Allison Beasley wasn’t a stalker.
In fact, you might even say, she strove to be the complete opposite of one. As in,  if it wasn’t her problem than it remained such until it either became her problem or someone asked for her  opinion as in,  she didn’t pry. As in,  somebody’s personal life was personal up until they themselves disclosed any information they deemed relevant.  as in, she hadn’t been at all interested in her ex-boyfriend’s social media pages. As in, she would never go meticulously through all of his newly uploaded pictures and videos. As in, she had absolutely no interest or opinion when it came to the new woman on her ex-boyfriend’s arm. 
Nope. Nada. Zilch.
Because Allison Beasley wasn’t a stocker. 
She was, however, a liar. 
Like most people,  aside from the crazies,  Allison hadn’t woken up with the expressed urge to become a stocker, it just sort of happened. Honestly. She hadn’t gone looking for the opportunity to become one, it had all just been thrust upon her.  at least, that’s what she’ll.  tell her self win.  she inevitably snaps out of this craziness. : it just sort of happened, she couldn’t help it,  sometimes situations arose that are just too  enticing to ignore. And like the week willed woman she could sometimes be,  she had taken it.  Or rather, if she were to be truthful, launched herself at it with all the intensity of a pissed off viper.
That will hold up in court, right? 
“ I swear you’re honor, it’s true, I just couldn’t help myself. ”
Yeah, she was totally gonna go to jail if she was caught. 
Because Allison Beasley was a liar. 
A bad liar.
Especially when lying to her self. 
Because she was a stalker.
A stalker who had spent the better part of the night before, stalking both her ex-boyfriend and his new side piece’s social media pages, looking for a reason. Just one, single solitary reason to turn her new hobby from cyber stalking, to physical stalking.
And she had found it.
They were planning to meet at Andy’s Cafe. Andy’s Cafe being a highly recommended and up and coming little shop that resided not five blocks over from her apartment complex. And she had the perfect excuse to be there, that very same day.
And that excuse involve her best friend.
Or rather, her best friend’s not-so one sided crush on a certain barista.
Her plan was fool proof.
It wasn’t like Macy would say-
“No, Ally. Just, no.”
Macy Simpson stood resolutely in her apartment’s entryway, arms crossed, expression pinched and her left foot tapping. Looking absolutely adorable in her overlarge Iron Man shirt, with her hair in disarray and cheeks still warm from sleep as she attempted to glare the blonde into submission. Not succeeding in the slightest, other than to make herself look the part of an irritable kitten.
“ I haven’t said anything, yet.  “  she countered,  a bit guilty now that she remembered that Macy had worked the graveyard shift the night before, and probably had just managed to fall asleep . It didn’t deter her.  as she quickly continued,  “ and it’s important. ”
Macy’s Skal deepened,  “ define important. ”
“ can I come in first?  ”
“ no, explain. ”
“ Fine, ” Allison pouted , feigning disappointment, . “ I was scrolling through Facebook last night and I came across-“
“Fuckin’ hell, al.” Macy immediately interrupted with a low growl. “Please tell me that you didn’t wake me up at nine in the morning because you finally found out about Jason’s new girlfriend?”
The blonde startled, “you knew?”
Macy sighed, then nodded, before sighing again and jerking her chin towards the interior of the apartment. “Get in, girl. I wont be getting rid of you now.”
As if in a trance, Allison shuffled past Macy as she entered the apartment, heading straight for the home’s small kitchenette and taking a seat at the small kitchen table. It hadn’t occurred to her that Macy might have already known about the situation, but it should have; because despite her friend’s introverted tendencies, she always seemed to know their friend group’s latest gossip. And unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, Jason Collier was still very much apart of said friend group despite their breakup. It had been mostly amicable after all. At least as far as their friends were concerned.
At least on his side.
Her, not so much.
“Before you get started, “ Macy interrupted Allison’s musings, as she began preparing herself a coffee, “I didn’t know about Annie until last night.”
“Her name’s Annie?” The blonde groused under her breath before shaking her head to clear it. “And how did you learn about this…Annie?”
“Don’t,” Macy chided, arms once more crossing over her chest as she leaned against the counter near her coffee pot. “Don’t act like you don’t already know her name. You said you were on facebook last night. I have no doubt you were stalking her page.”
“And what if I was?’ She countered petulantly.
Macy’s only response to that was a theatrically pained grimace as she rolled her eyes As to ask God for patience. Or, more likely, to ask God why she was burdened to have a best friend such as Allison.
After a moment, green eyes once more met blue as Macy blew out a calming breath, a wayward curl fluttering briefly before taking it’s place once more across Macy’s left eye.
