I tried to kill myself last May. “wow you attention seeker” i’m sure you’re thiking that. who wouldn’t. I lay in the feild that day, thinking of the easiest way to go. Letters where already written. I’d told my family I needed to go for a walk. Get out of the house, feel the warmth of spring around me.

People always say that you are never alone and someone is always there. That’s not true. I live in a quiet town, no kids no teens. Just old raggedy people who own too many dogs. My family has other priorities and they don’t need me as an issue. Yes, i knew suicide was selfish, how is it not? I didn’t care. Their pain would only last a year or two. and then the realization of one less mouth to feed. One less body to dress. One less human in the world isn’t that much of a loss. More then seven thousand people kill themseves every year. i’m sure kids these days find it a part of the norm. Like rape or abuse. no one really cares anymore. if they did things would be different.

i decided on the way i would go. Don’t think im going to say, i know what kind of people are out there. i took the long way home and went up to my attic room with out a word to my family. Stealing myself some time, i went to feed the cats.

Talking to people about what’s going on inside my disaster of a mind is near impossible. i just don’t know what to say. i found that talking to things that can’t talk back or judge make it easier. Not easy but easier. Some nights i talk to the trees but i stopped doing that. i could hear them start to argue. after that i only talked to my cat, Mars.

The morning after my attempt i woke up on the floor and she was standing in the corner looking at me. i knew in that moment that i couldn’t do somthing like that again. Cats can’t read letters. Cats don’t know the percentages of suicide rates yearly in America. Cats only know you and your patterns. i could leave Mars. i could do that to her. no matter my pain.