches up my nose as the partygoers mill around in my house. The party ended almost two hours ago, but nobody’s left. Milly leaves the small utility room looking shaken, she glances in my direction and gives me a pained smile, just as a policeman gestures for me to follow him.
I trail after him, stepping over a puddle of sick, into the same room Milly just left. I sit down on an upturned basket, each hand caressing the other. My heartbeats are fast and loud, the erratic beats doing nothing to ease my anxiety. “This was your party?” The policeman asks, with a sympathy that surprises me. I glance up at him, “Yeah,” the words come out as a whisper. “Your parents know ‘bout it?” his eyes meet mine. “They were both on a work trip.” I break eye contact and look at my shoes, “Do you think we have to tell them?” He sighs, and looks at the tumble dryer, “This just isn’t something that can be hidden.” His sincerity is disarming. I look up, he can’t be much older than I am, 5 years age difference. Max. He’s a handsome guy. Defined jawline, fluffy brown hair, pretty brown eyebrows rest above pretty green eyes. Yes, handsome guy. “We need a list of everybody who came here. Right now, they’re all suspects.” The trance is broken. “I invited a few people I know, but it spiralled out of control, there’s a lot of people who I only recognise by face. A few people I’ve never seen.” I try to meet his eyes, but they remain firmly on the wall behind me. His eyes flick down to mine, before flitting away. He licks his lips, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in his throat. I lean forward and stroke his knee. He looks down, shocked, but doesnt stop it. I get a little braver, scooting my hand up his thigh. He takes my hand and I lead him into the cold night air.
I drag him to the side of the house, where nobody will see us. I press my lips against his, putting my arms around his neck. He doesn’t move, doesn’t react, just stands there. Until I feel him push against me, push me away. “No, Jesus, what am I doing? I shouldn’t do this somebody was murdered, don’t you understand? Somebody was killed inside your house,” he looks me in the eyes, “This is my first case and instead of solving it I’m here with one of our suspects. Do you not understand how stressed I am?” His chest is heaving, he’s just venting now. “I need to get back in there,” he turns away and leans against the wall, closing his eyes. That’s a shame. I was hoping to have some fun before I realised I was missing my soul. I reach my hands to his neck slowly. He turns around to face me, just as I reach for his throat. In one practised move his neck is snapped. His body crumples to the ground. The after party, I realise, is just getting started…
04/02/25
Today I woke up and I decided I was going to be a better person than yesterday. So I got out of bed, put on clothes, and left the house. I carried a bag of food with me, and walked to the nearest food shelter to donate it. I collected some old toys and clothes and gave them to a local charity shop. I gave 10% of my earnings this month to 3 lesser charities. But yet I fall asleep with the same feeling as yesterday.
08/02/25
Today I woke up and decided I would be better to the people closest to me. So I went to the florist and bought flowers for my girlfriend. I love her more than anything and she loves me, ‘No matter my faults,’ but I shan’t exclude her. I gifted her the flowers and got the bus to my parents house. I cooked lunch for them and we ate it in the conservatory like we used to many years ago. I sent a message to my sister telling her I would send a gift to her house. But yet I fall asleep with the same feeling as yesterday.
13/02/25
Today I woke up and decided I would try to be better to the people I pass on the street and in shops. So when I passed people on the street I said, ‘Excuse me,’ and, ‘Sorry,’ with a smile plastered onto my face. When I bought my groceries I made small talk with the cashier and thanked her. I smiled at the people I saw in the street. But yet I fall asleep with the same feeling as yesterday.
26/02/25
Today I woke up and realised I don’t care about anyone but my girlfriend. So we went out for a fancy breakfast, then to the casino. With our earnings we went out to get some food which we brought to my house to eat. We had our dinner before making our way to the nightclub where we spent the larger part of our teenage years. And I fall asleep with a slightly different feeling from yesterday.
18/03/25
Today I woke up in the middle of the night, by a phone call. When I answered I was told my girlfriend was in the hospital. And likely wouldn’t make it out.
