social anxiety

Oh no.

I had spent all of yesterday so anxious for today.


My eyes were red from crying, my hair tangled and knotty from all the times I’d spent my energy on worrying rather than hygiene. Just under my eyes laid dark, dark bags from all the nights like last night.

My vision was everywhere; my pupils darting from place to place. When I moved, it was lanky and disorganized. I could already hear them.

The whispers telling me how awful I am, how I’m gonna mess everything up. My grades would slip and I wouldn’t go to college and this would ruin my life and no one would care. I’d die alone and everything would go wrong. I could already see it; my mom’s disappointment when she realizes what a failure I am - and how it’s all. my. fault.

The teacher calls my name and I snap out of my trance. She tells me to meet her after class.

Oh no.

My hair’s a mess and my eyes are awful and my clothes are dirty and I haven’t gotten enough sleep and there’s a presentation and I’ve messed it all up. Ruined my whole life in the blink of an eye.

When she spoke those words, my brain went up in flames.

Don’t bounce your leg, I reminded myself. That makes you look anxious. Try not to shake, just control your breathing. Smile.

I tried my best to look a little more like a regular human being who maybe was just having a bad day and a little less like me.

I was a cruel and wicked being who ruined everything - didn’t deserve to be here at all.

She continues on with the lesson, but I can’t focus. My brain is a wall and all my thoughts are ingrained, leaving no room for her words.

It would be fine as long as there was no partner work.

Or presentations.

Or anything new.

Presentations, right, the presentation. It was next period, so I would.. I would be late.

Oh no.

I would stay after class to talk to her and then I would be late to the next class. I would be late for my presentation and I would be marked absent and it would be unexcused and everyone would be so mad at me for ruining their day.

I tried to remember to breathe, but even hyperventilating seemed impossible. My breath caught on every word around me and stopped until I remembered that I need oxygen.

When I finally acknowledged that I was unconsciously bouncing my leg - yay me - the bell had rung.

Oh no.

Breathe and don’t let the thoughts get to you. Listen and focus and smile and nod but don’t look like a zombie. Don’t check the time or bounce your leg. Don’t be you.

I grab my backpack, but don’t file away like everyone else. I stand and stare at the teacher.

Right. Blinking.

I fluttered my now-dry eye and stared.

I want to go home…

I decide to take a couple tentative steps forward.

Breathe. Blink. Smile. Don’t look at the clock. Don’t look nervous. It’s just a bad day, just a bit worried and you’ll be better tomorrow. Right.


As soon as you exited the classroom you wanted to scream.

Scream and cry and sob and yell and collapse on the ground just to be sucked up by a black hole and forgotten.

But you had a place to be, and life would go on. You did contemplate crying in the bathroom, it was a viable option, but ultimately decided on just getting to class.

You were at least going to get this over with.

When you walked into class, all eyes were on you.

Oh no.

They were all staring at you, waiting expectantly. Had you forgotten something? Did you look strange? What was wrong with you? Why werw they all looking?

Someone yelled out something with your name which made some students chuckle.

You shuffled over to your seat.

The teacher cleared their throat and asked why you were late. You answered with something alike to what had happened. She kept staring.

Look, they’re all looking at you. You’re such a nightmare. They all must hate you. Why wouldn’t they? The teacher spent hours making this lesson plan just for you to ruin it all - they were focusing until YOU interrupted.

You wanted to cry.

reached word limit here, hope you enjoyed lol <3 have a good day :)))

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