He never knew. He would never know. Of course I never told him. Why would I. I thought maybe someday I could tell him give him some way to know but every try ended up in disaster. My heart was always left feeling guilty and angry.

Now here I am sitting on the edge of my woody window ledge. The night sky is blank above me. The clouds cover up the stars like a quilted blanket and a gentle breeze frizzes my curly hair.

He would learn in time. At least that is what I keep telling myself. That he would someday know how I felt. That he would know what I did.

My feet gently slip over my windows thin edge and I jump. My feet slam against the ground and my frail body crumbles into a floppy heap.

I made it. I made the jump. My legs pound with fierce intensity and my head is throbbing, but I am alive. That is all that matters.

Carefully I slip into the darkened meadow, lit by the light of the moon, a few steps away. Quietly I crouch down so my back is below the tall grasses. I don’t want him to know I’m out here. He can’t know that I’m gone.

I don’t want to leave but I have to. For his safety I must. But he can never know why. “Goodbye, Andy.” I whisper in the night. “Someday we will meet again.” I crouch there silently in the pitch black of night hoping for a returned call I know will not come. “Goodbye. Nos pro se.” I say again then walk off into the darkness. It is our saying. It is Latin but in English it means ‘We fight for each other.’ It is our way of saying I love you and I will be by your side in any battle.

My husband and I are marines. We have fought and served together but now we will be torn apart one way or another and the last he will remember of me is that I am a traitor and a liar.

Our commander in chief will come to our house tomorrow and I won’t be there. Then he will learn. When they come to arrest me, to throw my hands into shackles or put a bullet in my head he will know that I was the one who killed his brother, but he will never know why. He will never know why I did what I did. He will never know it was to save him.