“Promise me you won’t laugh at me.”

I look up from my book to see Kristina standing in front of me, holding her arms. “What would I laugh about?”

She clears her throat and then lets her arms fall to her sides. She reaches for her hair with her right arm, and pulls on it. What clearly is a wig comes off of her head and I stare in awe at what her natural hair has become. I clasp my hands over mouth in an attempt to stifle the laughter building up inside of me.

“You said you wouldn’t laugh at me!” Kristina exclaims, her voice now whiny and upset.

“Those weren’t exactly my words. How on earth did this manage to happen?”

She looks to the right, the beach visible through our window. “It was a bet. I made a bet with Ami and lost…clearly.” She turns back to face me and now I’m laughing audibly. I see her scowl and try to contain myself.

“First of all, you shouldn’t make stupid bets. Second of all, you shouldn’t make stupid bets with Ami. What was the bet anyway?”

She sits down in a dramatic fashion, her arms crossed against her chest. “We were at the Jacob’s house preparing for the festival on Saturday. Ami and I were in charge of handling the baked goods. I suggested, to make the 5 hours of baking more bearable, we compete and see who can make the most cupcakes. Whoever won could do whatever they wanted to the loser’s hair.”

She touches her half orange, half green hair, now at her shoulders when it once reached her lower back. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while. Honestly, it doesn’t look horrible on you. Seriously though, you basically brought this on yourself.”

Kristina begins to laugh. “Yeah, I did.”

Growing up, silence felt uncomfortable Filling the emptiness with small talk Was more appropriate than remaining still Being still in your thoughts and making a choice Choosing to push them down or let them roam

My fingers grasp the sand in clumps Grains descending from the gaps of my hand The cool air brings me into a calm state I look towards the sun as it slowly sets This bare setting evokes a peaceful feeling

Sparrows peck at the sand below their feet Many rush off as the waves come back in With my legs crossed and my breath steady I let my surroundings envelope me So that my thoughts can unwind

Pressure had led me to this place I’d fought my fears and worries In hopes that I would win the race Everyday I was in a hurry

Having reached my destination Relief didn’t wash over me I mourned every expectation Still existed that insatiable curiosity

Many years were required for me to learn Being still won’t always cause a rift I could actually see more after realizing That silence was a priceless gift

This fox did not intend to move Move far from his den that he had crafted Crafted and made secure by time Time could only pass by while he watched

Watched over but he wasn’t aware Aware of my presence in the trees Trees which I attempt to use to hide Hide myself from his observant eyes

Peyton is carrying me back towards the camp. He has his hunting rifle strapped across his back along with his water container. I was making it more difficult for him to get back to camp so he could leave with the Watchers.

“Just put me down and run. You can’t be late and I’m just holding you back.”

He looked down at me and let out an exasperated sigh.

“In what world do you think I would do that, Maya?”

I frown at him. The stinging in my right foot grows worse and I wince as the pain radiates.

“You can hardly stand properly. There’s no chance of you walking right now.”

I keep quiet as he walks through the thick forest. A path was designated so that we could trade and have a way of escape if needed. We reach the part of the trail where the camp becomes visible. Ahead I can see the wall of our camp, its wooden beams covered in moss. The trees of the forest become farther apart, and the sun hits us harder. I let the warmth of it comfort me even though my damaged foot still burns and causes me to bite my lip.

We reach the entrance of the camp. Two large doors, which were crafted by the king’s son, help provide a safe haven for the people inside. Peyton uses his water canteen to knock the appropriate amount of times and in the correct pattern. A man above the wall appears and smiles.

“Peyton! Finally, you’re back.”

Peyton chuckles. “It hasn’t been that long. You’re just impatient!”

The man laughs and signals below for the guards to let us in. Slowly the tall metal doors open, revealing the bustling streets and lively community.

I attempt to wiggle out of his arms as he walks in.

“Put me down. Now.”

“Is your foot suddenly back to normal? No more unbearable pain and swelling?”

I glare at him. Of course my foot is still very much swollen and painful but I’m trying to hide my discomfort the best I can.

“The infirmary isn’t too far. I can manage.”

“Exactly, it isn’t too far. Just shut up and be patient please.”

As Peyton heads towards the infirmary, people passing by give strange looks to us and to each other. It isn’t normal for Watchers to be seen carrying anyone.

“Well, this is certainly a surprise.” Dr. Manning says when we come through the curtain separating the healing area from the recovery space.

“I found her by the well, lying down alone. Her right foot-“.

I lower my left leg in an attempt to free myself. Peyton relents and lets me stand on my own, although he keeps my right arm over his shoulders.

“My right foot, well, just take a look will you, doc?”

He nods and walks over to an empty cot. I lie down as he directs, and pull up my pant leg. The redness of my foot is spreading up towards my calf. Dr. Manning leans over to look while sitting on the nearby cot.

