The first funeral I can

Remember

Is my

Brothers.

I hate it here.

He was only 32 years old.

Hit and run.

Riding home on his bicycle

Ten years ago.

I hate it here.

Denial denial denial.

I hate it here.

Day arrives for his funeral.

We drive there.

My boyfriend drives I should say

I sit there in numbed silence.

Numbed disbelief.

Pitch self.

Will self to wake up from

Nightmare

Please.

I hate it here.

I feel sick

I feel sad

I feel like I

Want

Earth to swallow me whole.

I hate it here.

Standing outside the parking lot

My boyfriend holds my hand.

I’ll never be ready to go inside

But I can’t stay out there either.

I hate it here.

Cars and cars of people

Arrive.

Everyone in black.

Must join my mom

My dad

My stepmom

To welcome them

To the worst day of my life.

I hate it here.

November chill runs through my

Bones.

Tug of hand.

Feet move forward

Dragging my soul

My heart

Autopilot

Walk through the door.

Walk through the door.

I hate it here.

Can’t go in to see my brother

In the casket just yet.

I don’t

Have the strength.

Boyfriend holds me up.

A pillar.

Flowers engulf my nostrils.

I gag and have never smelled flowers

the same since.

Flowers smell like death.

Flowers smell like the worst days ever.

I hate it here.

Cousin comes in

Cousin who I haven’t seen in ages.

Cousin reprimands me for

Not wearing heels

Since I’m so short

I must be in the Twilight Zone

Because who cares and why care

What is on my feet

Since my brother

lays 50 feet away

in the other room

Never able to wear shoes again.

I hate it here.

More people come in.

My mom is crippled over

Her walker screaming and crying

Having trouble breathing

I know I need to go in to comfort her.

Feet autopilot again.

Walk towards her.

Hold her.

My own tears have dried up as if a drought

Has come to my face.

I hate it here.

I walk up to him

Lying still want this to be a lie.

My brother can’t be dead.

We’re supposed to grow old together.

We’re not supposed to be here.

One of us alive.

One of us dead.

I hate it here.

Everybody comes out

People I haven’t seen in ages

People I haven’t thought about in ages

Come to pay their respects

To him

To us

I wish we could have seen these people for

Different reasons.

Different circumstances.

Have I mentioned

I hate it here?

Hands shaken

Hugs given

Tears shed

“He was too young” repeatedly said.

I hate it here.

Priest comes

And I bristle

Because my brother wasn’t

Religious

but

We don’t have another way to

Do death rituals

And some family is religious

All the same

I hate it here.

Time for eulogies.

I don’t know who else speaks

Except for

Mom

Dad

Me.

Parents should never have to

Speak at their

Child’s funeral.

Parents should never have to

Bury their children.

It goes against the natural

Order of everything.

I hate it here.

November rolls around

Marking his anniversary

Every 18th of the 11th month.

I hate it here.