22/03/25
Today I woke up in a chair stuck unceremoniously in the corner of the room. I stared at my still sleeping girlfriend, tuning out the beeps of the heart monitor. The smell of death and antiseptic find their way up my nose. I fall asleep with an agony so potent I fear I’m going to burst.
28/03/25
Today I woke up. But she didn’t. They convinced me to go home. And I don’t know why I listened. Shes gone because of me. The hospital staff told me they were sorry. They did everything they could.
Screw them.
31/03/25
Today the hospital went up in flames. Yesterday the doctor surgery. Tomorrow the town. I heard the people scream as they tried to escape. But if they couldn’t save my girlfriend. Why should I save them? I fall asleep with a sense of fulfilment.
Skin like porcelain, Hair like silk, Eyes bright and clear, Thick, black lashes.
All cover a broken inside, Smashed porcelain Glassy eyes Is how I see myself.
The skin of an imposter Is like a bandage To ensure my bleeding heart, Is only bleeding on the inside.
My heart sobs, My mind reels, But this perfect body, Makes sure nobody will ever know.
Only when I’m alone, Do I finally shatter. The pretty surface breaking open, To reveal an ugly inside.
Only when I’m alone, Do I allow my punctured cracked lips to stop smiling. Only when I’m alone, Do I allow my heart to burst. To reveal what’s beneath the surface.
The roses you bought me are starting to droop. It’s the early hours of February 15th, you brought me them yesterday afternoon. I put them in my Nanas old vase, filled with water, almost immediately. They shouldn’t be dying yet. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Less than 12 hours, and already they’re leaving.
The roses you bought me are wilting. The red petals are curling in on themselves, and I don’t know why. I changed the water. I added flower food. I cut the stems. But nothing is working.
The roses you bought me are withering away. The petals are changing colours. Many have decided to vacate into the water,. The leaves are turning brown. I touch them and they break into a million pieces. I don’t know why I care so much. I don’t know why these roses feel special.
The roses you bought me are decaying. You should be home by now. But you won’t answer your phone. You won’t answer your phone and I’m worried. The roses are decaying. I feel terrible. I have a terrible feeling. There are police at my door.
The roses you bought me are dead. When I arrived home I saw them dead. I got back from the hospital to more dead.
I scatter the dead roses on your grave.
It’s better to have loved and lost, Than to never have loved at all. For how could I ever live my life Knowing I missed out on this?
To lose the feeling of you Is a thought I can’t comprehend. For how would I live my life Knowing I lost this?
I’m so grateful For all the time we share. Every day I thank whatever being controls out fate, I thank them for bringing me closer to you.
I’m so terrified That one day, I may wake up you’ll be gone. I pray to whatever force paints the course of our life, I pray that they don’t rip us apart.
I once told you I believed it was better to love and lose, than to never love at all. I told you I would be grateful for our time together Whether it be the rest of our life Or a few weeks.
I replied that I thought it be better to never know what I’m missing out on. I told you I couldn’t carry on, knowing that I lost us. I told you that the grief would be to much for my heart. You said you believed it would be worth it.
Time is ticking, Though you don’t notice.
The sand is falling Through the hourglass It sifts through your fingers Landing in a heap.
Your life is being drained, Everyday you’re a little less you.
The grim reaper is coming Closer and closer Until he’s standing over you With a scythe in his hand.
You open your mouth, It’s almost time to say goodbye.
The reaper lifts his scythe He’s ready But the question is Are you?
You seemed to find a sick satisfaction in crossing lines. You loved sprinting past them. You loved making me draw new ones. For the purpose of ignoring them.
You also loved manipulation. Loved keeping me as your pet, As the kitten you found in a wet cardboard box. You kept me even as you found the pure-bred dogs.
You ran past the lines I so carefully drew, Every single time. Every day you somehow managed to make me stay. When I knew I hated it.
But yet, nobody called you out. Not one of your many exes. Not your parents. None of your friends.
You left me wondering, When does a man become a monster?