“My goodness. This thing is swollen beyond belief. Is it alright if I touch it?”

I nod and he begins to examine my foot. I clench my teeth as the sharp pain increases in intensity.

“Doc, is there anything you can do? Give me some sort of medicine? I have to go with Leo to the meeting today.”

He leans back and sighs. “Do you really expect to go to that meeting in this condition? The journey is two days long and is physically demanding. You can’t be serious.”

Peyton nods his head in agreement. “That’s what I’m saying. Maya-“. He looks at me sympathetically now, which only infuriates me more. “Leo will find someone else to accompany him. You’ll have to sit this one out.”

I hug my arms across my chest. I don’t look at Peyton because of the impatience building up inside of me. “Doc, what do you think this is? I mean I stepped on a sharp rock but I don’t see how this could happen.”

Suddenly Dr. Manning is curious. “You stepped on a rock? When was this? Did it puncture your foot?”

“I think so. Yesterday while Karen and I were gathering supplies in the barn, I stepped on something sharp and hard. I remember taking off my sock and seeing blood.”

He nods slowly as if understanding something. “It’s clearly infected Maya. You don’t need to be a doctor to see it. I’ll prepare a treatment that should relieve the swelling and pain, but it’s going to take a few days.”

I nod, feeling tired and guilty. I had told Leo that I was going to go with him to the meeting with the new people.

“You get some rest now, you hear me?” Dr. Manning orders. “I’m going to go speak with Nurse Jane.”

He walks out of the tent, leaving me alone with Peyton.

“I’ve got to go, I’m already a couple of minutes late and the guys are going to be pissed.”

I nod in understanding. “Go. Tell Martin that you were assisting an injured girl who desperately needed help.” He grins slightly. “Alright, he says. “I’ll check in when we get back.”

“You don’t have to.” I say, but he’s already walking out of the tent.

I remember suddenly that the water I had obtained from the well was still at the well. I groan in pain as well as frustration. I’m not used to doing nothing.

He left me broken. Before he came into my life, I was hopeful. I was excited for everything most young women want to experience. Graduating college, landing my dream job, and experiencing the love. The love that you hear about from friends and family members. The love that you see in movies and read about in books. The kind of love that my parents shared. That kind of love.

“Congratulations, you’re now a college graduate!”

“We’re excited to have you join our team.”

“I can’t believe my girl has her own place.”

I checked each milestone off of my list. I grew and I changed as a person. While lying down on the couch that I had purchased for my own apartment, I dreamt of the love I had always desired. After many attempts at dating apps and a couple of short-lived relationships, I worried that I would never know that love.

Suddenly he was in my life. We met through a mutual friend. Everything made sense with him. He surprised me with little things often, sometimes by cooking a meal or taking me out on spontaneous trips. He loved my eagerness, I loved his free-spirit. We fit together perfectly. At least that’s what I believed.

I noticed he was getting home late. His mood seemed off, like anything I did would upset him. After a few days of his unusual behavior, he yelled at me. He knocks a glass off of the counter onto the floor. I had asked him why he started an argument with my mother. He stormed out of the apartment and I followed him. I kept speed walking as he quickly approached his car.

“Stop! Stop. Just talk to me. Talk to me Isaac!”

He placed his hand on the side door and looked at me. I tried to read his expression. Searching for guilt, sorrow, anger. Anything really. Yet I didn’t see any emotion of the sort. Except for confusion. He looked at me, as if looking at a puzzle.

“I cheated. I cheated and I don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t feel like I’ve hurt the love of my life. Honestly… I don’t think you ever were that to me.”

It took being in this moment for me to realize how much I had altered myself to please him. How I had ignored friends that he didn’t like. How I had avoided doing things I enjoyed because he wanted to do stuff that HE enjoyed. How even when I had a feeling that I shouldn’t, I begged for him to love me. I begged him and that’s why he stayed. Because I had given up my dignity and self-respect to be “loved.”

I was told my people that break ups are hard. That even though it doesn’t feel like it, it won’t feel like this forever. They thought I was depressed over things ending with Isaac. Anger was more of what I felt. Funny enough, I was more angry with myself than Isaac. I was angry at myself for being so desperate for love and not seeing what it actually was.

I started to doubt everything that I thought I knew about love. The definition I’ve always known was just a romanticized dream. It couldn’t truly be that healthy, that simple. Sure, why not believe in it when you’re a young girl or boy. I’m not a little kid anymore, I’m a grown woman. I can’t waste time hoping for a chance at something that can’t be real.

I walked into the local shop and ordered my drink. I thanked the cashier and walked over to a table. With my laptop open and my coffee near me, I felt like I could relax. Then an elderly couple walked in. The man had a light blue handbag on his lower arm, and his other arm wrapped around his wife’s back.

“Rebecca recommended this place to me. Said it was very popular among Gen Z in this area.”

The older man chuckled at his wife.

