Every day I look in the mirror as I wake up , most days the same. I don’t like the way I look. Some days worse than others.

Struggled with my weight from being a child , I use food in difficult situations to suppress my emotions and in these times I gain weight and hate myself more.

It’s like a monster develops before my eyes as I pick out every roll and dimple in my skin I get uglier and uglier by the second.

I have to pull myself away sometimes as what I don’t see can’t hurt me anymore. It’s largely contributed to my depression in a vicious cycle of eating because of sadness and sadness from eating too much and gaining weight.

I believe it’s contributed to many failed relationships and talking stages in my life , once a man looked into my eyes and said “ I don’t know why you don’t like yourself” , personally I believe it’s a combination of past rejection and deep seated hatred of my body from myself and comments off others throughout my lifetime.

I’ve had girls message my exes before saying I’m a monster , I should starve myself, I probably wear makeup to cover how ugly I am and they barely even stuck up for me. People are cruel I get that , but when you have a low self image already , it really gets to you.

My grandma is also a large contributor to my hatred , always comparing me to my sisters , suggesting I exercise more , saying I’ll get as fat as my cousin one day, maybe I should stop eating crisps. I don’t even eat crisps!

I’ve tried most fad diets , lifestyle changes , joining the gym , walking , home workouts, all to no prevail , the weight always returns.

This is why now I’m just going to try and be mindful. Try and pick healthy choices but not obsess over calories, exercise when I can , walk whenever possible , but I will not let my weight and the reflection in the mirror ruin my life. I need to love what I see in the mirror and it might love me back.