Brushing it away with a huff, Macy pushed on. “Than you’d know that she just got hired at the nursing home, her first night was last night. Jay dropped her off. They looked happy.”
“Did they?” Allison pressed, fists clenched in her lap as she scrutinized her friend’s face, looking for any trace of a lie. “How do you know? Did you ask him-I mean them? Have you talked to the slut?”
“Jesus,” Macy coughed, turning her back to the blonde as she got a mug and poured herself an instant cup and took it to the table, sitting heavily down on her home’s only other dining chair. “She isn’t a slut, Al-“
“Doubt it.”
“You’d probably like her if you ever met her-“
“Unlikely.”
“She’s really sweet,” Macy continued relentlessly, pausing only briefly to sip at her drink. “I mean, I talked a lot with her last night, and I’m pretty sure there’s not a mean bone in her entire body.”
“She sounds boring.,” The blonde grouched, not meeting the brunette’s eyes as she pointedly stared at a spot on the ceiling. “Jay won’t like that.”
Once again, Macy sighed, taking a long pull of her coffee before setting it gently on the table. Reaching out, once her hands were free, to offer a comforting hand which Allison immediately took.
The brunette gave the blonde’s hand a comforting squeeze as she crooned, “what’s this really about, Al? I thought you were over him?”
“I am.” Allison protested adamantly before relenting, shoulder’s drooping as she drew aimlessly upon the table with the fingers of her free hand. “I mean…oh, i don’t know, I thought I was…but…is he really happy?”
Macy sighed for the umpteenth time that night before consoling.
“Yeah, I think so.”
The blonde perked up, “so you don’t know for sure?”
“Allison!” Macy warned, “don’t-“
The blonde ignored her, You haven’t talked to Jay lately have you? About her, I mean?”
“No,damnit. Stop that train of thought right the fuck now. You don’t need this.”
“You haven’t, have you?” The blonde pressed, a look of pleading in her blue eyes.
The brunette relented, sighing once more. “NO, i haven’t.”
“Perfect! You didn’t. That means you’re not sure-“
“Macy cut her off, “get to the point, Ally. I know you have one. Why’d you come over in the first place.”
Allison grinned, an almost manic gleam in her eyes.
“I know where there going to be in about 45 minutes. Plenty of time for us-“
“What do you mean us?”
“-to get there before they do and scout out the perfect place to observe-“
“You mean stalk.”
“Potato, pa-tah-to,” Allison waved her hand dismissively. “We’ll observe them and make sure she really does make him happy.”
“And when you see she does?”
The blonde ignored her.
“And then I’ll-I mean we’ll-finally be able to prove that Jay’s lost without me.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“There meeting at Andy’s.”
A paus, followed quickly by a forcibly disinterested, “really?”
“Yep. And guess who I found out worked today?”
Another pausforced indifference faltering. “Oh really, who?”
“Jeremy.”
A longer pause, then a groan of defeat.
“Fuck.”
“So You’ll come?”
A sigh, “…yes.”
“Awesome!”
And with that, Allison Beaslee leaped to her feet and all but lunged for Macy, grabbing her wrist as she towed her towards the apartment’s front door.
The brunette stumbled before attempting to struggle out of the blondes hold.
“Wait, Ally! Seriously, stop, I-“
Allison ignored her, wrenching the front door open as she all but shoved Macy through the threshold and into the hallway.
“No time, we gotta go, time’s a’wasting!”
But I forgot my pants!”
Jenny Sullivan hadn’t always been a psychopath…
Scratch that, Jenny Sullivan hadn’t always known she was a psychopath.
No, that’s not quite right either.
Jenny Sullivan hadn’t always known that what she was would one day be diagnosed by some hack claiming to be a licensed psychiatrist, as a psychopath. Or rather, a person with Anti-Social Personality Disorder - blah, blah, blah - but who cares, Nevermind. The fact of the matter was this, JennySullivan hadn’t always displayed, portrayed, and or shown any of the many signs and or symptoms of the diagnosis that she would one day later in life be labeled. In fact, as far as she was concerned, as a child, she had been the epitome of a well adjusted little girl. A little girl who occasionally liked to set things on fire; but normal enough .
Therefore while Jenny hadn’t always known what she was; she had always known who she was. And who she was, was still very much that same little girl who once locked her asshole of an older cousin in her childhood home’s garden-shed for six hours after she had dared to play with her favorite doll without permission.
OK, so, not so well adjusted and maybe there had been signs but still …
Jenny Sullivan knew who and what she was and as such, she knew exactly what she was going to do when she spotted a conveniently discarded mannequin. A conveniently discarded  mannequin that just so happen to be discarded near an equally as convenient section of woods. 
God, how she loved it when a plan all but falls into her lap..
