Got to admit, that when I thought about my death, I thought I’d either die in my sleep or maybe entertaining myself a lovely lady.

What I hadn’t expected - i mean, really, who would’ve expect it - was to be taken out by a Goddamned coconut.

Yeah, you heard me.

A coconut.

I was just minding my own business, enjoying The sandy shores of old picturesque Hawaii,when BAM! Knock out! I’m a goner. Off to meet my maker and all that jazz.

Just glad I was able to walk my kid down the aisle and give her away to a true blue, genuinely decent man before I kicked the bucket.

He better treat my little girl right.

God, I’ll miss the kid. Mine, that is.

Brett? Ah shucks, maybe. I might miss Brett as well.

But my little Maggie…

I’ll miss her like hell.

I’m almost positive I raised that girl right too

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I’m dead.

And all because of a god forsaken, honest to god coconut.

Heh. I guess it’s not the worst way to go.

Didn’t even see it coming.

Now, you’re probably wondering how I knew it was a coconut when I didn’t even see it coming.

Good question.

You see, whe you Kick the bucket, you end up in a waiting Area of your own mental design.

I say of your own mental design because, well,it is.

I woke up in a doctors waiting room.

The guy to the left of me, Herb I think his name was, was At a train station.

The woman to my right, a. Movie theater.

Don’t ask me how. I just figure it’s some sort of magic and well…magic.

No reason to think on it any further.

Now, where was I?

Oh yeah, how I know I was murdered by a prick of a coconut.

Ticket. I woke up with a doddamned ticket in my left hand.

And it had four sentences on it.

Just four sentences.

My name

DOB - DOD.

How I died.

Heaven*/Hell/Unsure

Yeah, that’s right. I learned how I died from a tiny piece of paper.

But hey, at least the little slip said I was destined for Heaven.

Score.

So, yeah, you wake up with your little ticket and you life is summed up with four little sentences.

Name.

DOB - DOD

How you died.

Heaven/Hell/Unsure.

DOn’t ask me about that Unsure choice,I don’t think I want to know what that means.

So, yeah, I was taken out by a coconut and was well on my way to Heaven.

Tu bad that’s not what happened.

That’s right.

That didn’t happen.

Didn’t happen because,some goddamned person upstairs or downstairs or whatever screwed up big time.

Yep, when my number was called - did I mention their was a little number on my ticket as well - i walked straight up to where a “Nurse” was waiting for me and followed him back to where the “Doctor” was expecting me.

A nurse who was probably an angel and a doctor who was probably the Big Man Upstairs.

Imagine my surprise, if you will be so kind, that when I past through those goddamned waiting rooms doors, expecting eternal paradise, I was met with the jumpscare of my life.

Not St. Peter’s Gates but a blast of hellfire to the face.

Thank the devil for little brother reflexes and the instinctual almost sixth sense ability that alerts you to an oncoming blow to the head.

I hope that’s instinctual; hate to realize that Jim was abusing me all these years.

Back on topic.

No fluffy clouds in sight. Fire blast to the face.

I was in Hell.

Yep, Hell.

Somewhere I definitely wasn’t meant to be; judging by the confused and slightly nervous looks the two gremlins who welcomed me to Hell were shooting each other.

Hell, the even dropped their flame throwers.

That was…

Well I don’t know how long it was, time moves differently down here.

Anyway, that was awhile ago and in Hell I remain.

Apparently my paperwork had gotten mixed up and it’s a bit of a bitch to fix.

Yeah, that’s right, you can’t escape paperwork, it’s in Heaven too.

Hell too, I noticed a bit ago there’s a a specially appointed department for strictly paperwork related torture.

Glad I’m not allowed to be tortured.

Yep! Lucky me.

You see, I’m not the first case of mixed up paperwork.

Those meant for Hell who end up in Heaven are put into solitary confinement while they wait.

And for people like me?

We get to enjoy all the perks of Hell without any of the pain.

Now, I know, I know. You’re asking me “perks? What perks? What kind of perks can there be inHell?”

Plenty.

Well, plenty as long as you stay on the straight and narrow.

Commit no crimes, get no time.

I haven’t committed any crimes yet and well,I’m starting to really enjoy Hell.

Hence all the taking the Lords name in vain.

I’ll worship the Devil for the rest of my un life it means I get to spend my afterlife partying it up.

Sure, the sounds of eternal damnation can be a bit of a bummer but hey, at least the demons know how to party.

So do the dinosaurs.

The water slides awesome too.

Well, it’s a lava slide but since I’m meant for Heaven, it feels like the perfect water tempature.

Acts like it too.

And if you treat the demonesses right; I mean wine and dine them, really make them happy; it isn’t considered a sin if you partake.

The food’s cooked perfectly.

The wine is perfectly aged.

And I live in a luxurious mansion with all the furnishings.

Yep, I have it good.

SO yeah, I might have been killed by a coconut.

And yeah, I might of been meant to ascend to Heaven.

But a part of me, a real big part of me, really hopes they never fix my paperwork.

Cause, despite being dead, I’ve never felt more alive!

Hell aint such a bad place to be.