“Guess coffee shops are for the youngsters like the diners were for us, eh?”

They stood there and looked at the menu overhead the front counter. “How about you order me a black cup o’ joe and I’ll take a seat at a table with this heavy luggage of yours?”

The woman swatted his shoulder lightly.

“Go ahead you old bugger.”

I glanced over to see them sitting across from each other. They seemed to be talking about something, but I noticed that the elderly man’s hand never left hers. In that moment, I realized. My experience of “love” didn’t change what it truly is. What it can be. Seeing these two souls seem so complete with each other made my heart warm. My expectations of love weren’t foolish or childish. They were what made my heart warm.

My body is in a chair. With a blanket wrapped around my shoulders and a book in my hand, that is where I’m at. Physically. Though my mind is not there. My mind goes from world to world, immersed in each adventure. At times I’m a spectator, watching and keeping up with the characters and the twists and turns of a story. Other times I feel as though I’ve become a character, fitting into the world like a missing puzzle piece.

When my mind is suddenly drawn from another world, and my attention must go somewhere else, I recall the feeling of being so deeply focused on the world that exists between the pages. A teacher telling me to put down the book and learn. My family requesting I join them for dinner. During the times when I’m not in a story, I often think about what could happen. What the ending will turn out to be. Truly, the excitement never dies down.

I hate myself. Why do I do this? Why do I put myself in situations like this? I could have said no, that I’m in a relationship, or not looking for a relationship. Of course when she asked to go on a date with me that popped into my mind immediately. Obviously it’s because I’m self destructive and insecure. She’s everything good about life. Her laugh makes people warm, and her smile is perfection. Being around her can instantly uplift you. Strange how such a joyful, carefree person would be drawn to me. I’m an anxiety-ridden human being with very little experience in relationships.

I tried, honestly. 6th grade was the last time. We were on a school bus heading to the museum for our class field trip. My buddy Alex was sick that day, and Jenna Lawson ended up sitting next to me. The whole ride she talked about her dance competitions. How she does her hair, the routines she practices, literally everything. I was immersed in the world of dance by the time we had arrived. She asked the teacher if we could be partners and it all went downhill from there.

I look up to see her walk in. Her wavy blonde hair is tied up in a bun. She looks toward me and smiles. No. She sees me. Which means I have to actually stay here and talk to her and make a fool of myself. Making a fool of myself can’t be prevented. I’m genetically disposed to humiliating myself. “Hey, it’s good to see you!” She walks toward me. I give her a genuine smile, keeping my sweaty hands in my pockets. “Same for you. “I don’t see Jeremiah with you, that’s a first.” I let out a nervous chuckle. Her demeanor instantly shifts to uncomfortable. “Why would he be..?” The urge to slap myself appears.

“Yeah, right. It’s just- you know since he’s always around you. Sort of like a duckling trying to stay close to its mother.” She gives me a confused look. “I’m tutoring him. His parents asked me if I would be able to after school 3 days a week, to which I said yes. He’s usually bugging me about helping him with homework.” “Ah.” Ah? Ah!?? That’s what I say to the girl I’ve liked for two years? Something in my brain is wrong. My whole brain is wrong. “Should we, uh, sit down?” I remember that we’re at the park, near where the picnic tables are. “Yes, we should do that.”

She sets her purse on the bench beside her. “Spring is my favorite season. The weather isn’t too cold or too hot, and the nature is so beautiful.”
I nod my head in agreement. “Do you have a favorite season? Wait, let me guess. It’s winter.”
“Why do you say that? Because my heart is cold and empty, and the freezing weather represents my soul?” She looks at me. “I wasn’t trying to say that, Isaac”. Of course. I say something that sounds funny in my head and in reality, it’s complete nonsense. “No- I know that. I just have a dumb sense of humor.” She chuckles slightly, probably to make me feel better.

To everyone but her, that house is a paradise.

They see a place that covers each who enters in a blanket of love.
They see a building used to host birthday parties and hangouts during the Super Bowl, or a place to gather during the holidays.

She always wondered how one house could have two completely different descriptions. Like she was living elsewhere, but that house remained. The memories of hiding, being fearful of the unknown.

The day she passed that old house and saw a “for sale” sign on the front yard, she thought of what it’s future could be.

For the next family, it won’t be a prison. It won’t be somewhere that is avoided or dreaded. It will hopefully be contained with laughter. With safety.

The children living inside won’t be consumed with the constant thoughts of wondering what it could have been like. They’ll see what it’s supposed to be like.

The icy breeze consumed my body My heart grew more and more unsteady A stranger on the sidewalk passed by Glanced at me and continued on their journey

The sensible thing would be to leave I’d been frozen there too long, I knew My mind instructs and yet my body stayed still Fully aware of the uncomfortable chill

It was a diversion, it kept my mind busy I had grown quite used to the cold

Until finally, the chill stopped.