Especially when she can involve the twins.
Especially when one of the twins, Tony, forgot his place again  and pretended like they had broken up. 
He really could be so silly sometimes 
But, most especially, when you can cover up kidnapping your boyfriend’s twin’s, Lhasa Apso.
Totally, her bad, but could she really be blamed when faced with such cuteness?
“Jen, what the fuck? Where is my dog? “ 
“Hi Nick! Long time no hear ! I’ve missed you!”
“ i’m serious Jenny, where’s Chloe?”
“ who? Oh, you mean sugarplum. I’m not sure, what makes you think I would know? “
“ Really? Are you really gonna ask me that?  i’ll tell you why  Jen, cause you’re a psycho.  a psycho who has a pension for copping keys. A psycho that unfortunately has an unhealthy attachment to my dog. Now tell me where Chloe is. ’
“Mm…that does sound like me. But no, sorry Nicky, not this time. Are you sure she’s missing? My baby does like hiding sometimes, especially when she’s playing a prank.”
“God damnit, Jenny! Dogs don’t play pranks! Now tell me where my fucking dog is!”
“Awe, Nicky! You’re so sweet! Of course they do! And if ya’ want, I can debate it with you later. Though, now that I think about it, you might be a bit busy later, so we’ll see.”
“What …what the fuck? What do you mean I’ll be busy later? You know what, nevermind, just bring Chloe back and I might briefly think about not immediately calling the cops on you this tim-“
“It’s funny that you should mention the cops Nicky, you might be getting a visit from them soon!”
“What the hell are you talking about, you crazy bi-“
“I might have stumbled across a body in the woods.”
“…”
“Nicky? DId you hear me? I said-“
“What do you mean you stumbled across a dead body?!”
“Well,you see, I was taking a stroll in the woods -“
“What the fu-“
“Shh, Nicky! You’re ruining the story!”
“Jenny, be serious. I mean it Jen, be serious, did you actually find a dead body in the woods?”
“Sure -“
“Where? Jesus Christ Jen, If you’ve found a dead body, you need to call 911 immediately,.”
“I will-“
“No, now! Get off the phone and-“
“You might want to hear the rest of my story first, Nicholas. It involves you and you’re part in the murder.”
“…”
“…”
“…what do you mean my part? Jen, what the hell are you talking about?…”
“I’m talking about you’re part in the murder, Nick! Come on, you’re better than this, keep up!”
“Jenny, I’m serious, what are you talking about? I haven’t killed anyone.”
“That’s not what the police will think!”
“What do you mean? Jenny, what have you done?”
“Nothing! Nothing that the cops can prove anyway. Now,, are you going to be quiet and let me finish my story?”
“…”
“……”
…”
“Good. So, like i was saying; I stumbled across a body in the woods Obviously a dump site, and quite conspicuous, you know?”
“No, i don’t.”
“Shh! So, I see this body, and you know what I think? Amateurs.So, I thought I’d help a kid out and finish the job, you know?”
“Jenny, stop! This isn’t funny.”
“Of course not, seeing as you could be going to prison for along time. Especially with a shoddy dump job like that.”
“Jenny…have-have you kill-“
And so, I was digging this whole, you see, when I thought to my self ; Jenny, do You know what would make this awwhole lot funnier? No, what? Implicating Nick in this! Genius, I know! So., I did!!”
“…”
“…”
“Jenny…what have you done…?”
“Do you know how easy it is to plant fingerprints when you finally get the hang of it?”
“…”
“Collecting DNA too.” “…”
“And you’re wallet! So, easy to lose! Easy to lose and carrying you’re ID! So convenient! Can fall so easily out ofsomebodies pocket.”
“Oh my God, you’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Mm…some would say dead serious. Get it?”
“…”
“SO, yeah, you might want to find a shovel and get you’re shit back…”
“…”
“Oh, and since I know you’re squeamish, you should know that I got bored half way through burying it. So, like, the top half of the body is still paartially exposed.”
“…I-I don’t what to think about this?…w-where?…”
“Oh, you know the woods behind the old Miller place? Yeah? About a hundred yards in, Underneath this bitchin’ tree fort. Whole place reeks of dope. You can’t. Miss it…really hope the Miller kids don’t sneak out tonight…would hate for them to-“
“Shut up, Jenny, just shut the fuck up! YOu’re lying,-you have to be lying! I-I. Can’t-“
“Well, you better make you’re mind up soon on whether or not I’m lying,; cause either way, I ‘m, leaving an anonymous tip tomorrow morning.”
“…”
“Oh, and. Nick?”
“…”
“Tell. Tony, he needs to unblock my number. This playing hard to get is. Really beginning to get boring.”
