I wonder if they knew how it affected her. If they even cared. Surely, when you they people through so much they must feel something… but is it ever remorse? Or do they just revel in her misery, her anguish, her pain.

Life was never kind to her, not really. When she was just a little child her so called friend tarnished her innocence and then commandeered her brother to take part in her dirty work. Torturing her. She was just a kid.

She fought her way out only to be stalked by a monster of a man hiding himself behind the face of a young man ready to court her. She was almost none the wiser until things turned creepy and she trusted her intuition and was right. He still shows up from time to time. It makes her nervous. But he hasn’t made contact since, like the police told him he shouldn’t.

She rushed into marriage. Everyone knew it, talked about it, judged them for it. But they were two young dumb kids caught up in the moment. And they did love each other. Or at least she loved him. He wasn’t always kind to her though. He beat her up with his words , and wouldn’t let her dress in certain ways. She gave him two sons, she also lost two of his babies. One unknown and one a daughter. And she thought despite everything that it was them against everyone else, because that’s how they started. But that wasn’t the case. He shattered her little world when she found out he let another woman’s head between his legs which only led to other things. Broke her down when she was already out from losing her daughter. Started blaming things on her.. And pushing her further and further down and til she thought there was going to be no way out .

She hooked up with a dad from her son’s school because she was starting to finally feel like she wanted to feel again. And it was nice while it lasted but she wasn’t wanting a fling.

Her first real kiss happened when she was in high school with her first real boy friend. And she always thought about him. Was always curious about where he was and how he’d been. And was always trying to find him to no avail, until then. Hidden away by another name she found him. Finally. So she hit send on the little friend request button and decided to let fate decide. What a whirlwind that created. Connecting almost right away with things and all these feelings coming into play. But he was taken, yet told her she was his choice anyway. Making plans, endless conversations and late night communication. Cultivating a connection she’s never felt before. For him to put her in her place and take it all away. But she was in to deep. She loved him. She was far to invested to just let him be. He was to important. But it stings a little when she knows how effortlessly they fall into their rhythm without even trying. How easy it is to just be herself . How could something so effortless be so horrible? Sometimes you can only fight something so long til it demands to be real. Life has a funny way of making things happen.

Yet, it was like she was just never enough for anyone. Because no one chose her. Not really. No one ever stayed.

Her own family even treats her as if she’s nothing. Like she’s lesser then dog shit scrapped off of their shoes onto the curb. Always pushing and pushing , knowing exactly what buttons to press because she made her loneliness and lack of love commonplace. So they dig in with their claws and rip her apart knowing it will crush her because they know, they see how hard she tries just to be alive and have relationships. And they see just how she is left by everyone she’s ever loved.

So I wonder if they know how it affected her. How each eruption, turned into another implosion and another crisis. Another battle with herself in her head where there was already far to much noise. I wonder if they cared, they couldn’t. Because each and every time they seen her break they came back to knock her down again. She’s crying out for someone to see her, to choose her, to love her. But there is too much noise in the void, she was shouting so loud she lost all her will, all her voice.