Everyone said Tinder was a scam, that no one ever actually finds someone halfway decent on there.

I downloaded it while I was drunk and set up a profile that… exaggerated my qualities, to say the least. How any idiot who believes that a 21 year old woman can be a chef, model, actress, and regular volunteer at Feed my Starving Children is beyond me.

I mean, it’s not all lies, really. I used to help my mom make quesadillas every Thursday night when I was twelve, I have a great variety of pictures of myself on Instagram, I was in the fifth grade musical (a tree, of course, but it still counts), and I did volunteer at some non profit once with my Girl Scout Troop. So I didn’t lie, not really.

Anyway, I got matched with this dude named Zayne. Kinda a hot guy, muscular with a six pack that nearly made me pass out. He has a short little beard, but not like an awkward eighth grade boy short, like a hot man on the beach short. He claimed to be 23, a student at Northwestern in business, had been in a handful of tv commercials, and worked at a local bakery when he wasn’t at school.

So I messaged him.

Me: hi. I’m Maddy.

Zayne: Hey! Zayne. Nice to meet ya! Tell me about yourself.

Me: like what

Zayne: I don’t know. Do you have siblings?

Me: dead or alive?

Zayne: oh my god, I’m so sorry.

Me: chillax dude, I was just kidding. I have an older brother and two dogs.

Zayne: nice. I’m a cat guy.

Me: eh, acceptable, I suppose.

Zayne: are you in college?

Me: nah. I’m not a nerd.

Zayne: fair enough. I hate those college nerds

Me: oops, forgot you were in college. I think college is cool, I’m just poor and too dumb to get a scholarship.

Zayne: learning doesn’t have an age, you can always try again when you’re older.

Me: you sound like a motivational poster in my therapist’s office.

Zayne: I get that a lot. Guess I’m just an inspirational guy.

Me: yeah. It was nice talking with ya, but I gotta go walk my fish.

Zayne: ouch! If you didn’t like me, you could just say so.

Me: no, I do. Like you seem actually nice. I’ve actually gotta get to work. Girls gotta eat

Zayne: nice. Where do you work?

Me: lol this is gonna sound so bad but McDonalds.

Zayne: hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Nice talking with you. Bye!

Geez, Tinder ain’t nearly as bad as they say.