And with that, Jenny Sullivan, hung up. Happily placing her cell on silent as she set it on her nightstand as she rolled over and scooped the snoozing puppy on her bed,, up and onto her chest for celebratory snuggles.
Because Jenny Sullivan was a psychopath.
A psychopath that would do anything to get just a little attention from the people she cared about.
“Night, night, Sugarplum.”
All that glitters is not gold.
Is what the counselor consoled .
To the lad who wished to be bold .
Like the heroes he knew of old.
Finding wonders to behold.
Seeking treasures to withhold.
And to finally fit the mould .
Of a person uncontrolled .
Or, so that’s what he was told .
By the voices that cajoled.
Never once fortold.
Of the events that would unfold.
Of the hunger and the cold .
Of the dangers that fate rolled
Withheld from tales sold. 
Beckoning to those who wished to be bold.
To try and fit the mould.
Of the hero’s they Knew of old.
To be taken into the fold.
Of persons to behold.
To have their tales told.
To encourage and embold.
So the lad, he went untold.
Trying to be bold.
As he came across the hunger and the cold.
Facing the dangers that fate dolled.
Still searching for the sights to behold.
Of the treasure to withhold.
Never once consoled.
By the voices that once cajoled.
Still trying to fit the mould.
Of a person uncontrolled.
Like the hero’s he knew of old.
Or so that’s what he told.
To those he tried to embold.
Until one day he fit the mould.
Of a person uncontrolled.
Coming across the sights to behold.
Finding the treasures to withhold.
Though if you were to be told.
By the lad who wished to be bold.
Time had passed and he’d grown old.
Finally seeing passed the tales told.
Of hero’s they knew of old.
Because he had faced the cold.
Defeated the dangers that were dolled.
Overcame the dice that fate rolled.
Because he was controlled.
By the tales that were sold.
To encourage and embold.
Because the lad had grown old.
Didn’t care if his tales Were Told.
By those who wished his story sold.
Because he had claimed the gold.
By his deeds and what he could hold.
And in the end for the lad who had wished to be bold.
It hadn’t been worth it.
“Well boys, we did it! We finally did it!”
“You mean, we remembered HOW to do it…”
“Whatever! We-“
“After we watched that movie and got the idea.”
“Will you two shut up!:
“Sorry bro.”
“Drop dead Sun God.”
“Wade!”
…not. Sorry…”
“7…6…”
“Why are you counting? Why is he counting W-“
“…5…4…”
“He’s trying to calm down.”
“What for?:
“3…2…”
“Just shut up.”
“The point is, we did it! Yes, we might’ve gotten the idea “- I mean, might’ve remembered how to - from watching Peter Pan -“
“…who would have thought…happy thoughts…?”
“I know right? I can’t believe you can actually do it Wade! I’m so proud!”
“Go suck dirt and die Grunt…”
“SHUT UP! ShutUpShutUpShutUp!”
“Sorry.”
“Not sorry.”
“…I hate you both…”
“…your not the only one…”
“Shut up Wade. Just keep thinking happy thoughts and shut up. Can you handle that?”
…Hey…guys?…”
“What about the running motions we’re doing? Do you want me to keep doing that too? Oh great leader?”
“…guys?…”
“Why don’t you-“
“How about-“
“Apollo! Waddles!”
“WHAT?!”
“What do you think’s wrong with the humans?”
“…what do you mean?…”
“…same. Question…”
“The humans…they seem to be freaking out…they keep pointing up at us and screaming as we fly by…”
“…uhh…”
“No idea.”
“You’re a lot of help,aren’t you Waddles?”
“Don’t call me that!”
And they were off again.
Shaking his head, Grunt the micro pig - he was definitely changing his name when he and his two older brothers.Got to wherever it was that they were going - tuned out of his brother’s bickering and firmly decided that if Apollo and Wade weren’t worried about why the humans were freaking outt, than neither would he. They were strange creatures anyway.A bit evil too, if the horror stories Wade like to tell him held any truth.He really doubted it though. Hamburgers? Bacon? Nightmare fuel really. And while he hadn’t met many humans before, his former adoptive mother was pretty nice herself and only ate vegetables; so they couldn’t all be bad? Right?
Right!
Deciding, to once again not worry about it, Grunt the micro pig continued his trek across the sky, all the while humming under his breath that one catchy tune from that cartoon movie about fish. Never truly realizing just how much chaos he and his Brothers had created by bringing to life The consequences of that one old saying,” when pigs fly.”
After all, what no human could possibly remember is, that once upon a time, invoking those exact words was an unbreakable oath. An oath that still in effect. And there was now a heck of a lot of oaths that needed to be fulfilled.
