“ i don’t want to be here anymore “

I say to the girl in the mirror.

“ I know “

She replies.

I tear out two pieces of paper from my notebook. On one I write dear mom, on the other dear dad.

Dear mom,

You were a good person.

You did your best. You were enough. It wasn’t your fault.

I was the one who wasn’t enough.

Dear dad,

I love you. Take care of mom. Take out all the stuff from my room, and throw it away. It’ll hurt less if there’ll be less reminders of me lying around out home. Don’t do anything stupid. You were a great dad.

I pass the notes to her.

“ So, what do you think? “

She sighs.

“ Are you sure about this? It’s tough, but there are other solutions, you know… “

“ im sure. “

“ Estella- “

“ I said im sure. “ i snap.

“ okay then. “

A tear rolls down her face as I lay out my hand. A sharp cold blade falls into it. Then my vision goes dark.

Suddenly I see where I am. Its like I’ve woken up from a fever dream, I know how I got here, just not why or when.

My wrists are wrapped in bloody gauze and I have no idea where the blade is.

Im mad. Someone clearly ruined my attempt. Maybe the girl in the mirror. But I don’t know how she would’ve done that.

I become more aware of my surroundings as I think about that. Behind me I hear the rushing and splashing of water, a river. I turn around and see a stream with a small bridge and a railing. I decide to go there.

The railing is slippery, it has started raining. I climb onto it. My cheeks are wet and hair sticks to my forehead. Finally I can get this over with. I let myself slip, but just before I fall I feel delicate, but firm hands surround my body, shielding it from the impact. I’m shocked, I checked that no one was there. Nobody could’ve saved me. My eyes shut closed, as I hit the rocky ground beneath the water, and it’s impact makes me fall unconscious.

I wake up to the sound of beeping. A nurse who is sitting beside me sighs when she sees me awake, as if all this time she’s been holding her breath.

“ Hey, sweetheart. How are you? You know, it was a miracle you came out of that fall alive. A guy was passing by and protected you from the impact. I never believed that bridge was safe but I remember seeing that they would add a railing to it on the news… “

“ What? What happened? “

“ you don’t remember? you fell off that bridge.. wait, tell me your name. It might be amnesia. Oh god.. now I’m gonna have to check with chief of trauma… “

She sounds worried when she says that.

But all at once the memories come back to me. My wrists, gauze soaking with blood, the railing, me trying to end it, someone shielding me from the impact… and suddenly I’m furious.

“ No no, I remember now. I’m fine. “

I grit my teeth. I’m not fine. I should’ve been buried in my grave by now.

A guy walks in the room, his head bandaged and fresh cuts on his arms. He looks at me, in a weird way. Even through all the gauze covering his skull I can see locks of blonde hair coming through it, matched with ocean blue eyes.

“ that’s the man who save your life. Thank god he was passing by. “ the nurse says.

“ hey, how are you? I saw you trying to jump, or maybe you slipped off of the railing… Are you okay? “

“ No. why the heck would you do that? Couldn’t you just stay out of it, what’s you problem?! “

White hot rage burns through my temples leaving me shocked by myself. It had been so long since I’d felt any emotion. For the last years of my life I merely felt numb. Trading my feelings for emptiness so that I would never feel pain again. But that rage, it is a result of it. I don’t want to be in this world anymore. And the world would have to deal with it.

“ hey, that’s now way to talk to the guy who saved your life. “ he replies, clearly frustrated.

“ You didn’t save me. You killed me. It was all perfect till you came along. Get out. “

The nurse looks shocked by my reaction, as well as Arthur. They both leave my room, the nurse to get my labs back.

There’s a mirror in my room. I stare at the girl in it.

“ This is your fault, isn’t it? “

“ Estella, calm down. “

“ NO! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! “

“ I know you don’t want to be here. But it’s clear the world wants you to. And I’m afraid the world is not going be the one to deal with it. You will be. “

I try picking up the syringe from the night table but it’s suddenly turns into a child’s toy. I try to smash the mirror so I can use the shards but it won’t break, even when I throw it on the wall. I see a towel near the end of the bed. Maybe I can strangle myself with it. I pick it up. It’s not long enough.

Tears stream by my face at this point.

I get on my knees, and ask, plead for an answer to god, the skies, whoever may be listening:

“ why can’t you just let me die in peace? “

I whisper, my voice cracking.