I hate myself. Why do I do this? Why do I put myself in situations like this? I could have said no, that I’m in a relationship, or not looking for a relationship. Of course when she asked to go on a date with me that popped into my mind immediately. Obviously it’s because I’m self destructive and insecure. She’s everything good about life. Her laugh makes people warm, and her smile is perfection. Being around her can instantly uplift you. Strange how such a joyful, carefree person would be drawn to me. I’m an anxiety-ridden human being with very little experience in relationships.

I tried, honestly. 6th grade was the last time. We were on a school bus heading to the museum for our class field trip. My buddy Alex was sick that day, and Jenna Lawson ended up sitting next to me. The whole ride she talked about her dance competitions. How she does her hair, the routines she practices, literally everything. I was immersed in the world of dance by the time we had arrived. She asked the teacher if we could be partners and it all went downhill from there.

I look up to see her walk in. Her wavy blonde hair is tied up in a bun. She looks toward me and smiles. No. She sees me. Which means I have to actually stay here and talk to her and make a fool of myself. Making a fool of myself can’t be prevented. I’m genetically disposed to humiliating myself. “Hey, it’s good to see you!” She walks toward me. I give her a genuine smile, keeping my sweaty hands in my pockets. “Same for you. “I don’t see Jeremiah with you, that’s a first.” I let out a nervous chuckle. Her demeanor instantly shifts to uncomfortable. “Why would he be..?” The urge to slap myself appears.

“Yeah, right. It’s just- you know since he’s always around you. Sort of like a duckling trying to stay close to its mother.” She gives me a confused look. “I’m tutoring him. His parents asked me if I would be able to after school 3 days a week, to which I said yes. He’s usually bugging me about helping him with homework.” “Ah.” Ah? Ah!?? That’s what I say to the girl I’ve liked for two years? Something in my brain is wrong. My whole brain is wrong. “Should we, uh, sit down?” I remember that we’re at the park, near where the picnic tables are. “Yes, we should do that.”

She sets her purse on the bench beside her. “Spring is my favorite season. The weather isn’t too cold or too hot, and the nature is so beautiful.”

I nod my head in agreement. “Do you have a favorite season? Wait, let me guess. It’s winter.”

“Why do you say that? Because my heart is cold and empty, and the freezing weather represents my soul?” She looks at me. “I wasn’t trying to say that, Isaac”. Of course. I say something that sounds funny in my head and in reality, it’s complete nonsense. “No- I know that. I just have a dumb sense of humor.” She chuckles slightly, probably to make me feel better.