At least Hell hadn’t frozen over…
… Yet…
“… just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”
It had been a normal day, and that terrified her more than anything.
Daisy Flint set solemnly on the patchwork sofa of her small homes living room, Four arms resting on her thighs as she gazed down at her hands clasped together loosely between her knees. Her eyes were unfocused as she thought about her day. Thought about all the differences it had opposed to yesterday. And the day before it. And the day before even that. And so on and so forth. It had, for all intents and purposes, been a positively normal day. From waking up and making breakfast for her husband and son to making a trip to the grocery store just because she could. Just for something to do. It had been, an absolutely normal day. Which meant, in the Flint household, something was up.
It was too quiet.
not that the Home held a lot of drama or adventure; It was just that, well, being married to an ex-thief Who while charming tended to display all the maturity of a five year old - sometimes even less than their actual five-year-old - she had come to expect certain things. Things like Tom pickpocketing her just because he was bored. Tom, once again because he was bored, coming home with something he might’ve filched from a neighbor or two. Something that she would often times have to figure out how to sneak back without their neighbors noticing because Tom was a big child and he refused to return it himself. She sometimes thinks she could be just as good a thief as Tom what with how many times she’s had to sneak a random object back into one of their houses. Sometimes even during the day while the family was home. She can’t tell you how many times she’s almost been caught. But hey, she knew what she was signing up for when she married the guy and for the most part he wasn’t actually serious with his crimes. Serious, malicious, whatever. Not like either of the circumstances had happened today. Which was weird. Because it was a Saturday and despite Tom being spontaneous with his thieving he did actually have a routine.
OK, so sue her, she was being generous with referring to her husband as an ex thief. At least he didn’t rob banks anymore. Or steel priceless art. Or break into heavily guarded facilities just to see if he could do it. Or…
She was getting off track.
none of that had had happen today. She hadn’t been mildly confused when something she had just been holding had suddenly disappeared once she had said it down. She hadn’t had to scold Tom for stealing something from her or someone else. She hadn’t had to tell him off for taunting The neighbors when he pretended to help them look for for the exact same item he had already stolen from them. She hadn’t had to ignore him as he giggled like the gremlin he was as he recounted his day to her over a can of soda. Watching her with a playful smile as he fiddled with an Old piece of rope. She hadn’t had to bemoan the fate of her pristine white walls as he once again defiled them with his favorite crayons. She hadn’t had to…
Daisy softly laughed as she gracelessly slumped back onto the couch. All her musings had been about Tom and the mischief he got up to on a daily basis. What did it say that when it came to mischief happening in their home it wasn’t the kindergartener she thought of first but the fully grown man. In contrast, it would appear, their Johnny was an angel. He was, but she was biased. She knew that. Daisy also knew that Johnny absolutely idolized Tom and would often times be thrilled to be pulled into one of his plans.
Because Tom always had plans.
Plans upon plans upon plans.
From pretend sword fights two fixing cars. Johnny absolutely adored spending time with his father and vice versa. Because for all tom’s flexible morality, He was a good father for the most part Who wanted to give his son the childhood that Tom himself never had. So he made plans. Plans that he hoped would forge an unbreakable bond. And so far it had. So go ahead, she thought privately, and call her a bad mother but yes, some of those plans she knew would eventually involve stealing. Stealing, that for the most part, she was able to curb due to the fact that for the most part, she was always with her two troublemakers when they left the house.
“ that sneaky fuck!” Daisy yelped as she shot up from her slumped position on the couch, eyes going wide as she got to her feet and ran towards the back door. Gaze immediately searching the backyard she already knew would be empty of the father and son duo that not a half hour ago she had seen playing catch as she grabbed the handle of the sliding glass door and hurriedly opened it. Stepping out, her blue eyes immediately zeroed in on the hastily constructed structure that served as a makeshift step ladder over The yards 6 foot tall, wooden perimeter fence.
“ Son of a bitch,” she breathed out through her teeth, Hands absently perching themselves on her hips in the instinctual posture all disappointed mothers seem to develop ones having their first child. “ Son of a bitch. He was biding his time.”
A shiver of dread made its way down Daisy’s spine as she thought of all the possibilities. Did she have enough money to bail Tom out of jail? Did she want to? Couldfive-year-old‘s be arrested? Would Johnny enjoy it? Of course he would! Could she handle it? Having two thieves in the family?
Daisy crossed her fingers, please be something small.”
“Once you do this, you can never go back. You understand?”
“Yes, daddy”
“What was that,soldier?”
“Uh…I mean…sir, yes, sir!”
“Good boy,” I praise as I crouch down in front of my now five year old, tousling his curly brown hair with fatherly affection as he tries his best to stand perfectly at attention; even throwing in a sloppy attempt at a military salute to complete the tiny army man image we were trying to portray.
