I slide my lanky body in a WHSmith, side-eying my next victim from behind a huge pink poster selling fluffy pencil cases. As I suspect, the slowing Ford Ka pulls over and a young woman gets out with two huge ASOS parcels. Hoisting her shoulder upwards to pin phone to ear; she chatters enthusiastically, using a spare foot to kick the door shut.

A classic code red. A Royal Mail jobby.

As she rushes over to the post office I march over to her illegally parked automobile and honourably craft her a ticket of atonement. A way out. She can offset her sin by paying £45 and using my fine to guide her to enlightenment.

My aim, as a civil enforcement officer, is to create valuable, law-abiding members of society. I despair of the useless, slothful drains that crowd our towns. There is a war raged on the council, day in and day out. Simple rules to follow. Straight forward painted lines. Signs erected on every corner and extensive advice on government web page to guide them, but they disregard it all. It’s like wandering around a city of bottom scratching baboons. Full grown adults... not bothered about their communities! About the collective, about looking after each other!

I didn’t wait to have a conversation with the woman before heading back. I usually like to follow up my tickets with a brief discussion regarding awareness of current government regulations and a further probe into the ethics of right and wrong. But today I slide back into my spot, concealed once again by a sea of pink fur. I have a migraine and I can’t cope with high pitched female tonality right now.

Another comes along. A Qashqai this time. Don’t even think about it. He’s seen the Ka and he thinks he can do it too. Bloody scoundrel. Sure enough he indicates and pulls over. His bald merry head bobbing about like an egg coloured sea buoy. I despise eggs. He looks around him deceptive and sly before scurrying over to the Chinese take away. Thinks he can by-pass the law does he? Fool me once you impish peasant - I will not be crossed again!

I stomp over to his embarrassingly large gas guzzler and smack a big yellow ticket on the windshield. He runs back over the road,

“Stop! Stop! Hello Mate” he gasps. “I’m sorry alright, I’m sorry. I just wanted to pick up me Chinese. Me and the Mrs are having a nice Friday night in n that. Look mate I’m sorry can I just grab me Chinese n I’ll be gone.

I look at him disapprovingly. Before I can begin my spiel on good citizenship, I receive a thunk to the head. The Ford Ka woman has driven passed and threw a squished up coke can at me. I tut and put the can in the bin while setting a mental reminder to add ‘littering’ to her fine.