I think I have the opposite of an eating disorder.

I see food,

I want it,

I eat it.

I have almost no control of myself.

Even when I don’t want it,

Even when I’m not hungry.

If there’s food,

I just… get it.

It feels like a physical tug on me,

Pulling me to whatever it is.

When I get home from school,

It’s a strain in my arms,

My chest,

My skin

To not immediately walk to the fridge.

And I stop and analyze my stomach.

I’m not hungry.

I don’t want that food.

And I just…

Can’t help it.

One snack.

Then another.

And another.

And another.

Until I’ve had a little bit of everything I like.

Until there’s nothing even left for me to eat.

Not… eat, exactly.

More like nibbling on different foods.

Bites.

And I always need one more bite.

I want to stop.

I don’t want to eat that.

I want to look in the mirror without hating me.

I want to know I have some ounce of control over myself.

I want to wait for dinner

Because I don’t even want that food.

But then…

Just one more bite.