That, and the tiny, old fashioned fatigues I ordered offline.
Perfect.
So cute…
I shake my head briefly to rid myself of the less than manly thoughts and stand.
“Good,” I repeat, turning away from my boy and walk over to my desk, picking up the weapon of choice I had procured for Johnny,, specifically for this mission.
I turn back to him, the weapon clutched in my hand, and crouch once more down in front of my son.
“Are you sure, Lieutenant Flint, that you’re ready for this mission?”
“Lou-ten-it?”
“Ill explain later,” I passive him, placing a hand on his small shoulder. “Are you sure, buddy?”
“Yes sir,” Johnny grins, exposing his front missing tooth.
“You’re mother’ll be mad.”
“Pray-bo-lee”.
“Are you okay with that?”
“Mommy’s be mad at you more”.
After a moment of thought, I nod, “probably.”
Johnny giggles before straightening again at my look.
“Well, then,” I sigh with amusement, “if we’re in agreement?”
“We are.”
“Then I wish you luck soldier, you’ll need it.”
And with those final words, i handed the box of crayons I had swiped off my desk over to Johnny and ushered him out of the room to complete his mission.
After all, the living room’s plain white walls weren’t going to draw on themselves.
We had been connected at the hip since childhood, Jim and I, that is.
As thick as thieves and twice as mischievous; always planning, always, plotting, always pulling pranks.
Came with the territory; what with both of us having a set of parents with workaholic tendencies and their own prosperous businesses.
We had to fine solace in something and to us, that had been each other.
Too bad our parents could only see a possible marraige of confidence between two families.
Too bad them, they didn’t realize Jim was gay and I would do anything for him; even marry him if he asked me too.
To bad that they didn’t read over the marriage contract they had had their lawyers draw and didn’t catch the loophole.
Too bad that they didn’t read that the contract only stipulated marriage and a heir pass on the companyies; that it had stipulated nothing about getting a divorce.
So after the marriage; after the companies were signed over to us respectively and after I have given birth to our son - conceived through IVF - we separated.
It was truly a gleeful sight to behold; our parentsfury about being pranked once again with our greatest “FU” prank of them all.
“This is your fault”.
“How do you figure that?”
“Well, considering she’s your ex-girlfriend and a psycho…”
“Hey, to be fair, I didn’t realize she was psycho!”
“Dude, really? Your actually trying to tell me that you didn’t realize Jenny was a nutter?”
“Nutter, really?”
“Don’t change the subject man; you totally knew she was a schizo; we all know that chick’sschizo”
“Really? Everyone?”
“Hell yeah, even Ma. I mean, didn’t you ever wonder why Ma always hovered around the telephone when Jenny was around?”
“No, I just assumed she was waiting for a call…?”
“No dude. Ma kept close to the phone cause she wanted to be prepared in case Jenny snapped and did something crazy”.”
“You’re shitting me? Really? Was it really that bad?”
“Dude? Are you serious? Of course, it was that bad!”
“Huh. I meant, you’re right, I did realize Jenny had her quirks but…Really? Ma really did that?”
“Quirks?Quirks?I love you man, I really do. You’re my brother, I kinda have to love you but seriously, sometimes I wonder if Ma and Dad DID actually drop you on your head when you were a baby”.
“Hey!”
“Seriously. She pushed your car off a bridge…”
“She was angry. I forgot to callll her when I hung out with you after work”.
“She drove to my house; - while you were still there - Hotwired your car and drove away without even ringing the doorbell”.
“She…”
“Then there was the time she burned all your clothes when you didn’t buy that shirt she said would look good on you”.
“It did and besides she just wanted me to go shopping, try a new
“She called you - literally - every fifteen minutes at you’re last job…last three jobs. SHe got you fired she was calling so much”
“SHe said she just wanted to hear my voice”.
“…she stalked and probably still stalks your other ex-girlfriends. She even went so far as to drive fourteen hours just to tell Kate that there was no chance in hell of you two getting back together in person”.
“So she’s a bit passionate”.
“What the actual…you know, nevermind. What do you call this bro, is this just another one of Jenny’s quirks?”
“…”
“Well, are you gonna answer me?”
“…”
“‘M waiting man”
“I don’t know…may-“
“Might I remind you, that is, if you somehow managed to not realize…were currently upside down”.
“I didn’t forget!”
“Chained! Chained upside down…”
“I-“
“…in her basement…”
“I know-“
“After she abducted, mind you, BOTh of us…”
“I. Can’t explain that part”t…”
“Really? I can”.
“How?”
“We’re twins”
“How does that-“
“Identical twins…”
“So…?”
