“Promise me you won’t laugh at me.” I say clutching my heart and soul, that are etched onto notebook paper, snug to my chest.
“I would never laugh at you my love, let me see what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours” My boyfriend pulls me closer to him in a soft, comforting embrace.
We are currently sitting on a merry-go-round at a park, at 2am. We drunkingly stumbled our way here from our house that’s only five blocks away. We like to come here and watch the stars and just talk about any and everything. We’ve had this tradition since the first night we met five years ago. Even after all this time, I still get nervous around him. He has always stuck by me no matter what, he has never judged me for anything, and he embraces my flaws.
I’m afraid of how he’ll feel after he reads what my soul aches for. I don’t wanna ruin the blissful bubble we have with us. It’s inevitable after tonight.
It’s dark and chilly, it’s the peak of fall so its a crisp cold where you can see you’re breath but warm enough to be comfortable in a hoodie and leggings. I sigh as the autumn air breezes through my long, wavy hair. I love autumn nights, it’s a different kind of feeling. It’s breathtaking with all the intricate colors on the changing fallen leaves. The night sky casting a soft glow around and throughout the park.
After fidgeting with my fingers and pulling on my hoodie strings. I get the courage to finally say something “ I don’t wanna ruin us, I love us, and I love you, but I’m scared of what will happen if you read these pages” I say looking down at the bolts that are peaking out from the neon blue metal on the merry-go-round. I can’t look at him, I know it’ll break his heart. It’ll break my heart. I squeeze the notebook with a white knuckled grip.
“Please, let me see, there’s nothing you could say or do that will make me stop loving you, even if i wanted to, i would never stop loving and caring for you, I promise” he says while turning me to look at him, when he’s done speaking he places a gentle kiss on my forehead and nudges towards the notebook that had fallen to my lap when he kissed me.
He has that effect on me, no matter what is going on in the universe, he holds me and kisses me and i just melt away and all my worries and troubles get on the first train outta town. That’s all gonna change once he reads the first page.
I give him a lingering, passionate kiss before reluctantly handing over my notebook that contains all my inner demons, dreams, desires, fantasies, and confessions. Gently, he takes it from my hands and gives me one more kiss on the forehead before opening to the first page.
I turn around on his lap because i don’t wanna see his face when he reads what I’ve written. I feel him relax his arms onto my legs as he holds the notebook in front of both of us.
I take the deepest breath I’ve ever taken, close my eyes, then exhale and open my eyes to start reading the piece of work that will tear our lives apart.
_My Garden _ __ _My Garden is home to many beautiful flowers _ And one special Oak Tree _The Oak tree, although only planted five years ago _ _Has become the focal point of my garden _ _Strong, resilient, brave, loyal, loving _ I love my oak tree _Before the oak tree i had a few other trees _ _They just never thrived in my garden _ _That’s okay, i just didn’t have the right tools to tend to them _ _In between tree’s i tend special care to my flowers _ All different kinds of stunning flowers; _Roses, Tulips, Hibiscus, Lilies, Lavendar _ _The list goes on _ _These flowers are strong, beautiful, sweet, caring, nurturing, thoughtful _ _All the things a gardener wants in an everlasting garden _ _She has the most fun tending to her flowers, _ _She yearns to explore more with flowers and all their delicate parts that mirror her own _ _She loves the oak tree, she doesn’t want anything bad to happen or to have it leave her life _ But the tree, can never be a flower And she can never have her own tiny garden helpers if she doesn’t have a tree in her garden _I love my oak tree, he is perfect and my absolute bestfriend _ _I also love my flowers, they’re as breath taking and captavating as woman _ I can’t have both _But i can’t live without either of them _ __ __ __ There’s a long pause after he reads the final lines. It feels like eons pass before he clears his throat. He sits there, frozen as an ice cap. After a few moments he gently guides me off of his lap so he can stand up.
He starts walking away from me to the other side of the playground. I’m too stunned to speak, i don’t know what to say to him, I barely know what to make of that myself. I never want to hurt him, but its too late for that.
The spell broke, and just like that, she could see everything with fresh eyes. She fell to her knees at the sight of what she had done to herself. She was blind for so long, thinking “it’s fine, im okay”, she had let her inner demons win and she didn’t even know it. She was reaking from her poor self-care choices. She hadn’t bathed in days, her room and her “safe space” have been cluttered and dirty for months. She realizes why her room is as cluttered as her mind. She had been cursed long ago with the pain and suffering in her mind. Her parents spewing their dark magic into her ears since she was born, peers joining in on the fun as she grew older. Their poisonous words on repeat for an eternity. Now that she has locked herself away she is the only one who is performing dark magic on her mind.
Once she completely breaks down something in her mind switches. Like the person in charge had been gone for months and they’re finally home and flick the light on and see the mess and go into overdrive to clean it and fix it all. So that’s what she does, she frantically tries to clean and fix what she has done. But the damage is done, she can’t fix it on her own. She can’t get help, she tells herself. She doesn’t want other people to worry or judge her for what she has done. She made this mess she has to clean it.
So she does, sort of. She showers, picks up the trash in her room, does laundry. That’s all she has the energy for. Even though she needs to organize everything, go through all her old clothes, put her clothes away, sweep up cat hair, vacuum crumbs up, and downgrade a little. She does none of that, the person in charge has turned out the light and left again. She’ll pat herself on the back for what she did accomplish, but with each pat comes a knife dripping with the same dark magic that got her in this mess.
After years of this same psychological battle she realizes more and more each time how to get the person to stay with the light on in her mind. She is determined to be all she dreams of being. She wants to spread her light magic to all and help those succumbed to the darkness a way to the light. It’s hard when she is pure light magic, tarnished and poisoned with inherited darkness.
She knows someday she’s gonna meet her, it’ll be surreal. The woman who gives pure light and absorbs the darkness from others recycling it into light. She will gain the support of others who have been cursed as she has, and together, they will be happy and thriving.
Until then, she’ll keep going through the same dark spells, with intense light periods that linger longer and longer each time. She’ll figure it out, and she’ll be okay.
You and I will be okay.
