Angela Barkley. That was her signature— round and legible, print not cursive, always black ink. It adorned every legal document of Stone House Lane’s extensive Home-Owners’ Association, which she as President ruled with an iron fist. No one disputed Angela’s authority— and those who did regretted it in court. With a swish of her ash blonde balayage and a catty flutter of her false eyelashes, the Pharaoh of Stone House Lane always got her way.

She’d known that man was trouble the moment she showed up at his door with a casserole. Moses Abrams— it didn’t sound like a normal name, he didn’t look like a normal man, and just like that Angela took a dislike to her new neighbor.

Mr. Abrams appealed to the HOA to mow his lawn himself instead of their designated service. Angela denied his request without reading the whole of it.

Mr. Abrams’ dog barked at an Amazon delivery in the middle of the night. Angela fined him for noise pollution and improper pet stewardship.

Mr. Abrams was absent for an HOA meeting while he attended his daughter’s graduation in Connecticut. Angela sent him a rude email for missing attendance.

The HOA Pharaoh took a savage delight in harassing Moses Abrams over every single detail she could enforce— and enforce she did, as the odd-man-out of Stone House Lane grew angrier… and angrier… and angrier.

—

“Moses.”

He turned around, expecting one of Angela Bartley’s HOA minions to appear— but no, this voice was far too deep and gravelly for that.

“Moses, thou hast been chosen.”

His eyes fell upon the dead boxwood bush in the center of his yard: the one he suspected had been poisoned, since it had died despite his most vigilant care. Angela had delighted in fining him for that. Its sunburned leaves sparkled in the July heat, looking ready to catch fire in all their dehydrated glory.

“Thy suffering beneath the foul rule of one Suburban Pharaoh shall cease. Hark! I order thee to approach her McMansion with thy walking-stick and windbreaker in hand, with the message of the wrath that shall befall her.”

“I don’t understand,” Moses panicked. “You’re a dead bush. Am I losing it?”

“Have faith in me, Moses,” the boxwood demanded, “And I shall deliver thy household from slavery. Ten plagues shall come upon this Home-Owners’-Association. Carry my message, Moses, and freedom shall be thine.”

1

The Plague of Red Ink

Moses and his stupid walking stick. Who did he think he was? Angela was signing another violation contract with her immaculate signature when she came to a heart-stopping realization.

The ink was not black.

She searched frantically through every drawer in her house, but every pen she found was blood-red. Angela let out an agonized shriek: she couldn’t use red ink!

Moses had to have something to do with this.

She couldn’t let him get his way.

2

The Plague of Slugs

Angela awoke to find her perfect landscaping in ruins.

Slugs— big ugly slugs! They were everywhere; they had infested every bush in the cul-de-sac… except for those in Moses’ yard. Angela seethed, staring at the single dead bush she’d poured Round-Up on weeks ago. How dare he?

She couldn’t let him get his way.

3

The Plague of Oriental Trading Trucks

They came all day. They came all night. Angela almost tore her blow-dried hair out as each truck unloaded their cardboard-boxed cargo right outside Moses’ house.

She couldn’t let him get his way.

4

The Plague of Lawn Flamingoes

There must have been thousands of them. Satan’s abominable salmon-colored army, the pink polyethylene spawn of some Lovecraftian horror and an Oriental Trading truck, arranged in a demonic reenactment of a Roman Phalanx around Moses Abrams’ dead bush. Angela was suddenly horrified by the lack of ordinances against plastic lawn flamingoes, so she wrote one up (in red ink).

She couldn’t let him get his way.

5

The Plague of Constipation of Toy Dogs

Angela’s Yorkshire Terrier had left some surprises on her expensive carpet.

Furiously, she texted all the neighborhood women to find their respective small dogs had experienced the same bout of misfortune.

[Remaining 5 plagues to come… stay tuned!]