“Man, really?Are you really that stupid?”
“Hey now!”
“Dude! She couldn’t tell us apart so she kidnapped us both!”
“How do you know that?”
“Ugh! If i didn’t have a bitch of a headache caused by blood rushing to my head I’d seriously consider smashing my head against the wall I’m chained too”.
“…”
“…she said. And I quote “I’m not entirely sure you’re Tony but just in case, I might as well take you too…”.
“Huh. At least she’s thorough…”
“Argh! You’re such…you’re so…ugh!”
“What? It’s true. Kind of cute too…”
“Holy shit…i get it now…you’re nuts too”
“Hey, no I’m not. I’m just saying, Jenny put a lot of thought into this”
“She kidnapped us…”
“Yes”.
“…because she couldn’t tell us apart…”
“Yep”.
“…chained us up - upside down - in her basement…”
“Mmhm”
“…before leaving us to go have dinner at her parents house…”
“Yeah…I bet she brings us back food. SHe really is considerate…”
“Tony?”
“Yeah, Nick?”
“You’re actually impressed by this. And impressed, impressed. YOu’re flattered by it”.
“Kinda? Like I said, Jen put a lot of time and effort in gaining my attention”
“Tony?”
“Yeah?”
“If you like this crazy shit so much; why’d you even break up with her in the first place?”
“She snores like a log. It’s a real turn off. Drives me nuts”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Tony?”
“Yeah, bro?’
“…if we get out of this…”
“Yeah?”
“You better watch yourself…”
“Why’s that man?
“Because I’m going to fucking kill you”.
Got to admit, that when I thought about my death, I thought I’d either die in my sleep or maybe entertaining myself a lovely lady.
What I hadn’t expected - i mean, really, who would’ve expect it - was to be taken out by a Goddamned coconut.
Yeah, you heard me.
A coconut.
I was just minding my own business, enjoying The sandy shores of old picturesque Hawaii,when BAM! Knock out! I’m a goner. Off to meet my maker and all that jazz.
Just glad I was able to walk my kid down the aisle and give her away to a true blue, genuinely decent man before I kicked the bucket.
He better treat my little girl right.
God, I’ll miss the kid. Mine, that is.
Brett? Ah shucks, maybe. I might miss Brett as well.
But my little Maggie…
I’ll miss her like hell.
I’m almost positive I raised that girl right too
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I’m dead.
And all because of a god forsaken, honest to god coconut.
Heh. I guess it’s not the worst way to go.
Didn’t even see it coming.
Now, you’re probably wondering how I knew it was a coconut when I didn’t even see it coming.
Good question.
You see, whe you Kick the bucket, you end up in a waiting Area of your own mental design.
I say of your own mental design because, well,it is.
I woke up in a doctors waiting room.
The guy to the left of me, Herb I think his name was, was At a train station.
The woman to my right, a. Movie theater.
Don’t ask me how. I just figure it’s some sort of magic and well…magic.
No reason to think on it any further.
Now, where was I?
Oh yeah, how I know I was murdered by a prick of a coconut.
Ticket. I woke up with a doddamned ticket in my left hand.
And it had four sentences on it.
Just four sentences.
My name DOB - DOD. How I died. Heaven*/Hell/Unsure
Yeah, that’s right. I learned how I died from a tiny piece of paper.
But hey, at least the little slip said I was destined for Heaven.
Score.
So, yeah, you wake up with your little ticket and you life is summed up with four little sentences.
Name. DOB - DOD How you died. Heaven/Hell/Unsure.
DOn’t ask me about that Unsure choice,I don’t think I want to know what that means.
So, yeah, I was taken out by a coconut and was well on my way to Heaven.
Tu bad that’s not what happened.
That’s right.
That didn’t happen.
Didn’t happen because,some goddamned person upstairs or downstairs or whatever screwed up big time.
Yep, when my number was called - did I mention their was a little number on my ticket as well - i walked straight up to where a “Nurse” was waiting for me and followed him back to where the “Doctor” was expecting me.
A nurse who was probably an angel and a doctor who was probably the Big Man Upstairs.
Imagine my surprise, if you will be so kind, that when I past through those goddamned waiting rooms doors, expecting eternal paradise, I was met with the jumpscare of my life.
Not St. Peter’s Gates but a blast of hellfire to the face.
Thank the devil for little brother reflexes and the instinctual almost sixth sense ability that alerts you to an oncoming blow to the head.
I hope that’s instinctual; hate to realize that Jim was abusing me all these years.
Back on topic.
No fluffy clouds in sight. Fire blast to the face.
I was in Hell.
Yep, Hell.
Somewhere I definitely wasn’t meant to be; judging by the confused and slightly nervous looks the two gremlins who welcomed me to Hell were shooting each other.
