The spell broke, and just like that, she could see everything with fresh eyes. She fell to her knees at the sight of what she had done to herself. She was blind for so long, thinking “it’s fine, im okay”, she had let her inner demons win and she didn’t even know it. She was reaking from her poor self-care choices. She hadn’t bathed in days, her room and her “safe space” have been cluttered and dirty for months. She realizes why her room is as cluttered as her mind. She had been cursed long ago with the pain and suffering in her mind. Her parents spewing their dark magic into her ears since she was born, peers joining in on the fun as she grew older. Their poisonous words on repeat for an eternity. Now that she has locked herself away she is the only one who is performing dark magic on her mind.

Once she completely breaks down something in her mind switches. Like the person in charge had been gone for months and they’re finally home and flick the light on and see the mess and go into overdrive to clean it and fix it all. So that’s what she does, she frantically tries to clean and fix what she has done. But the damage is done, she can’t fix it on her own. She can’t get help, she tells herself. She doesn’t want other people to worry or judge her for what she has done. She made this mess she has to clean it.

So she does, sort of. She showers, picks up the trash in her room, does laundry. That’s all she has the energy for. Even though she needs to organize everything, go through all her old clothes, put her clothes away, sweep up cat hair, vacuum crumbs up, and downgrade a little. She does none of that, the person in charge has turned out the light and left again. She’ll pat herself on the back for what she did accomplish, but with each pat comes a knife dripping with the same dark magic that got her in this mess.

After years of this same psychological battle she realizes more and more each time how to get the person to stay with the light on in her mind. She is determined to be all she dreams of being. She wants to spread her light magic to all and help those succumbed to the darkness a way to the light. It’s hard when she is pure light magic, tarnished and poisoned with inherited darkness.

She knows someday she’s gonna meet her, it’ll be surreal. The woman who gives pure light and absorbs the darkness from others recycling it into light. She will gain the support of others who have been cursed as she has, and together, they will be happy and thriving.

Until then, she’ll keep going through the same dark spells, with intense light periods that linger longer and longer each time. She’ll figure it out, and she’ll be okay.

You and I will be okay.