I know he didn’t like me like that , it was “nothing serious”, he didn’t want me to see anyone else but he didn’t want me either. I was just being used for sex , but I was in love with him. He invited me over , Netflix and chill as per usual. I needed to tell him how I felt. We were cuddling on the bed and I looked into those deep brown eyes of his and I just felt it. “I love you”. Silence. “What?” He said “ I thought you knew this was nothing serious”. “I can’t help how I feel” I confessed. He pulled away from my touch and the life fell from his eyes. He never felt how I felt. I got up and left. The pain in my heart was too strong to stay. I needed to go home.
When I was younger, I was a child actress , always had the paparazzi surrounding the house , award shows , private schools for celebrities, high profile friends; now it’s all gone. The fame didn’t follow me into adulthood. However, it’s served me a new kind of freedom that I didn’t have as a child; I can simply walk around a supermarket without being recognised and stopped for autographs and selfies. I feel normal again. It feels like the air is fresh again , no longer stuffy and suffocating like it was in the spotlight. Not to say I didn’t enjoy the attention at the time, I loved what I did, performing had always been my talent and I thrived. Eventually I grew out of it though and wanted to become a writer and express my creativity in a different way. I’ve wrote an autobiography about my former career and I’m also a successful children’s writer with 3 book nominations. I am proud of the life I’ve achieved through hard work. Although I no longer feel as recognised as I did back then , I appreciate the silence sometimes , the lie-ins in a morning , no longer rising at 6am for rehearsals, working at my own pace. I love it. My parents had always wanted me to continue acting , but I knew it wasn’t for me anymore , I’d broken out of my cocoon and transformed into a butterfly. I only see very few people from my past life these days , a few co-stars and school friends but they are more superficial than I so I have become distant, but I don’t regret it at all.
Every person is born Every person dies Every person is scorn Every person cries
Everyone lives the same life Just in a different skin They may have a wife They may have kin
Nobody is immortal It’s a common fact Everyone goes through the portal Nobody stays in tact
Heaven may be on its way Hell may be on its way We are just keeping god at bay.
At least for now
The favourite child has never been me. I’ve been the middle child mistreated and forgotten. I believe my younger sister is the favourite , she has much less rules and restrictions on life than I did at her age, allowed to the park on her own when I was humiliated in front of my friends for doing so, gets the most expensive clothes and shoes. My older sister is on par for the favourite, she’s definitely the favourite of my grandparents , got private education all her life , taken on extravagant holidays and never had anything less , me on the other hand , I had to step aside at a young age , look after my younger sister , moved house on my birthdays , never had a party , never had everything paid for , got my first job aged 15 to start paying my way. I don’t think I’ll ever be the favourite child , more the Cinderella of the family. However I’m the smartest so I will make my family proud one day , they’ll see who the favourite child really is.
I found the way he spoke to me magical , he put me under his spell , that’s why you should never get romantically involved with a wizard; he is more powerful than I. Anything he says to me makes me laugh and smile and even if he does me wrong he makes me come back to him. I hate that about him. I want to get away. He teleports me straight back to his bedroom and feeds me his love potion so I won’t ever try and leave again. I’m one of many though. He’s greedy. Wants all the women to himself but the women can’t have other men. Guess he has the advantage of his powers over other men so we are all lured into his honey trap. He always says he misses me and thinks I’m beautiful and funny but will never commit to me. I know he has a soft spot for me but just doesn’t want to fall for me. Maybe I’ll have to do some magic of my own to get him to feel the same way as I do. He knows he can have any woman he wants with his powers but he must know I’m different. I can see in his eyes that he knows I’m the one. I’m going to feed him his own love potion and play him at his own game.
The announcement came through and spread through the departure lounge , 09:53 flight to Shanghai is now boarding. I couldn’t bear to leave her. I needed her. Her glistening blue eyes stared into mine, I knew she didn’t want me to leave either. However she needed to go back to her family in Rio de Janeiro. I took her number in hopes that we could stay in contact after we part ways. I took her in my arms; I wanted to hold her for a lifetime. I broke away , I thought it’s too soon to kiss her , although I felt like we had a deep connection, we had known each other for about an hour. I had to go. We will meet again. She waved and smiled as I faded into the distance and boarded my flight. I felt my heart pang for her ; I was sure it was love at first sight however this was the first time I’ve ever experienced it. My heart longed for her but I was still wrapped up by her soft presence and I had a warm feeling to last me for my flight. I’d message her as soon as I land. I hope she replies.
Every day I look in the mirror as I wake up , most days the same. I don’t like the way I look. Some days worse than others. Struggled with my weight from being a child , I use food in difficult situations to suppress my emotions and in these times I gain weight and hate myself more. It’s like a monster develops before my eyes as I pick out every roll and dimple in my skin I get uglier and uglier by the second. I have to pull myself away sometimes as what I don’t see can’t hurt me anymore. It’s largely contributed to my depression in a vicious cycle of eating because of sadness and sadness from eating too much and gaining weight. I believe it’s contributed to many failed relationships and talking stages in my life , once a man looked into my eyes and said “ I don’t know why you don’t like yourself” , personally I believe it’s a combination of past rejection and deep seated hatred of my body from myself and comments off others throughout my lifetime. I’ve had girls message my exes before saying I’m a monster , I should starve myself, I probably wear makeup to cover how ugly I am and they barely even stuck up for me. People are cruel I get that , but when you have a low self image already , it really gets to you. My grandma is also a large contributor to my hatred , always comparing me to my sisters , suggesting I exercise more , saying I’ll get as fat as my cousin one day, maybe I should stop eating crisps. I don’t even eat crisps! I’ve tried most fad diets , lifestyle changes , joining the gym , walking , home workouts, all to no prevail , the weight always returns. This is why now I’m just going to try and be mindful. Try and pick healthy choices but not obsess over calories, exercise when I can , walk whenever possible , but I will not let my weight and the reflection in the mirror ruin my life. I need to love what I see in the mirror and it might love me back.
I enter the tunnel of white light as I fall from my death bed in the general hospital. I thought I had lived a good life , did a lot of charity work , raised 3 kind and intelligent kids, looked after my mother that was dying of leukaemia for 2 years and I’d reached the tender age of 87 before contracting heart failure and ending up where I am today. I expected I’d end up in heaven as I was a catholic who regularly attended church and never broke a commandment in the entire time I’d spent on earth. However. As I reach the end of the white tunnel I see a red glow that morphed into large lashing flames and I realised where I had ended up. Hell. The dark cast iron gates loomed before me , rising stories high above my head like the twin towers. There was a sense of dread and loathing in the atmosphere and it washed over me like liquid cement , weighing my body down. Wondering how on earth I got where I am I hear distant screams and moans , presumably of those inside those gates. I accept my fate on move onward. The gates groan as I force them open and step inside , I continue walking and now I see what is before me. All the sins that could possibly be done in life all happening at once. One side consisted of a group of junkies surrounded by heaps of needles , repeatedly injecting themselves and drooling at the mouth due to the amount of opioids in their system , in another area there was a group of people having sex , whips , chains , blindfolds , all screaming with pleasure and pain. In another area there seemed to be glamorous women , smoking cigarettes and applying copious amounts of lipgloss and taking photos of each other. There seemed to be people from all walks of life here. I realised since I’m here now I had no fear of what would happen if I was to misbehave , therefore over time I began to join in the activities , reliving my youth and doing all the things you are always told not to do. I felt more alive as a dead person than I ever did on earth. Eventually something strange occurred. The same bright white light appeared , and an angel stepped out of the light bonding out its hand. I believe there’s been a mistake...