Hell, the even dropped their flame throwers.
That was…
Well I don’t know how long it was, time moves differently down here.
Anyway, that was awhile ago and in Hell I remain.
Apparently my paperwork had gotten mixed up and it’s a bit of a bitch to fix.
Yeah, that’s right, you can’t escape paperwork, it’s in Heaven too.
Hell too, I noticed a bit ago there’s a a specially appointed department for strictly paperwork related torture.
Glad I’m not allowed to be tortured.
Yep! Lucky me.
You see, I’m not the first case of mixed up paperwork.
Those meant for Hell who end up in Heaven are put into solitary confinement while they wait.
And for people like me?
We get to enjoy all the perks of Hell without any of the pain.
Now, I know, I know. You’re asking me “perks? What perks? What kind of perks can there be inHell?”
Plenty.
Well, plenty as long as you stay on the straight and narrow.
Commit no crimes, get no time.
I haven’t committed any crimes yet and well,I’m starting to really enjoy Hell.
Hence all the taking the Lords name in vain.
I’ll worship the Devil for the rest of my un life it means I get to spend my afterlife partying it up.
Sure, the sounds of eternal damnation can be a bit of a bummer but hey, at least the demons know how to party.
So do the dinosaurs.
The water slides awesome too.
Well, it’s a lava slide but since I’m meant for Heaven, it feels like the perfect water tempature.
Acts like it too.
And if you treat the demonesses right; I mean wine and dine them, really make them happy; it isn’t considered a sin if you partake.
The food’s cooked perfectly.
The wine is perfectly aged.
And I live in a luxurious mansion with all the furnishings.
Yep, I have it good.
SO yeah, I might have been killed by a coconut.
And yeah, I might of been meant to ascend to Heaven.
But a part of me, a real big part of me, really hopes they never fix my paperwork.
Cause, despite being dead, I’ve never felt more alive!
Hell aint such a bad place to be.
Tom stands tall and resolute, his weapon of choice clutched expertly in both hhands as he glares down the menace, the fiend, that had decided that today of all days was the day it would choose to try it’’s hand at breaking and entering.And it was good, too good in fact, and brazen. Just standing there, a smug satisfaction in it’s dark beady eyes as if to taunt him; as if to say, “I’ve got skills, Tom. Like a ninja. You didn’t see me come in and you wont see me leave. Hell, maybe I won’t leave. Maybe I’ll make a nice little home here in your walls and for the heck of it, jump out every now and then just for shits and giggles. How’s that sound?”
The nerve!
But that wasn’t going to happen!
No! The dastardly beast wouldn’t succeed; not today or any other day!
But especially not today!
He would make sure of it.
“Don’t you realize…I’ve just been promoted to store manager? That AND it’s the holiday season?” Tom growls as he shifts his stance, prepares to strike; “I’m in retail hell right now and haven’t had a single day off in seventeen days! SEVENTEEN! And every. Single. One of them needed me to do overtime!”
Tom takes -what he hopes is - an intimidating step forward, starts to raise his weapon, waits for the perfect moment to strike…
“After seventeen days!” He repeats, breathing harshly, his face flush in anger. “All I wanted was a lazy Sunday…and now?…I have to kill you!”
The weapon is above his head now…
He’s a moment away from ending this; finally vanquishing the fiend …
Ready to claim back his home…
When suddenly, the bedroom door is flung open and Tom’s delicate flower of wife flounces in; a paper cup in one hand. And note card in the other.
“Damnit TOm, I could hear you monolouging from the kitchen” she announces irritably as she walks straight up to the menace and covers it with the paper cup, promptly sliding the note under it to trap the cretin inside. “It’s just a spider,” she states as ifTom doesn’t already know this, “and not even a fast one. Hell, it looks pretty old too… it’ll probably be dead come dark…”
She turns, freezes and looks to wear Tom still holds the broom above his head, ready to strike.
“What…?” Daisy starts before shaking her head, trying again she says, “I know you’re terrified of spiders but really Thomas…? A broom? Then what?”
Tom says nothing, lowering his weapon as the adrenaline begins to leave his system.
“I don’t know…I guess I’d squish it then clean it up” Tom rubs a handover his face, “maybe even burn the broom…”
“Sure” Daisy nods as if talking to a crazy person, maneuvering the trapped spider to one hand so that she can pat Tom on the shoulder, “next time you see a spider, honey? I’ll handle it, okay?”
Tom nods in resignation as Daisy kisses his cheek.
“Good. Now go watch you car shows while I go take care of the fiend”
Tom only nods, sighing as he sets his broom down and heads back to the living room, forgetting that which he had come into bedroom to get in the first place.
